Ok God I get it...

This is gonna hurt...
You ever get to a point in your life when you know you have to do something or make a change, and you really don't want to because you know its going to be hard? I'm going through that right in this moment. Not yesterday, or earlier today, right this moment. Something has been building in me for a while, and I can't really say that I've ignored it, but I haven't really accepted the challenge God has put before me. That is until now. I am probably more terrified in this moment than I've ever been in my life. I'm clinging so tightly to something that I don't want to let go of because I'm afraid of what might happen if I do. I know that God has told me over and over again that is going to be OK. That I haven't gotten through all the junk the last year for nothing. He's even told me that I'm meant to be where I am, but I'm still scared. You see I've been co-dependent for so long (my whole life) that I don't really know how to survive any other way. My entire sense of purpose and being has always been based on someone else's opinion of me. The way they react to me, how I react to them, and the love they show me has been a reflection on who I am as a person. And I'm at the point where God is saying I have to stop that. I have to depend on Him instead.

My Conversation with God...
 (yes I'm typing it out as its happening... so forgive the errors...kinda hard to see when you are sobbing)
OK I get it God. He's not answering again. I get it OK! This is how You feel when I don't answer you. I understand it! Just because I don't make time doesn't mean I don't love you. Yes, I know that! Please, just stop making it hurt so much!!!


(Deep Breath) I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one fighting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of not being able to breathe. I'm tired of feeling alone in a house full of people. I'm just tired. Don't you remember what that was like? Or is that what its like for You in Heaven when I don't answer Your calls to spend time with me?....More silence....Listen Jesus... I'm so sorry if that is how I make you feel. I don't mean to. I really don't. Its just that life is so...busy. Exactly what he says.... Oh My GOD... I am so sorry. Please forgive me.


(Another Deep Breath) I want to depend on You God... I really do. Its just so hard not to worry after all I have been through. What if I start depending on You instead of him and he loses interest? What if we drift apart? What if I put You first and my kids need me more? How do I know its going to be OK when it doesn't feel like it will? I've read so many things that say that if I depend on You that things in my life will actually be closer to me, but how do I just KNOW that in my heart when my head is in panic mode? Why did you have to make me like this Lord? Why is my head so....confused? Sometimes I just wish I didn't care so much. That I didn't love like this. I wish I didn't understand what You are saying so I could go along my happy way like all these other people who fake their way through life. It just .... is so lonely. I don't want to feel like this.


(Panicking) I just want You to be here. I'm tired of talking to the air and not getting an answer. I'm right here and I can't feel You... and its awful!!! Do you understand that at all Lord? I'd give my life for just a hug from You right now. Just one hug. Please...


OK...You know what... You win. I surrender. Whatever you want. I just want to do what you want. I just want your will. No matter what... No matter what. Just help me please.

New Beginning...
So after about 30 minutes I finally got it together enough to calm down and listen. This is going to be better. Better for me, better for him, better for them. I just have to trust that it will. I don't want to fight anymore. Cause doing it my way isn't working. I just keep coming back to this very place over and over again. So its time to try something new. I'm going to trust Him that He knows what's best for me. I know He does, its just my dumb head thinks I know better. Silly me....

"In the same way, therefore, every one of you who does not say good-bye to all his possessions cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:33

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What the bible doesn't tell you... is possessions isn't only an earthly thing.
 Its your heart, mind, feelings, and even your fears.

God is so good. He is my everything. I just will trust.
I'm just going to need a lot of love and strength from you my friends in Him.

Well until next time....Enjoy the song... Love God, Trust God, and know that if I can get through it, you can too.

Jessica

The stuff I don't want to say...

Guess what I'm not perfect...


No where in this blog have I ever said that I lived the perfect life. I haven't ever tried to make myself out to be bigger or better than anyone else, I've never even said that I don't have to grow myself every day, but I've also never really gone into detail about how messed up I was. Let me just start by saying that there are a lot of writers and bloggers out there that will share every bit of their intimate relationships with you.  If you are looking for that from me you wont find it here.  I will not ever write about the difficult times in my life with great detail because that is between me and God, and I will NEVER say or write about anything that might make someone I love fall away from God because of it. The purpose of this blog is to help you grow, not to make those I love feel badly. I will say this to you though.... I've made mistakes. I did things I used to regret. I wasn't an awful person, but I wasn't good either.  I don't think you will relate to me more if I go into vast detail about my private life. But you will relate to me if I say this, "I know what its like to hate yourself."


I'm just not that pretty any more...
You ever just look at yourself in the mirror and think, "I am so not what I used to be?" I do that a lot. I actually do it just about every day. Sometimes for good reasons, like I'm actually a better person than I used to be, or I get dressed up and think, "Wow I look good today!", and then there are the times when I look at myself and say, "I'm not worth much at all." I see all the imperfections that age and motherhood brings out in a woman. I'm not as skinny, a whole lot less "kept", and I'm getting a few wrinkles that just totally bum me out. But then I stop and realize these last two years have been hard on me. I have an excuse to not look as "perfect" as I did before. Everything has kinda twisted  and turned me into a mashed up mess, only to bring me out on the other side as something very new and very different and in my opinion more beautiful. I've battled severe depression,  rebuilt relationships, and had a baby. I'm raising two preteen children, trying to follow God's will for my life, starting a business, and praying for my family full of young Christians. I'm the spiritual head of this family and that isn't easy as a woman, but I do it because its necessary. Its vital. It's the most important thing on this earth I have to do. So I guess at times I need to give myself a little slack about my outward appearance. Because after all, Jesus thinks I'm more beautiful today than He did yesterday... Eh... I guess I believe that ha ha... or maybe by the end of this I will.


Why tell you this...
I don't really know why God is wanting me to write this right now, maybe just so that you know I'm not all peaches and roses all the time. So many times you hear about Christian writers and they really only tell you how great their life is going. You get all the "praise Jesus" and "Hallelujahs", but none of the "God I'm desperate," and "Jesus I messed up agains."

Yes, granted, I have a very different outlook on life than I did. I am way better than I used to be, but I have moments when I falter. Moments when I doubt why I'm even here. Moments I don't really want to be here on this Earth anymore. Moments when I just feel.... bad.  Not that I don't love my life. I do. VERY VERY much. I've had to work hard to get to where I am now, and I sure don't want to give that up, but this life here is hard. Its trying. Its lonely and difficult to take. I know I'm here to fulfill a purpose, but there are times I just want Jesus to come take me home. And I know that sounds bad, but there isn't a Christian alive that wouldn't say the same at some point. If they say differently then they are just... lying. Paul didn't want to leave the Earth because he was so concerned with the church's state, but I guarantee there were moments he just wanted to be with God. I promise there were times, even given the fact that He KNEW His purpose, that Jesus thought about just saying, "I'm done. This isn't easy. This Earth is evil and horrible, and I just want to go Home." I'm not saying that because its a guess... I'm saying that because He says He understands when I feel that way. My relationship with Jesus that might seem pretty strange to most, but I will tell you this lately stuff just makes more sense when I talk to Him. But not pray with all the thees and thous. Just talk to Him. That's how I've learned to pray lately. He's my friend, my partner, my heart and soul. Why wouldn't I talk to Him like that? And when I do, He answers. Not verbally with clouds and thunder, but you know when you just... "know" something. When you get thoughts in your head that aren't yours when you are praying? That's how our relationship works. Is it that way for everyone, probably not. But its that way for us. And if that isn't enough to convince you that He feels that way, then Hebrews 2:17-18 and 4:15 says that Jesus went through every temptation we go through, every thought we have, every feeling we feel. So how can you say that he didn't at some point want to just go home?


I get overwhelmed too...
I get so frustrated sometimes. I just want to scream. I want to curl up in the corner and cry. Marriage is hard these days. "You have to fight for your marriage every day," a fellow blogger said, and I believe that to be true. I love my husband beyond loving him, but the man is busy. He gets preoccupied with other stuff besides me, like football and that blankety-blank phone he's so attached to. I know you girls out there can relate so I won't go into more detail than that. LOL And yes... I get upset. I cry because he doesn't answer me, or doesn't compliment me when I do something I think is great. There are days when I feel lonely and not very wanted. But what can I say, girls are dumb sometimes... sorry but we are ladies. We just get so caught up in all the... Feelings... that we forget to see the actual person that is there. My husband adores me. He loves me so very much. And even though he's not a romance novel character, he's perfect in my eyes, and that is why I want to spend so much time with him and get upset when I don't. Of course getting HIM to understand that is like trying to get him to understand why I have to have a certain coffee creamer every morning. Its not gonna happen. LOL Then...Try doing laundry for 5 people and see if it ever ends. Cook and clean for a bunch of picky eaters who don't know how to clean up after themselves, and get up with a baby several times a night and don't nap during the day when he's asleep because you have a million things to do. Such is the life of a stay at home Mommy of 3. Would I change it? No. Do I wish it was easier? Yep. But the thing is, I am learning more about God's love than I ever learned in all the time I worked in the business world. Every day I learn something new. Maybe its because I have more time to stop and listen. Could be that its just where I am in life at this time. Then again it just might be because I'm ready to hear what He has to say. I don't know really, but life is just more fulfilling now than it used to be. I work a lot harder. I am very tired most of the time, but its worth it.

Clinging to Jesus....
My prayer is that I hope you will take what I have to say and listen to it because I don't tell you how perfect I am all the time. I remember when I was depressed and someone would tell me, "Just be happy." Ha ha, yeah that works. Or "why can't you just snap out of it?" Well...hmmm... I guess I wasn't ready. Took me a little while but that's what I figured out. I just wasn't ready. It wasn't time. But now my season is coming, and its full of amazing things and I am so grateful for each of them. The thing is though.... do you learn more in good times.... or in tough times? Exactly when you are clinging onto God for dear life. So I can expect to have trials. I can pretty much guarantee that I will get frustrated. I will feel down, and I will just want to go Home. That is the beauty of this journey though. Once you learn to accept hard times as a chance to grow closer to the Lord, those times become the biggest blessings in your life. For example, I know that there are times I'd rather spend time with my husband than studying my bible, but he is busy and has things to do. I get sad because I miss him and wish other things weren't so important. But those are the times I have to cling to Jesus because I don't want to take it personally. Him being busy isn't about me. Its just life, most of the time. Not always, and if you have been married for any length of time you understand what I mean. ;) But what its done to me is I've learned to lean on God instead of my husband so much. Which is a very good thing. You never know when God will call those that you love home, and you can't base your entire faith around one person. You can love them with your whole heart, but if you are so codependent upon them that you can't function without them, you are going to be in trouble if life takes a nasty turn. So you take the lessons from the yuckiness in your life, and you become stronger in faith. I promise, as hard as it is, you appreciate the moments you do get to enjoy your spouse or whatever it is that you are waiting on, so much more. If I've learned anything over the last few months it is, everything is better when its seen through Jesus' eyes.


So where does this take me now....
I am on a journey of trusting God. This whole blogging experience is about me having the faith to follow what I believe He is telling me to do. I have to trust that what I say is what He wants me to say. That the messages I send out through this are of love and strength that is only found in the Lord. I also want you to know that I just want others to find what I have. I want to help others so badly to be able to get through those hard times with some grace and faith. Its the only way I know how to live now. And I am so thankful for that....I just pray that you find it too. Through this blog, through my tweets, or just on your own somehow. But try to find it. It is truly the only way to live a life on this Earth that matters.

Until next time... take a deep breath... it will all be over in a little while....and nothing is as bad as it seems in the first 30 minutes.... that I promise.

Love and prayers,

Jessica

Loving the difficult ones...

You know that person....
Do you have someone in your life that is just really hard to love sometimes? Maybe they are the love of your life but man they just get so... ugh! I live with a lot of people like that in my life. I love them with all of my heart, but sometimes I just wanna strangle them cause they don't get it! When I started changing myself I learned to look at life differently. I changed dramatically. I literally went from thinking my life was never going to amount to anything, to only wanting the best for my life, and it all changed by a few simple things. One was that I started looking at the people that gave me the hardest time in life and learned how to see them with new eyes. You know sometimes people react to you in ways because that is all they know how to do? If someone has never been taught how to forgive, or forget, how can you expect them to not badger you about the sins in your life? If someone isn't a Christian, how can you expect them to live a life lead by Christ if they don't know what that entails? Same thing with love, if you have never been taught to really love someone, by either reflecting God's love or how you were raised as a child, you cannot expect that person to love you in that way. Its funny we don't expect toddlers to follow rules they don't understand, but yet we expect adults to. Doesn't seem quite fair now does it?


How I learned to love...
I grew up in a loving family. I am a Daddy's Girl to the letter. I still think my Daddy is Jesus on earth. No lie. That is how much I adore him. We are a lot alike. We have those personalities that just loves people no matter what they do. Makes it hard on us sometimes. I guess that is why we bonded so well over the years. He has loved me through thick and thin, good and bad. He's stood by my side and just loved me. For that I am forever grateful. I'll never forget the one and only time my Daddy let me down. It hurt me for years, and I didn't understand it. Now of course I know why he did what he did. I know that he was just doing what he thought was the best thing, and honestly I can't blame him for that. Then there is my Mom. She is a great lady. She loves her family so much, and we are like polar opposites. We either get along perfectly or we clash like titans. Because of that I love her with a different love than I love my father. She gives me passion, and fire. She has made me stronger, a better woman, and a lot more capable as a mother. I learned everything I know about parenting from her. I still to this day call her when I'm not so sure about things. I guess the thing that was the hardest for me in our relationship was that I was the only girl, the oldest, and I was supposed to be perfect. Problem is, I'm not. I learned some bad self image issues from my Mom. I learned to be a perfectionist. How to let others dictate my life, and how to hide what I felt. All things that were pretty devastating to me over the years. But I am a better person now because of all of those things. So in reality I thank her for raising me the way she did. You know what the amazing thing is, even though we have a relationship that has been rocky, it is in a better place now than it has EVER been. So to me it was worth it. I just had to learn how to accept the way she is, and the way I am.


My experiences with loving others...
So from that little bit of information about me you can probably figure out where I fall into the spectrum on love. I'm a lover. I'm passionate and giving. I love with this unending desperate type of love. I always have, even before the change. Its crazy how much I love people sometimes. Not that I'm saying I'm so wonderful because I'm that way, because trust me, its not the best thing in the world, but those that experience it say its pretty awesome. I don't know really, you'd have to ask them. ha ha. The problem is I get my feelings hurt ALOT because of it. I mean A LOT. I try so hard not to let it get to me, but it does sometimes. It is hard when you give and give to people and you get nothing in return, or even worse you get this patronizing pat on the head for something amazing you did for them. That to me is worse than anything. Just don't respond please! ha ha. Ugh I get so frustrated with my husband about that sometimes. But again he isn't like me and where I'd just adore some of the things I do for him, he just takes it and says, "thanks honey" and goes about his business. So hard to take, but that is just the way he is. He doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve like me, and he doesn't openly love the way I do. Oh don't get me wrong, he loves me and the kids. He is so amazing given what he grew up with, but he also has that type A personality and was an only child of a single mother. That should explain a lot to you. ha ha. So needless to say its taken some adjustments in my thinking towards him and the way he shows his love, but let me tell you one of the biggest lessons I had to learn was a lesson in reality.

Real life love...
Life isn't a fairy tale. Love isn't like the movies, and you can't expect it to be. Do you realize that what we live through each day here on Earth is a test of our faith to get into Heaven? It isn't meant to be easy and wonderful. Yes there are moments that are. I live a blissful life 90 percent of the time now. But there are times that the 10 percent sneaks in and wow its like I get hit with a semi truck. I swear romance novels, and romantic movies are Satan's way of getting into our heads to mess us up, especially us women. Seriously think about it, you watch some sappy movie, and if it doesn't make you all in love with your man, it makes you wish he was like the man in the movie. In that instant you've already broken a commandment. "Thou shalt not covet another man's wife." Yes I know its fake. Yes I know its a movie. But those feelings are real, and feelings and thoughts are as much a sin as actually doing the sin. Think on that one! I love to read. LOVE it, and I used to read a lot of dark stuff. You know all of those vampire books? Yeah I've read them all. Not just one series. All of them. There was a time in my life that I was so entranced by that stupid stuff that I literally couldn't wait to get the next one. It consumed my thoughts. I wished my husband was like those characters. Not the blood sucking part, but you know what I mean! It was horrible for our marriage. I started resenting him. I hated that he didn't love me like I wanted. I felt neglected and sad. All because the reality in my head was different from the reality in my life. Now God wasn't the center of our marriage at the time and that is the entire problem. We didn't have a great marriage. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't good, and it definitely wasn't strong. It started changing when we brought God into the center of it all. Sometimes things have to get so broken that you can't depend on anything or anyone else but God to fix it. That is where we got, and man it is so much better now. We literally grow closer every day. I love him in this desperate way that is hard to explain, but I had to learn to love him like that. When your personalities are different it is hard to understand how the other person shows their love. It took me a lot of work to figure that out. Just because he doesn't profess his love via facebook and whatever, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Just because he doesn't romance me and sweep me off my feet every night doesn't mean he doesn't love me. What he does to show me those things is the fact that he comes home every night. That he adores our children. When he looks at me from across the room and smiles at me. There are moments he snuggles up to me at night in his sleep. Those are my romance moments. A real man loves you by the way he lives his life, not by how he romances you. Yes I know romance and intimacy are great parts of marriage, but trust me, its not everything. It took me a long time to get to this point, but honestly I can say that I'd take a night curled up with his arms around me over a fancy dinner any time. And you know what the best part is... when I do get that fancy dinner, I feel like a princess. That is my fairy tale moment. When I get those unexpected treats is when I know I'm the queen of his world. Does it happen all the time? Nope. But its OK, because he shows me he loves me in so many ways every day.


How do you love a difficult person?
Man this one is tough. How do you love someone that hurts you? Or maybe someone that just is so darn negative? I have people like that in my life. I have had to learn to love through personalities, attitudes, and self centered thoughts. Seems like I'm surrounded by a lot of "Its ALL about Me" people, but you can live your life very blissful even with those people, and here's how. You love them like Jesus does. Corney I know. I KNOW! But it is the truth. How do you think I get through the times when I spend so much time telling my husband I love him and he "pats me on the head"? I remember all the times God loved me and I said "yeah yeah thanks God, I'll take that forgiveness and be on my way." Makes you think doesn't it....Or how about when you give and give to someone and they don't notice. Again... the cross. Maybe its that you feel alone in a house full of people. Do you forget that God is sitting right there just waiting for you to notice Him? How many times have you hurt God's feelings by neglecting Him today... yesterday... last week? Seriously. All that love we want from others has always been right under our noses. When you think about how hard it is to love that "difficult" person in your life, you remember how easy it is for God to love us regardless of how unworthy we are. We are the hardest thing to love in all of God's creation and yet He loves us the MOST. The MOST! He died for us and we sometimes forget that. He left Heaven to come here because he wanted to be closer to us. He suffered for us. You think you've suffered for love.... HE SUFFERED FOR LOVE. And all He wants is for us to love Him back. So next time you find yourself frustrated with someone, or how they love you, just remember God loves us no matter how undeserving we are. I read a quote the other day that said, "The Bible teaches us that we love Jesus as much as the person we love the least." I hope you find a way to love that person the most today, because we all deserve love, and God is the reason we are worthy of it.

Until the next time, Love your family, Love your God, and love your enemies just as much.

Jessica

You have to change first...

Be the change you want to see in the world...
How many times have we heard that phrase and wanted to do something but didn't know how? Or maybe you heard that phrase and thought, "What in the world could I do that would amount to anything?" I used to think that way as well. I thought I was this one, tiny, insignficant woman with a lot of talents that were just being wasted away in the shuffle of work, kids, and marriage. I didn't have a clue how I could be the person I wanted to be. There were places in my heart that desperately wanted to mimick Mother Teresa's compassion, places that wanted to sing like Sandi Patti, and still more places that wanted to challenge people like Francis Chan. Now, I am not by any means saying I am like them or will ever be, but if I could be like anyone on this earth, it would be a combination of them, mixed in with a little John the Baptist. ;) Figure that one out. Seriously I want to be a giver, a lover, and have no abandon when it comes to sharing the love of my Lord. I want to shout it from the mountain and carry it into the valley with me. I want to reach out to people that need help but challenge them to get better with God's help. I see the good works being done all over the world for people that need help so desperately, and I admire that work, but what I'm called to do is so much different. I know in my heart I am supposed to help people. I was designed to change the world. Not so sure how yet, but I know its there and the season is coming. Honestly though just proclaiming that truly scares me to death. Maybe that's part of fearing the Lord. You never know where He might send you, and that is the awesomeness of His power. Doesn't make it easier... Or does it?
What do I give?
I have had a lot of different jobs over my short life time, what is funny is that all of them were about serving others. I taught preschool, did some catering work, designed and made children's clothes, worked in customer service, and was an assistant in a special education classroom. I volunteered with women who were trying to rebuild their lives after tragedy. Worked with the elderly by taking them to the doctor, and even walked dogs a time or two. I enjoy cooking huge meals for my family and friends. I make clothes for little girls, and I just started making my newborn son's baby food. I have made birthday cakes, wedding cakes, and shower cakes.  And most of the time, I've done all of these things for way less money than the time and energy I put into them. Basically, I truly love doing things for others and I don't mind if I don't get rich from it. It makes my heart feel good to know that I can give someone a part of my gifts. Problem is I haven't ever done anything big. Nothing major, no huge change in the world, I really haven't donated anything that was really a sacrifice of myself. I guess that is..except for love. Which is kinda corney sounding I know, but its the truth. The one thing that I can say that I do without fear or worry is loving. Its just who I am. I have a hard time staying mad at anyone. You can hurt me a million times, and I'm going to love you and tell you I'm sorry I got upset. I just want everyone to know that there is someone out there that understands and loves them. Even the homeless, dirty, toothless woman that has no where to go. I love the child who can't feed themself, or the mentally challenged. I love children who have been abused, women with low self esteem, and the proud business man that just doesn't get it. I love the old lady that sings off key, and the little boy who totally annoys you in Sunday school. I don't know why, but I draw people like that. Weird how that has always worked. I've been that way my entire life. I actually remember being that way as a teenager. I am one of those people that can honestly look at you and say, "I think you are beautiful just the way you are." Now do I always feel that way about myself, NOT a chance, but others, of course.


So where does that take me?
I'm not so sure. I have huge ideas, but not so sure how to make them happen. Do I have faith that God is going to use me, yes. I'm learning it more and more. I see it every day grow a little. I used to be terrified of it, but now, I'm excited. I can't wait to be able to share God through smiles, hugs, and warm meals. Whatever He wants me to do is what I want. I just wish I knew where to go from here. What path to take. What person to contact. You know? Its like knowing you could do something HUGE but not knowing how to make it happen. I am like this soda bottle that God has been shaking for the last year and I'm about to burst. Just have to find someone that will be lead by God to show me what to do next. I pray that they are out there. I hope that God will speak to them like He speaks to me. I want to surrender to His will so desperately. Its like this hungry need that I have and I can't feed it enough. So we shall see where God takes me and His plan for me. I just have to trust that it will come to pass in His way and His timing.


How can you be the change?
Being the change can happen in so many ways. You can just smile at someone that you usually ignore. Hold the door for that lady trying to get her stroller through by herself. Help your family at dinner time when you usually watch tv. All of those things might seem small but they are the way to learning how to give bigger. You can't expect someone that has never given of themself to suddenly give everything they have. Sometimes it happens that way, but usually its a process over time. We are greedy, prideful people and it is hard to get us to give up things. Especially when we are giving up our time and our energy. It is hard for us. God knows that. But I think that is why He asks it of us. Because He knows that once we get to the point of giving in to HIS plan we are getting closer to Heaven. That's His whole goal anyways. To mold us and make us into a likeness of His image. So start today, be the change for someone in your life. It will change them and they won't even realize it.
Until next time, be the change you want to see in the world. But remember that change has to start with you.

Love always,

Jessica

Do you ever?

One of those days...
You ever just wake up in one of those moods that is like, "You know what Satan, I'm so not in the mood for your mess today, and if you wanna fight then bring it on!"? Man, I woke up like that today, and I swear if he wants to mess with me today I will help God knock him back a few notches. Sometimes I just get so tired of the stuff he tries to put into my head. The insecurities, the doubts, worries, and fears that he wants to use to overcome me and take away from my life. I hate it when he does that. The more that I learn about myself, and the stronger I become the more I hate it. I realize how easily our human minds are manipulated and it infuriates me to no end. I am  God's creation. I am strong, beautiful, and loving. I am working hard and doing things that most people are afraid of doing. I am not boasting or trying to say I'm better, I am just stating the facts of the last year. A year ago today was the WORST day of my life, and tomorrow was the best. My world fell apart and my life started over in two days. But I worked my way out of my valley with God. I did the work. I cried the tears. I felt the guilt, shame, and desperation. I appologized, and begged for forgiveness. I rebuilt relationships, and started new ones. I did those things with Christ, not anyone else. ME. So yes I'm proud of that. I survived something terrible, and difficult, and I won! I know that is why he is attacking me today. I know it. But this time, I'm not having it. I refuse to be a puppet any longer! I am better than that. I am better than him. I don't deserve to feel this way. I am God's, and I am worth more. So today, I am celebrating my love for God. I am going to treasure the little things, and Satan can just go find someone else to mess with today. I'm finished with his games. No more... not today, not tomorrow. I'm done.

Praise God!

Jessica

There is someone that wants us to fail...

The force we battle....

I have been thinking about how to write this entry for the blog for a while. Its a subject that might be a little touchy, a lot scary,and maybe something that most people don't want to think about. I, on the other hand, think it is vital to our walk that we acknowledge that there is a power that is trying to undermine our every single move as Christians.

So many people think of the Devil as the guy with the red cape and pitchfork, or maybe he's a huge scary "Predator" type of monster in your mind. Possibly you don't think he exists at all.

I hate to tell you though, he is none of those things. He is very real, very present, and very busy. Satan was God's most thought out angel. God took great time and energy to create this being to be dedicated to praising Him in Eternity. He was everything that we as humans picture as an angel of God, but times 10. He was the epitome of beauty. He had a voice of silken majesty. He was smart, probably quite funny, and just as passionate. Trust me, I doubt that it is much different now. Although the beauty is tarnished because of his fall from grace, I promise you he's not ugly. Scary oh yes. But not ugly. I've had numerous encounters with the enemy in my life. From major events, to just every day hindrances and only on one occasion was he ugly, and that was because at that moment he was showing himself to me as the beast of the future in a very scary, horrible dream.

From the time I was a little girl I have had this "connection" with people. I'm not psychic, I don't claim to have any supernatural powers, and I'm definitely not able to read minds. This is just the way God made me, and I know this because the closer I am to God, the stronger my feelings about people become. I am very empathetic towards others, I can't stay mad. I am passionate, emotional and loving. I'm very much a servant, and I don't feel bad about it at all. In the same instance, I cannot watch scary movies, human suffering literally makes my heart hurt,and conflict is awful to me. I kind of quit trying to explain it a few years ago. So needless to say, with that little bit of background information about me, you can see that during my life I have had to learn to battle my way through the attacks of the enemy. He is so smart. Man, its scary how smart he is. He knows how to use the tiniest thing to make you crumble into pieces. He has manipulated and used my flaws, over and over. Until just recently have I learned how to effectivelyfight him off. It has taken a long time, and he still tries. Right now he is trying. He is taking my insecurities of writing about him and my "differences" and trying to convince me I don't need to post this. He has taken my desire to please others and is trying to tell me that I can't write about him. But its not going to work this time. I will be strong enough to share with you what I know about him and help you learn to fight him off yourselves.

How does he work....

Well Satan is an angel, NOT a god. He isn't omnipotent or omnipresent. He has to have help to figure out what is going on in the world. Now that doesn't mean at all that he isn't powerful. Cause he is. He's stronger than you think. He has jurisdiction over the earth.

This is HIS realm. We are inhabitants of his kingdom. But we have a God that will use His power when need be to knock the devil back into his place. Thank goodness for that!

Because Satan cannot be in every place at once he has to use his followers to do his bidding. That is where the demons come into play. Now I do not think they are these creepy crawly creatures. They are ugly because their spirits are ugly. Think of it this way, when a human is not a Christian and doesn't have Jesus in their lives, their hearts are dirty and covered in their sin. It is like a rotten piece of lifeless flesh. When Jesus comes into your life, your heart becomes beautiful, blood covered and pumping strong and true. So now take that image and relate it to demons. They may not be ugly, but their souls are awful. They are rotten flesh. Make sense? That is why I am telling you that the Prince of Darkness is NOT ugly. I will explain that more in a minute. But he uses his demons for information, to be in many places at once, and to carry out his plans. That is how he appears to be like a "god". These fallen creatures come in the forms of worry, fear, anxiety, and depression. People say that the end of the earth is coming sooner than we think because of all of the natural disasters that keep occurring. To me I know it is coming because of the mental state of our world. You can go to any doctor and say you are sad and get a slew of pills in one afternoon that will mimic any street drug you can take. That is a good thing? I don't think so. We have more depressed, anxious, and fearful people in the world than ever before. More murders happen today than the day before. We find more people killing themselves because they can't take what is going on in their heads and hearts. And you think that is of God? Not a chance. Just look at the gang life in most major cities. Those gang bangers are more angry, selfish, and deceitful than most people you can imagine, and they are that way because they have let the power of the devil convince them that it is the way to be. Our human nature is flawed. Think of us as holy Swiss cheese. If you don't have something to fill those holes then other stuff can come in and out of your life. You need God in those holes to keep your bread from getting moldy. lol.

The Enemy...

Ever had something give you a chill and you don't know why? Ever heard a whisper in your head that you aren't good enough? Ever looked at an actor on TV and wished you could be with him instead of your spouse? That's the the devil at work. Those little whispers, thoughts, and feelings are his way of manipulating you. Feel violated enough yet? Wait there's more... You know that book that you read that has consumed your thoughts. The one that you are a member of a club because of? The book that has a character in it that you idolize and talk about daily? The one that is made into movies and now have made the actors into "gods". That is the devil. Not the books, but the places your mind goes because of them. And that my friends is scary. You know how many women idolize that one series of books? Millions. Take that in and let it soak into your mind for a minute. Did that book keep you from reading your bible? Did you dream about the characters? Did you find yourself drawn in and couldn't put them down? Yes... You were being used.

This is what I picture the Devil to look like... Tall, broad shoulders, muscular, and dark headed. Crystal blue eyes and a smile that is killer. He will say he loves you, he wants you, and that he will protect you, all through the fantasy of what the perfect man is supposed to be. He will easily enter your mind, thoughts, and life. He used my insecurities to tell me that people didn't love me, others hated me, and that I'd never amount to anything. He looked at me and laughed when I wanted to die because if I died he succeeded. He pushed those pills into my hands. He made me obsessed with books that were dark and evil. He convinced me that cutting myself was a way to feel better. He made me think that sad people didn't eat, and sad people didn't sleep, because that is what the movies tell us. And because I was sad, I starved myself and didn't sleep for days. Now let me stop and say this to you, I am not blaming my mistakes on the devil. I am saying that he influenced me. I let him do this to me because I felt like I deserved it. I let him push God out of my mind and filled it with the idea that I controlled my own destiny. Boy was I wrong. I control NOTHING. God is in control. Not us. NEVER us. I let Satan tell me I was and I believed him for a while. Regardless though, I accepted the responsibility for following through with it and I've been forgiven for it by my precious Jesus.


How else can he use you? Every time you think you achieved something because of your own power, that is the devil telling you so. When your pride keeps you from saying you are sorry, or makes you act out in anger, that is Satan. When you want to hurt yourself, that is not GOD, that is the devil. Those voices you think you hear  at night in your attic, its not a ghost, its a demon attaching to your fears. Let me explain something to you. When you accept Christ you go to Heaven. When you don't you go to hell. Period. There is no in between or purgatory or floating in the realms between heaven and earth. YOU have two options. That's it. Sorry to you catholics out there. But if you believe in purgatory then you are saying that the death of Christ wasn't good enough to cover all sin. I'm sorry, but the bible says his death covers a multitude of sins. Not just the ones that fit into this or that category. You can't be reincarnated,you don't get another chance, you aren't able to work your way into heaven. You either have God or you will be separated FOREVER from him. You know why Satan is so mad at us humans? Because he is separated from God and we have the opportunity to get into the ONE place he cannot ever return to. Trust me he doesn't like that at all. He might not say that now, but I promise he would give anything to take back what he did. But he can't and now he has to deal with it. Think about it, if you had to watch something "lower" than you get what you want, I promise you'd want to destroy them. And at any cost. So don't for one minute think he isn't going to try. Its become a competition with him. "Lets see how many I can turn away from God" is exactly what he thinks. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't love you, and sure doesn't need you. All you are is a number to him. Don't be a number.

The defense...

There is one defense against the power of the devil. The name of Jesus. That's it. You claim it in Jesus' name and it comes to pass. You tell that anxiety to leave you in Jesus' name. You pray to God to help you when you feel worthless. You banish Satan from your house by the power of the Holy Spirit. I defeated depression because of God. Not by my own doing. Not with doctors, therapists, or pills. With GOD and GOD ALONE. You can do it too. I was having a "devil" attack the other day by him filling my mind with things I could not control, I stopped right there hit my knees and prayed for Jesus to take that away from my mind. I declared it in Jesus' name and you know what, the thoughts were gone. GONE. It takes practice and you have to have the faith. You can't just pray it and it happens. You have to believe in the power of the One True Holy God. That's the most powerful weapon against the devil. That and Love. Love conquers it all. Jesus defeats it all. That is the one person you need to focus your attention on. Go back and look at the description I gave of Jesus in the previous entry. See how I described Jesus... and see if that fits what a perfect man should be. The thing that is different, is Jesus is ALL of those things and more. He is the only perfect one. He is the savior. I am thankful to have him on my side. I am so much stronger because of him. PRAISE GOD!

I could write an entire book on this subject so I will save some more for later. I hope that you understand that I am not trying to give glory to Satan by

showing his power and might, I just want you to be aware that he is at work, and that we have a God that can defeat him. We just have to use

the tools we are given. Prayer, the Bible, and Jesus.

Until next time, love someone more today than you did yesterday,

Jessica

God to me...

God in my early years....
I spent my entire life in church. I grew up in the typical southern family. You ate as a family, you loved each other, and you went to church. There just really wasn't an other option. Not that it is a bad thing, I just think that you have to choose God to really accept him, but more about that later... I accepted Christ in my heart at the age of 10. I was at church camp and the Lord had been pulling at me all week long. Every time they offered the invitation during the main worship service I would want to go down there, but I just didn't feel right about it. So as a small group with my church family I raised my hand during a prayer when the person praying asked if there was anyone who wanted to invite Jesus into their heart. Later that day my pastor took me to a baseball field, and we sat in the bleachers together. He talked to me about my decision and lead me through the prayer. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. Tears streaming down my face, so hungry, so innocent, and just wanting to be a part of that family so desperately was all I could focus on. I remember opening my eyes after I prayed and looking out over the field. The grass seemed greener, my pastors face was more loving, and I felt lighter. I didn't understand any of those feelings as a child, but now I look back at them, and I just can't help but smile. God was so present, even then. Everything in my life had just dramatically changed, and I would never be the same. I couldn't wait to call my parents and tell them. They were so proud of me when they picked me up at church the next day. I remember calling my grandparents and telling them as well. I was now a part of the heavenly family, and it felt so good. What I didn't understand as a child was that I wouldn't always feel the way I did at that moment. I thought being a Christian made everything wonderful. Life would be full of happiness and blessings from that moment on. It would take me about 20 years to really understand it, but I was at the crossroads the very second I asked Jesus into my heart, and when I said yes to him I started walking down a different path. I didn't know what that path would do to me, but I think there is that euphoric period of time after being saved that you feel invincible, so that we can grow in the Lord before it gets hard, because otherwise we might change our minds. Being a Christian isn't easy. There are times that life is so hard. You will want to give up. You will cry, and you will not understand a lot of things. But I promise I wouldn't change it, not one tiny single bit of it. Jesus is so worth it all.  


Later in Life...
When you are a young adult you think you have life all figured out. Boy do you realize quickly that you are so very wrong. I will say that when I was in my early 20s I wasn't the best Christian. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have. I made a lot of bad decisions, and I had to face a  bunch of crappy consequences that lasted well into my 30s. I pushed God aside, thought I didn't need Him, and even looked into other "gods". I'm not proud of any of those things, but what amazes me was every time one of those things failed, there was my God waiting for me with open arms. It wasn't until last year when I started seeing Jesus as a different part of God. For years and years God was God and Jesus was His Son. There wasn't that ...relationship. I fell in love with Jesus after He saved my life. I wanted to die, and He begged me not to. Yes, God spoke to me. But that is something entirely different. The point is, at that moment Jesus became my life, and that is when he TRULY saved me I think.  


The man of my dreams...Jesus

Its so wonderful when you realize that everything you've ever been searching for in a man was right in front of you all along. I am not talking about finding an earthly relationship with a man, although I have a wonderful husband and I love him dearly, its not the same, and it wasn't meant to be. This relationship is with a God that will never fail you, never disappoint you, and love you no matter what you do or don't do. This is a God that looks at you like you are the most important woman in the world and actually believes it! He treasures you when you don't love yourself. He sits next to you when you need a friend, He listens when no one else will, and He fills a place inside your heart that was only meant for Him. This God became a MAN because He loved YOU that much. He went through the worst imaginable things for you. He died for you and would do it all over again if He had to. And as romantic and breathtaking as that is....What is even more important to me is that He now LIVES for me. He is with me all the time. He curls up with me at night when I don't want to be alone. He sits in the car with me and listens to my singing with this huge smile on His face because I'm singing to Him. He laughs at me when I'm being silly, and shares my joy when I'm happy. He holds my face in His hands when I'm scared and tells me I am safe. He strokes my hair when I'm laying in a pile on the floor sobbing because I've let this world get to me.  He walks with me in the dark. He dances with me when no one else will. He cares for me in ways I don't even understand.This God is a King that prepares a place for me in heaven where I get to spend eternity with Him. He provides, guides, and protects me with the love of the most admiring man in the world. He is more loyal than a knight of the round table. He's more beautiful than anything a Hollywood producer could capture. He's more perfect than something an author could write about. His smile lights up heaven. His strength is heard in the thunder. His eyes will take your breath away. He's perfect. He's precious. He's just.... He is just EVERYTHING and so much more. I want to cry, laugh, and sing at the same time right now! (I have to stop myself sometimes because I could go on forever about Him because I'm that in love with him.) Watch this video and you will see what I'd go through for Jesus... Her words are my prayer each day...

God....

One day a friend of mine asked me about why we have to fear God when He is supposed to be loving and understanding. I tried to explain it like this...our God is the creator of the Universe. He is holy. He is bigger than our imaginations will ever be able to think up. He deserves our praise and worship. The mere fact that He created the earth should pretty much put us in our places as humans, but for some of us that isn't enough. This God could wipe out the entire Universe with a thought. He could speak one word, and I could be dead in my tracks. He commands the storms, the beasts of the earth, and time. With that said, as much as He is powerful and mighty, this God was willing to sacrifice His most precious possession for us. He gave up His son, part of Himself, for our sins. He had to watch Him die and do nothing. He had to let him suffer. He had to face the Devil mocking him while he died. And he did it all for us. God is the father figure. The teacher, disciplinarian, and provider. He is the holy one. I have a hard time trying to explain God. Jesus is easy, because he was a man and I have something to compare him to. God is God. There isn't another one. This makes describing Him pretty hard. I fear God because I'm in awe of Him. I respect Him. I am thankful to Him. I fear his mightiness. I know that without Him I am nothing, but He loves me enough to make me something. That to me is what fearing God is.

The Holy Spirit...
This is a tough one, and I'm actually just starting a book about this subject so once I've finished reading it maybe I will have more understanding. For right now the Holy Spirit is the guiding light in my life. Its the quiet whispers that lead me to the right choices. Its the moments when I actually FEEL God's presence. Its the link between me and Jesus. Let me try to explain it like this... Jesus is behind this invisible barrier. He is with me literally, but He doesn't physically touch me because I'm unclean and of this Earth.  Until I'm in heaven with Him made "anew" He uses the Holy Spirit to bridge the gap. Why does He do that... well until this very moment I really didn't know. But that's how the Holy Spirit works...praise GOD!  When Jesus was here on Earth He could touch humans because He was part of this world. Although He was God, He was at the time God in flesh and blood. When He rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven, He was no longer physically here, but we weren't separated by sin any longer so He could be a part of our lives in a different way than before. The Holy Spirit was the part of God that could still physically touch us even though we are left here on Earth. Why... I'm not sure. But this is the part of God that we feel when we just KNOW God is with us. It is the whispers we hear. The presence that overwhelms us. Jesus uses the Holy Spirit to reach through the barrier to touch us because even though He is no longer a part of this world He craves that bond with us. Why doesn't Jesus just touch us himself? I don't know, maybe its the whole unclean sinner thing. I don't think God has limits, I just know there is a reason. Kind of like there is a reason God doesn't interfere with Free Will even though He could if He wanted.  I know that this might sound supernatural, and not really thought out, but I'm just typing what is coming to my mind. I don't understand it, and I'm not really confident that I even know what I'm talking about, but I know to listen when God speaks. As the weeks go on I will try to write more about what I've learned about the Holy Spirit. Maybe I will have more answers sooner than later. All I know is that the Holy Spirit exsists and is very real.

I guess if I could tell you one thing out of all of this is that God is love. He is bigger than we even understand. He is with us and He wants our love in return. God doesn't need us... but He wants us. Big difference. Until next time,

Love never fails, Let God lead the way, and It will be OK, I promise...

Jessica

Afraid...

Being Sad...
Depression is a debilitating condition that controls so many peoples' lives. Trust me I know. It controlled mine for many years. I tried everything... counseling, pills, therapy, exercise, faith; everything that everyone else said I should do to get better. None of them ever worked for very long. The counseling helped me figure out that I was sad. Awesome! The medication made me worse. Even Better! Therapy drove me crazy. Sweet! And by that time faith was pretty much pointless. Woohoo! I listened to doctors tell me I was pretty jacked up in the head because of a genetic disorder. I listened to therapists tell me to fix my thoughts, but never showed me how. I took pill after pill after pill to get better. All those did was make me worse and addicted to some big time narcotics. Which I think out of all the things I tried, that is the one thing that scares me the most. I was on some serious medications. LOTS of them. I trusted the doctors because they knew these drugs. Yeah well they didn't know these drugs and the affect they would have on MY brain. It is the one thing that still upsets me to this day. You have this level of trust for your doctor and when they put you in danger because they have a deal with the pharmaceutical company, its a problem. I hate that they put those depression medication ads on TV. They make me want to cringe. So many people don't realize that those medications alter the chemicals in your brain... YOUR BRAIN! The organ in your body that controls your functions, your breathing, and your thoughts. Its not a good thing. Now I know that there are people out there that cannot function without them. I know a woman that is that way, but for the most part, you don't need them. You can change the way you think and live, and that works much better.



Afraid...
You know I used to think that I had depression because I was sad, but as I worked through my thoughts and feelings I realized that I was depressed because I was afraid. Which most people would think that wouldn't work at all, because depression is associated with sadness, mood swings, and loss of interest, and I had all of those symptoms. So how was I depressed because I was afraid which causes a racing heart, anxiety, and nervousness, all symptoms I didn't.... wait did I have those too? Yes I did. Go figure.  Well after a lot of work on myself, I later figured out that I was sad because I was terrified that my life was going to fall apart. I didn't want my life to be out of control, or not as "perfect" as it should be, and because of that fear I became anxious, sad, and really a pretty miserable person. I realized that my fairy tale life was never going to happen, and it destroyed me. I couldn't see what I had right in front of me because of all the glitter getting in my eyes. It was horrible. To this day I still fight my fears of being alone, being rejected, being imperfect. I have to say though, I am doing 100 percent better though because of one thing... I feel the fear, and I KNOW it isn't going to kill me and I let GOD take it away from me because I can't do it alone. That is the hardest thing to learn, but once you do, you learn very quickly how to face it and how to get past it.



Its NOT about me...
There are days that I would get so afraid that my husband was mad at me because he wouldn't answer my texts. So irrational and stupid I know, but when your brain works in overdrive most of the time, it can get ugly fast. Before I learned to work through my fears, I would literally worry so much I'd end up in a pile on the floor sobbing. The anxiety and fear would take me over in a second and wrack me to the core. It would last for days. My brain would go from "he isn't answering, to he's going to leave me" in two seconds. All because I was afraid he wouldn't love me anymore. My husband is sweet and gentle, but he isn't the most overly affectionate person. He just wasn't raised that way. He is one of those extremely independent and closed off personalities. They show their love in such different ways than us passionate lovers do and that was a long hard lesson to learn. I spent so many days critiquing my love for him with painstaking effort. I was driving myself crazy, and I had no idea I was doing it. I look at those words right now and I am just so amazed I used to let myself get that way. How in the world do you get to the point where someone else's reactions to you dictates your entire sense of being? Let me tell you, its easier than you think, and it happens more and more often these days to so many women and that's the truly scary thing. When I started changing my life my sponsor told me something that has become pretty much a mantra in my day to day life. "It's not about me." For the longest time I didn't get it. I thought everything was about me. That's how I was raised. Everything I did was judged, praised, and criticized so why wasn't it that way with my adult life? Everything I did or said was a reflection on how I felt about those in my life, right? And their reactions to me showed how they felt about me. But you know what... reality says it isn't that way!  I had to realize that you know, maybe it isn't about me. Maybe he's busy. Maybe his battery died. Maybe the message didn't go through. I had to learn that the whole little world I live in doesn't revolve around me. What!?!? It doesn't???? Seriously... I had to learn that it doesn't, and I had to get over myself.



Facing my fears...
It took me a lot of work to learn a process to get through my fears. I had to learn who to reach out to, what to look at, and how to find a solution. I still work through things on a daily basis for the most part. Like the other day, I had to work though my idea that if I showed enough love, people will love me back. HA HA! Yeah... not a good idea because expectations are a mine field of destruction waiting to happen. I was just setting myself up for failure every time I did that to myself and I had to stop. So I looked at my fear of being rejected, I analyzed it, and I set some boundaries, not walls, boundaries. Walls are bad, bad things. I will talk about that another time.  My boundary looked like this, I am afraid that if I don't love enough, they will leave me. So, I will show the love I have in my heart. If it is taken and received, then that is great, but if it isn't, I will NOT let their reaction make me sad or afraid. Their reaction is about them, not me or my ability to love. Just because they don't accept my affection doesn't mean they are going to leave me alone. I will be OK. I will make it through the pain, and I will learn a lesson from it. Then I gave it to God and let it go. Once I did that, it was strange, but I felt better. I was stronger, and I recognized that I am powerful over my fears, but powerless over other people and that is perfectly ok. All it takes is a little work and once again realizing that its not about you. What they do with your love and affection is THEIR THING. You can't control anyone. You cannot make them love you, and you sure can't make them appreciate what you do. All those expectations do is make you feel bad inside, and its just not worth it. Trust me... its not. God sees what you do, and how you live. I know it sounds pretty corney, but I believe my rewards are not here. They are all being saved up in Heaven by a God that loves me more than I could ever love anyone else. That is what gets me through the times when I feel like no one gets me, no one loves me enough, and no one appreciates what I do. Because God does. God always will, and God is enough.



You aren't alone...

Being afraid is something that no one wants to go through. But we all do. Everyone, no matter how great they are, is afraid of something. Its just how they handle it that is different. So next time you feel yourself getting down... ask yourself what it is that you are afraid of and then set yourself a boundary. Then dry your tears, put on some music, and let it go! You never know... it might help you heal more than you think.

Until next time.... Laugh, Love, and be yourself. God is always there, love never fails, and IT WILL BE OK!

Jessica