Thursday, July 21, 2011

Less like Martha and More like Mary

Finding a balance in the life of a woman...

The Holy Spirit woke me up with a vengence today. I was in a horrible mood. I swear the enemy had attacked my mind the entire time I was asleep. But I kept pushing forward because I know that usually out of these moments comes a great and beautiful lesson. Of course then again... it can also be painful and hard to swallow.

So are you Mary or Martha?
I do several different bible studies at one time. From day to day I wait for the Lord to lead me to which ever one I need to read and go with that. Today I picked up one that I haven't done in a while. The lesson was on Jesus visiting Mary and Martha. (Luke 10:38-42). Did you know that the enemy can use your servant's heart to keep you too busy for Jesus? Yes Ma'am he sure can. You see I'm a servant to the enth degree. I love taking care of and cooking for others. But lately that sertitude has kinda gotten in my head. Its almost become a poison. Either I'm so consumed with making everything perfect, or I'm so angry because I never get anything in return. One way or another, its not good. I have made it a huge point in my life to make sure that my husband knows he's loved. I spend a great deal of energy taking care of my children. I also do whatever it might be for my friends and family. There for a while I was very blissful and I couldn't quite figure out what had changed. That is... until today.

Lately I haven't taken as much time out for the Lord as I used to. I don't have fun and play. I sit and pray and worry. I do way too much, and really accomplish nothing in the process.  I get angry when I make plans and they fall through. I feel sad and frustrated when I ask for something and it doesnt get done. I go to bed feeling neglected and hurt. Its not the way to live and it was eating me alive. I looked back over the months and realized that when a few things changed in my life I started letting go of God. Makes me sad to think that the enemy is that sneaky and coniving. But he is. No I hadn't done anything morally wrong, but I had gotten so busy in my life that I neglected my spirit. That isn't something you can do and continue to live a happy and blessed life.

So how do I make time to be Mary and Martha, without the bad feelings and guilt that the enemy will try to force on me. How do I live my life as a praise to the King, and do the things I am meant to do as a wife and mother? How do I use my time during the day to prepare myself for the time in the evenings I will have? Its so hard to do... or is it really?

Where is your time really spent?
God asked me this question loud and clear today. I didn't like my answer at all. I spend probably who knows how much time worrying about stuff every day. Stuff that I have given over to God. Things that I am supposed to be having faith in. So in all honesty I spend a lot of my day in sin. Because truth be told when you give your cares to the Lord and you take then back, you are doubting Him and His power over them. That is just as much a sin as anything. You are placing your own desires and need to control things over the Lord. Holy smokes. Seriously?!  ugh... I'm not feeling any better at this point.

But then Jesus Steps in...
So Jesus stands there and smiles at me and says, " Jess maybe you need to take a step back. Rethink what you are doing with the time in your days. Make time to talk to ME about the things that are on your mind, and then let it go. Maybe you need to remember that I am always with you, and that I see everything that you do. Don't you realize that everything you do is for Me? You used to know that. What happened to you?" Of course I answered back, "You KNOW what happened to me." And with a laugh He touched my cheek, and said, "I know, and I'm taking care of it." That was it, I lost it. I was so ashamed that I had let everything consume me so much that I doubted the Man of my Dreams. My sweet Jesus. I'm so... ugh. You have to understand... I have a different relationship with Jesus than most. Or maybe I just have a gift of being able to see Him in my mind as He talks to me. He is my everything. I mean my everything. I would rather die than disappoint Him. And I know that wasn't the point, but it still made me sad that I had done that to Him.

Whats amazing is that everytime I stop and have a conversation with Him, things come into light. But this is hard stuff. So much of it is easier said than done. And really all it did was make me feel really guilty that I haven't spent more time with Him and doubted that He was taking care of things. I have become horribly guilty of wasting time. Precious time with my Lord. How terrible is that?! Yes my kids need clean clothes and dinner, but did I really need to spend that long being upset about the fact that the romantic evening I planned was ruined by an unexpected dinner invitation?  Why did I sit there and get upset about things when I could have opened that book on the table next to me and spent a quiet moment with God? I can't let that stuff get to me so much anymore. This life is so much about being fruitful to God's will rather than making sure we take care of the garden around us. I have to get back to being more like Mary. Not exactly an easy process, but I have to do it.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit just is there to kind of put us in a time out. To straighten our spirits, and give us the attitude adjustment we need. Thank God that He loves me regardless of what I do. I hope that you know if the Lord takes the time to straighten you out, it means that He has you on His heart, and wants the best out of you!

"If Satan can't make you bad, he will make you busy. Don't let him distract you from the Lord."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Human Mind vs. Spiritual Heart...

You THINK you know how you'd react....

You know you really don't know how you would handle a situation until you are in the situation yourself. You can stand on the outside and say, "I would do this, I would say that," but until you are there, you don't really have a clue.

Something kinda personal...
I am dealing with some emotions and feelings about a few things in my life right now. I battle my human mind and my spiritual heart constantly about these issues. The thing is its something I can't even control. I can't change it. I can't make it stop. Well I could in a sense, but that isn't what God wants me to do. So I sit and wait with my mouth shut. And that isn't easy.

Its hard when you know something you don't want to know. Its even harder when you can't say anything about it, you can't get an appology, and you can't even ask why. Your response might very well match others, but what if God told you not to be that way? Yes I'd love to scream and throw a fit. I'd love to rant and ask why. That is my human mind.  I cried to God last night for some relief from the torment I'm in because of what I know. It sucks. Its not fun. It isn't something anyone would want to go through. Trust me. That is my spiritual heart.

What my Human Mind would say....

"How dare you do this to me after all I have done for you..."
What My Spiritual Heart would say...
You know all I want is for it to stop. Please. Just let me be enough. I don't want an explaination, or an answer. I just want you to say you are sorry and we move on. I want you to go through the valley so you can become what I know God has planned for you. I want to be able to find confidence in the person I see in you at times. I know that being patient is the way to be. I know God is working in His timing, but its hard on me. I have over looked so many things. I have gone through so much pain and heartache, but it would all be worth it if you would just be who you said you would be 2 years ago. That is all I have ever wanted. I won't lie, it hurts me that I am not worth staying on the right path for. It kills me that I had to watch all the things I wanted in you for so long slip away as I got stronger. Seems kind of ironic. The closer to God I got, the farther from God you became. I don't understand it. And I don't have to, I just want you back. There are moments I get glimpses of that side of you and I want to hold onto it so tightly I can't breathe. I don't want to move because I'm afraid it will go away. That isn't a way to live. But right now its what I cling to because when I see it, I know its still there. It gives me a ray of hope. God told me to wait on my miracle. That I am supposed to edure this with you. I am supposed to be the image of God for you in our daily lives. I just want you to realize that its hard on me. I struggle. I don't want to. I try to have enough faith for both of us, but sometimes I fail miserably. Just when I think I can't take anymore I get a whisper of hope. That is what keeps me holding on. I know God has great plans for you... and for us. I just wish you saw what I see. I love you so beyond what you know. I have prayed and talked to God for you so many times. I have stood in the gap and fought the devil off for you. I do it every day. I just wish... Wait... I believe that one day it will be worth it. I claim in in Jesus' name that you will be who I need you to be one day. God is working. I know it. I feel it. I believe it! As I sit here and cry for you right now I know in my heart that staying is what I'm supposed to do. I am in no way like Jesus, I am not a saint for what I go through, but I have to remind myself that he reaches out over and over, he doesn't give up no matter what we do, and he loves us through the worst things imaginable. If I am to be like Him I can't give in to the devil's torment now. I have to keep fighting. I am not better than you... I just want to help you. Thats all...

Some people can say that you get what you deserve. Maybe so. Maybe Karma is a b*tch like they say. Maybe justice comes in what you harvest. But I know that I don't deserve this. Maybe in the past I did, but not now. I think that is what tears me up the most. During the time of my life that I have been the most devoted, the strongest, the most loving, and I don't get it in return. Kinda doesn't make sense. But you know this time here on earth is so short and God works in mysterious ways. This life really doesn't matter in comparison to what eternity will bring. Its God's place to judge and lead is to what He knows we need.  The reality is that I'm not here to be in love and have the perfect marriage or the perfect life, I am here to help God reach people. Plain and simple. I am here to share God's love. To be God's love. To live out God's love. When I look at that side of things.... it all kind of gets put into perspective. Everything that I have gone through in my life, all the hurt and pain... its just revealing a new me. Its kind of like a burn victim... You have to get the burned flesh off... the sin and the human nature... it hurts and there is no other way to do it but in pain, but every time you scrape off the bad stuff, new beautiful skin emerges. Every time I learn to cling more tightly to God, every time I have to bury my burdens in Him, every time He has to be my strength, I get stronger and more beautiful in God's eyes. As much as I want to be everything to my family and friends, His eyes are all that matter.

I hope that if you are suffering you know that God is there to comfort you. All you have to do is ask and He will provide relief. I praise God for His mercy and Love. Without it I would be nothing.I wouldn't be who I am.