Human Mind vs. Spiritual Heart...

You THINK you know how you'd react....

You know you really don't know how you would handle a situation until you are in the situation yourself. You can stand on the outside and say, "I would do this, I would say that," but until you are there, you don't really have a clue.

Something kinda personal...

I am dealing with some emotions and feelings about a few things in my life right now. I battle my human mind and my spiritual heart constantly about these issues. The thing is its something I can't even control. I can't change it. I can't make it stop. Well I could in a sense, but that isn't what God wants me to do. So I sit and wait with my mouth shut. And that isn't easy.

Its hard when you know something you don't want to know. Its even harder when you can't say anything about it, you can't get an appology, and you can't even ask why. Your response might very well match others, but what if God told you not to be that way? Yes I'd love to scream and throw a fit. I'd love to rant and ask why. That is my human mind.  I cried to God last night for some relief from the torment I'm in because of what I know. It sucks. Its not fun. It isn't something anyone would want to go through. Trust me. That is my spiritual heart.

What my Human Mind would say....

"How dare you do this to me after all I have done for you..."
What My Spiritual Heart would say...
You know all I want is for it to stop. Please. Just let me be enough. I don't want an explaination, or an answer. I just want you to say you are sorry and we move on. I want you to go through the valley so you can become what I know God has planned for you. I want to be able to find confidence in the person I see in you at times. I know that being patient is the way to be. I know God is working in His timing, but its hard on me. I have over looked so many things. I have gone through so much pain and heartache, but it would all be worth it if you would just be who you said you would be 2 years ago. That is all I have ever wanted. I won't lie, it hurts me that I am not worth staying on the right path for. It kills me that I had to watch all the things I wanted in you for so long slip away as I got stronger. Seems kind of ironic. The closer to God I got, the farther from God you became. I don't understand it. And I don't have to, I just want you back. There are moments I get glimpses of that side of you and I want to hold onto it so tightly I can't breathe. I don't want to move because I'm afraid it will go away. That isn't a way to live. But right now its what I cling to because when I see it, I know its still there. It gives me a ray of hope. God told me to wait on my miracle. That I am supposed to edure this with you. I am supposed to be the image of God for you in our daily lives. I just want you to realize that its hard on me. I struggle. I don't want to. I try to have enough faith for both of us, but sometimes I fail miserably. Just when I think I can't take anymore I get a whisper of hope. That is what keeps me holding on. I know God has great plans for you... and for us. I just wish you saw what I see. I love you so beyond what you know. I have prayed and talked to God for you so many times. I have stood in the gap and fought the devil off for you. I do it every day. I just wish... Wait... I believe that one day it will be worth it. I claim in in Jesus' name that you will be who I need you to be one day. God is working. I know it. I feel it. I believe it! As I sit here and cry for you right now I know in my heart that staying is what I'm supposed to do. I am in no way like Jesus, I am not a saint for what I go through, but I have to remind myself that he reaches out over and over, he doesn't give up no matter what we do, and he loves us through the worst things imaginable. If I am to be like Him I can't give in to the devil's torment now. I have to keep fighting. I am not better than you... I just want to help you. Thats all...

Judgement...
Some people can say that you get what you deserve. Maybe so. Maybe Karma is a b*tch like they say. Maybe justice comes in what you harvest. But I know that I don't deserve this. Maybe in the past I did, but not now. I think that is what tears me up the most. During the time of my life that I have been the most devoted, the strongest, the most loving, and I don't get it in return. Kinda doesn't make sense. But you know this time here on earth is so short and God works in mysterious ways. This life really doesn't matter in comparison to what eternity will bring. Its God's place to judge and lead is to what He knows we need.  The reality is that I'm not here to be in love and have the perfect marriage or the perfect life, I am here to help God reach people. Plain and simple. I am here to share God's love. To be God's love. To live out God's love. When I look at that side of things.... it all kind of gets put into perspective. Everything that I have gone through in my life, all the hurt and pain... its just revealing a new me. Its kind of like a burn victim... You have to get the burned flesh off... the sin and the human nature... it hurts and there is no other way to do it but in pain, but every time you scrape off the bad stuff, new beautiful skin emerges. Every time I learn to cling more tightly to God, every time I have to bury my burdens in Him, every time He has to be my strength, I get stronger and more beautiful in God's eyes. As much as I want to be everything to my family and friends, His eyes are all that matter.

I hope that if you are suffering you know that God is there to comfort you. All you have to do is ask and He will provide relief. I praise God for His mercy and Love. Without it I would be nothing.I wouldn't be who I am.

Always,
Jessica

I get a little bit stronger...

I'm not sure how "Christian" this blog post is going to be, but I need to express this somewhere and this is my sounding board. Please understand that this is a process for me. A way to finalize what I'm thinking and make it very real to myself. But you never know who might relate to what I'm about to say.

For the last 10 years I have wished, hoped, and prayed that I could change someone. I thought that if I loved enough, tried hard enough, was perfect enough, that I could make a difference. Funny thing is that no matter what I did, what I do, or what I could ever do, nothing and no one can change a person but God. Even though I knew that, especially this last year because I changed so much, I have tried to do it myself. I almost completely exhausted every ounce of energy I have thinking I could do what God can only do. In the past Ive gotten so severely depressed because I thought I wasn't enough because no change ever stuck with this person. It killed me that I wasn't worth changing for. That I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. Thing is... I'll never be enough. I'll never be worth it. I'll never be able to be so profoundly different by myself that it will make something click inside and they will want to change because of anything I've done. Their issues are things only God can deal with, no matter what they might say. And well... I'm finally done. Listen very closely, I am not giving up on this person, I'm just finally, resolutely, absolutely giving God this person. Cause frankly I can't do it anymore. I am taking back control of myself. I'm not spinning my wheels anymore trying to make them "get it". Its not my job. And I'm a little bit stronger because of it.

This song is about leaving...but that's not what my post is about, but what this song says about every day making you stronger, every second you fight it getting easier...

that is what I love about this song.

Dear...

This is so hard for me. I desperately love you. I have wanted nothing more than to be able to love all the darkness away. But no matter what I do, what I say, how I act I can't do the work for you that I had to do for myself. I guess I wish I could, maybe that is why I've tried so hard to do that for so long. You aren't a bad person. You just have junk that needs to be dealt with so that you can give every ounce of your life to God. You need to give up the bad habits, and old ways. Let the past go and just enjoy the moment. Do you know how hard I've tried to make things different for you? The nights I layed awake thinking of ways I could show my love for you. The moments I've taken out of my life to do nice things for you. The hours and hours I've spent worrying about where you are, who you are talking to, and what you are doing? You probably have no idea. I have literally almost drained myself of every ounce of energy I have trying to make you happy. Of trying so hard to be enough for you. And wishing I could do something, anything, to make you see that what you are doing isn't right. Yes I know you aren't a bad person. And I love so much about you. There are amazing things you do every day. But...you can't live two ways with God. And you have to see that for yourself.

I can't keep living like this. I'm exhausted. I'm worn and weary. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not worth it. That no matter how good I am you will never change for me. That I'm just not enough. Because this isn't going to be about me anymore. Its about you.


I just...I'm tired of hurting. Tired of feeling alone in a house full of people. I'm so tired of being angry at you. I don't like the way it feels. I'm tired of getting frustrated because what I do doesn't matter when I know it does. I know I'm worth it. I know I deserve what God can do with you. I think that is what has hurt the most. Knowing that I deserve good things, happy things, and having to sit and wish it would happen and it doesn't. I'm not living like that anymore. God has blessed me, and I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm done trying to be your savior. I'm laying you at Jesus' feet. I'm done with feeling this way. Its not doing you or me any good. I don't know really what clicked, I guess it was you being away and me having to deal with everything alone, and I realized that I'm happier when I don't have to spend the time fretting over you. Its been nice to just talk to you and love on you when I get the chance, but not be so consumed by it that I can't function. I felt better today when I woke up and I like how it feels.

I know what you are thinking, and let me stop you right now. I love you. I want you, and that isn't changing. What is changing is that I'm not fighting your battle anymore. I will pray for you, love you, and give to you what I can, but not all I have. Its not fair to me to never get anything in return. Its not right that I give until I'm a tattered bit on nothing left and you don't give but just a little. I'm tired of giving excuses, letting everyone tell me that its just the way it is, cause it doesnt have to be. I'm not going to worry that I can't tell you how I feel, or what I need or want. I'm just not anymore. I love you enough to let God handle this now. Its not my fight anyways. I was just getting in the way. Please understand that this doesn't change my love for you. It just makes my faith in what God will do with you different. I love you so much it hurts. I just pray with prayers so big that you finally get it one day....

So many people say that your past is what makes you who you are. I think that is true to a point. Your past makes you who you are if you let it, but God makes you who He wants you to be if you let Him. A year ago I decided I wasn't going to be dictated by my past anymore. I haven't done great at everything, this being one of those things. I'm making a step in the right direction though. Every part of my life that I let go to God I get stronger. I grow deeper roots in faith. I bear brighter, more sweetly tasting fruit. God is growing me, and it is so hard. Especially when you've spent so much of your life being the fixer. But if I have any faith that God has his hand in this relationship, I have to give the control I have been holding onto up. Its God's turn. I know He can do anything. I have faith that it is going to be ok. Whatever His will is... that is what I want.

I'm letting God have you because I love you, not because I don't.

Jessica

Thankful Love

"Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little, loves little." Luke 7:47

There isn't a story in the bible that I relate to more than this one. I guess it is because of her desperation, her courage, and her utter devotion to Jesus that draws me to her. She is the symbol of all of our brokenness. She is the embodiment of our lives. Yes maybe she was a "bigger sinner" than you or I might be, but what gives us the right to judge her sin? In reality, you and I are no better than her, and if we are truly honest with ourselves, we might be worse. Sin is sin is sin. In God's eyes sin is ANYTHING that separates you from Him. Your pride that won't let you forgive, sin. The lust you have after that hunky guy on the TV screen, sin. The fact that you put your earthly marriage before your love of God, sin. It doesn't matter if you are a murderer, or an everyday girl like me. YOU are a sinner and fall short of the glory of God.


I'm that girl...
Now those of us with pretty lengthy lists tend to carry with us this burden of guilt and shame that is so heavy. It feels as if the world is staring down at us and pressing with all its might. I imagine that is exactly what she felt like the moment before she was at Jesus' feet. She probably was at the rock bottom. She couldn't bare it anymore, and there was her Savior in the very room she was about to enter. Can you imagine how she felt? I bet it took everything she had not to drop that alabaster bottle she carried gently in her hands. She was no doubtingly trembling. I imagine she hadn't slept, or eaten. She was tattered, torn, and weary. I wonder what she felt when she touched Jesus for the first time? Did she instantly burst into tears like I know I would have? Or did she hold her composure at least until He acknowledged her? I can only say that I know what I would have felt. I would have been in shambles the moment I saw Him and knew who He was. I can imagine that it was that very same feeling I had when I finally surrendered to him. You know the feeling, the huge breath you take after that unbearable weight was taken from your shoulders. I can guarantee that all I would want to do was love on Him. When started sobbing it was the release of something that had bound her to this Earth for so long. The love she showed to Jesus by washing His feet was her thankfulness. I would have loved to had the "story behind the story." Did she finally sleep through the night for the first time in years? Did food taste better? Did she walk with her head held a little higher that day? I wonder how long it was before she washed her hair after that event? It would have been very hard for me to have done that. I would have wanted to keep that scent around me forever. I guess as a woman I relish in those things. Just to know that my hair had touched the King of Heaven.... ahhh! what a glorious thought!  Just to breathe in Jesus for a moment!


Through the eyes of Our Savior...
Can you imagine how Jesus must have felt when He saw her enter the room. I wonder if He thought she was beautiful? I'm sure He did. He thinks that of all of His brides. You know that we are never more beautiful to Him than when we finally surrender it all? So when you are ragged, worn down, with your hair a mess, and no make up and you finally say, "I give in! You can have me Lord," that is when you are the most gorgeous! But you know, I bet as much as she felt loved that day, He probably felt that love as well. He had to have seen it in her face. He is God in the flesh. I wish I could know if it was pleasing to Him to see her and know what she was facing to ask His forgiveness. I am curious if this was a moment during His time on this Earth that He did relish in the scent of being loved back. Because after all, that is all He wants from us. For us to love and worship Him. I can't think of a better, more holy way of worshiping the Lord than washing His feet with your own tears of love. You know, ssometimes what we say in our darkest desperation is the sweetest to His ears. Our sobs are like music of a thousand Heavenly harps. Yes the praise is wonderful and mighty, but the honest, heartfelt pleas of forgiveness are so precious to Him. It validates what He did on the cross. It makes it worth it to Him. It proves to Him that it wasn't in vain, and I bet what she did for Him that day was give Him courage to face what He was going to face one day. That is so beautiful.


If it is a secret... it can't be good.
I know that there is more to this story than just what she went through, but to me it doesn't matter. You see, I am that woman, and that is the lesson I need. Maybe you are the old guy in the corner that criticized Jesus for even letting her touch Him. And if you are, then maybe one day, you will realize that you are no better than her. Your sins aren't cleaner, or prettier. You can't buy them away, or hide them under the covers thinking no one knows. Your secrets are your chains. Her secrets are her freedom. Why? because she let Jesus take them from her. I know people like that. High and mighty.... Think they are all that. Their sins aren't as bad as mine, and they are better people than me. You know what.... I don't get angry at them for thinking that. I used to. But now I feel sorry for them. Because you see, I have something they don't. Freedom. I don't have to live worrying about that stuff "coming out" anymore. I admitted my wrongs. I paid my dues. I asked for forgiveness for my sins. I don't have to live like that guy does... constantly worrying when someone might find out the truth, and what will he do when that happens? Cause it might not happen on this earth, but it will happen standing in front of God, and personally, I'd rather be forgiven now, than ever hear, "That one isn't mine, " in Heaven.

The beauty in it all...
I am an artist by nature, so I find the beauty in imagery. I love to stop and picture this scene in my mind. It is one of the most beautiful things I can imagine. It is a pure image of love and devotion, of kindness, and peace. I love my Lord Jesus so! He is amazingly perfect, and wonderfully beautiful. I treasure my moments with Him. I wish I could convert what is in my mind to canvas better than I do, but in reality even if I was the most gifted artist, you still wouldn't be able to compare it to what I see inside my thoughts. I can't describe it. Maybe it is because within the pictures, and faces, is the love. I see love in colors and movements. Breaths of air, and gentleness. The kindness in His eyes, the pain in hers. Love has so many facets, so many dimensions. It is a no wonder we find it so difficult to capture in art. I truly wish I could though, because maybe more people would see the graciousness of the King of Kings if I could!

Until next time, Read through that old story.

Enjoy it, relish in it and keep it close to your heart.

You are a beautiful gift to God. Never take that for granted!

Always praying for you,

even if I don't know who you are....

Jessica

Love changes you...

Growing in love...
My love and ability to love has grown so much over the last year and continues to grow each day. I would love to say that it is because of my own hard work or ability to love beyond my means, but that is totally 100% a lie. I am able to be the person I am, and love the way I do, because I have let the love of God guide me. I have had to give up my old ways of thinking, and shed that skin of self-righteousness that I so proudly wore for so long. Actually I had it ripped from me piece by painful piece but, regardless it is no longer there, and what was underneath was a butterfly more beautiful than I ever imagined. That is what I call my moments of growth... butterfly moments. You know those times when a butterfly actually flits and floats until it gently lands on your shoulder and you hold your breath afraid to move because it is so amazing to watch? That is what each moment of understanding has become to me. It is like I don't want to move. I don't want to breathe or think another thought than what I feel at that moment. I don't want Jesus to move away or leave my thoughts. I just want to be still and watch. I love those moments more than anything these days. I cherish it beyond anything this earth can give me. Yesterday I had one of those moments after reading a simple verse. "When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, 'Don't cry'." Luke 7:13. Can you imagine having Him looking into your eyes and saying that to you in your moment of greatest desperation? Just takes my breath away to think about that because I've had it happen to me.

The purest love imaginable...
I wanted to die. I was alone and scared. I didn't want to feel anymore pain or loneliness. I just wanted it to stop. As I sat there with bottles of pills in front of me I just went numb. I started taking handful after handful until something made me stop. I'm not sure if it was that I couldn't swallow because I was sobbing, or that I suddenly knew God was there, but something made me stop. I remember closing my eyes and taking a deep breath and then I heard it and saw it. There were these eyes in my mind all of the sudden. They were eyes I had never seen before. They were the color of the most beautiful ocean combined with the brightest blue sky on the perfect Spring day. They were gentle. They were kind, and they had tears in them welling up. I remember not being able to breathe for a minute, and then I heard a sentence that I will never forget as long as I live. "Please stop." It wasn't a command. It wasn't an order from a high and powerful being. It was a plead from someone desperate. I will never ever forget the way it sounded. To this day it brings tears to my eyes to know I hurt Him so much by even thinking about that. Makes me want to fall at His feet on my face and beg forgiveness. But I know that isn't what He wants. He wants me to love with that kind of desperate love. To look at those I come in contact with and just simply say, "Please stop. There is a better way. Let me show you."


My Jesus... My love...
I am madly deeply and passionately in love with Jesus. He is my everything. I wake up lately just eager to spend time with Him. I go to bed now, and I'm not sad if I'm alone because that just means I get to curl up with Him and pray myself to sleep. I love my moments with Him when I can hear His laughter in my mind. When I know He is sitting next to me breathing me in like I'm the most amazing flower in Heaven. I love the fact that when I do something great for His Kingdom, no matter how small, He is smiling at me. He is so perfectly wonderful to me, that I could go on for hours about Him. He is my hero. My Knight in shining armor. He saved my life. He died for me. No one here on Earth has done that. I'm not sure, short of my Daddy, if there is anyone who would really truly do that for me. That in itself is enough to love Him more. But then when I think about how amazingly wonderful He is aside from that I still want to love Him. I mean He was a King that gave up everything for me. He was a God that came to Earth to learn what it was like to be me so He could understand. He is a spirit that chooses to dwell within me every moment of my life. I am so very lucky to have Him, and I thank Him every single day.


Heavenly Love...
When I sit and think about what it is going to be like the first time I look into His eyes and touch His face I just want to cry. I cannot wait. I want to sing to Him and praise Him. I want to see His smile and hear His laughter. I want to know all the wonderful things He wants to share with me. I literally live for the moment I close my eyes here on Earth and open them in Heaven. I want to prove to Him that I will not ever take for granted the sacrifice He made for me.  I owe Him such a huge debt. I want to live my life in a way that will make Him glad that He calls me His. I just want Him to be happy with me. I will treasure the moment He takes me into His loving arms and says, "You did great baby. I'm so proud of you."  Don't you just LOVE the thought of that!


No expectations in love....
It is truly amazing how deeply you can feel for someone when you don't expect anything in return. It is at the moments when you do expect things that you are gravely disappointed. You chain yourself  to the reality of this world when you love like that. Do not limit yourself by putting earthly boundaries on your Heavenly tasks. Love without expectation is the way to love through the Holy Spirit, and that is an experience all its own. I promise you that if you spend one week... just one week, loving one person the way that Jesus loves you, that you will change. Give of yourself and just be happy you can give. Love all of them, the good the bad the ugly, especially love the ugly. Trust me.... we are so beyond ugly inside without Christ in our hearts. Don't give up on someone just because they don't know any better. All of the pain in my life was caused by people who just didn't know. They did what they thought was best for them at the time. Was it always a great choice? Absolutely not! But it was all they knew, and I cannot blame them for that. Just like Jesus looks at sinners without the information about becoming Christians, He just says,"I love you even though you don't know." Next time someone hurts you... for whatever reason it is, try loving them in spite of it. I'm not saying don't feel the hurt. What I'm saying is take what they did, and accept it for what it is. A reflection of what they don't know how to deal with.  Then find 3 things you love about them instead. It takes a little practice, but I promise it is so worth it. You will change, and the dynamic of that relationship will take a dramatic turn.


How I love...

I am not better than the people I love. I don't have it all together, and I certainly don't deserve the mercy and love God shows me. I have changed so much over the last year that I hardly recognize myself. I don't think the same way I used to. I forgive with an open heart. I give of myself to the point of exhaustion, only to crawl to the fountain of the Most High to refill myself, and I honestly wouldn't change it one bit. I want to be that person that crawls into Heaven, used up, battered, torn, and weary. I want to be so devoted to others that I lose myself in Christ. I get to be that person every day because Jesus died for me. I can't thank Him enough for that gift! I get to suffer and learn because of that grace. I am privileged to go through trials and tribulations on this Earth so that I can be more like Him. I am thankful for the moments I falter and need to be reminded who I belong to. I praise Him for the times when life is hard and I have nothing to cling to but Him. I love my relationship with God. I walk in awe of His beauty and glory every day, no matter how bad I hurt, how happy I am, or how much I just want to go Home. That is what love is like. That is the place you get to when you know that you finally "get it." That is how you live when love has changed you. 

Until next time, I love you. I am here if you need me. Love will NEVER FAIL YOU!

Jessica



Loving the difficult ones...

You know that person....
Do you have someone in your life that is just really hard to love sometimes? Maybe they are the love of your life but man they just get so... ugh! I live with a lot of people like that in my life. I love them with all of my heart, but sometimes I just wanna strangle them cause they don't get it! When I started changing myself I learned to look at life differently. I changed dramatically. I literally went from thinking my life was never going to amount to anything, to only wanting the best for my life, and it all changed by a few simple things. One was that I started looking at the people that gave me the hardest time in life and learned how to see them with new eyes. You know sometimes people react to you in ways because that is all they know how to do? If someone has never been taught how to forgive, or forget, how can you expect them to not badger you about the sins in your life? If someone isn't a Christian, how can you expect them to live a life lead by Christ if they don't know what that entails? Same thing with love, if you have never been taught to really love someone, by either reflecting God's love or how you were raised as a child, you cannot expect that person to love you in that way. Its funny we don't expect toddlers to follow rules they don't understand, but yet we expect adults to. Doesn't seem quite fair now does it?


How I learned to love...
I grew up in a loving family. I am a Daddy's Girl to the letter. I still think my Daddy is Jesus on earth. No lie. That is how much I adore him. We are a lot alike. We have those personalities that just loves people no matter what they do. Makes it hard on us sometimes. I guess that is why we bonded so well over the years. He has loved me through thick and thin, good and bad. He's stood by my side and just loved me. For that I am forever grateful. I'll never forget the one and only time my Daddy let me down. It hurt me for years, and I didn't understand it. Now of course I know why he did what he did. I know that he was just doing what he thought was the best thing, and honestly I can't blame him for that. Then there is my Mom. She is a great lady. She loves her family so much, and we are like polar opposites. We either get along perfectly or we clash like titans. Because of that I love her with a different love than I love my father. She gives me passion, and fire. She has made me stronger, a better woman, and a lot more capable as a mother. I learned everything I know about parenting from her. I still to this day call her when I'm not so sure about things. I guess the thing that was the hardest for me in our relationship was that I was the only girl, the oldest, and I was supposed to be perfect. Problem is, I'm not. I learned some bad self image issues from my Mom. I learned to be a perfectionist. How to let others dictate my life, and how to hide what I felt. All things that were pretty devastating to me over the years. But I am a better person now because of all of those things. So in reality I thank her for raising me the way she did. You know what the amazing thing is, even though we have a relationship that has been rocky, it is in a better place now than it has EVER been. So to me it was worth it. I just had to learn how to accept the way she is, and the way I am.


My experiences with loving others...
So from that little bit of information about me you can probably figure out where I fall into the spectrum on love. I'm a lover. I'm passionate and giving. I love with this unending desperate type of love. I always have, even before the change. Its crazy how much I love people sometimes. Not that I'm saying I'm so wonderful because I'm that way, because trust me, its not the best thing in the world, but those that experience it say its pretty awesome. I don't know really, you'd have to ask them. ha ha. The problem is I get my feelings hurt ALOT because of it. I mean A LOT. I try so hard not to let it get to me, but it does sometimes. It is hard when you give and give to people and you get nothing in return, or even worse you get this patronizing pat on the head for something amazing you did for them. That to me is worse than anything. Just don't respond please! ha ha. Ugh I get so frustrated with my husband about that sometimes. But again he isn't like me and where I'd just adore some of the things I do for him, he just takes it and says, "thanks honey" and goes about his business. So hard to take, but that is just the way he is. He doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve like me, and he doesn't openly love the way I do. Oh don't get me wrong, he loves me and the kids. He is so amazing given what he grew up with, but he also has that type A personality and was an only child of a single mother. That should explain a lot to you. ha ha. So needless to say its taken some adjustments in my thinking towards him and the way he shows his love, but let me tell you one of the biggest lessons I had to learn was a lesson in reality.

Real life love...
Life isn't a fairy tale. Love isn't like the movies, and you can't expect it to be. Do you realize that what we live through each day here on Earth is a test of our faith to get into Heaven? It isn't meant to be easy and wonderful. Yes there are moments that are. I live a blissful life 90 percent of the time now. But there are times that the 10 percent sneaks in and wow its like I get hit with a semi truck. I swear romance novels, and romantic movies are Satan's way of getting into our heads to mess us up, especially us women. Seriously think about it, you watch some sappy movie, and if it doesn't make you all in love with your man, it makes you wish he was like the man in the movie. In that instant you've already broken a commandment. "Thou shalt not covet another man's wife." Yes I know its fake. Yes I know its a movie. But those feelings are real, and feelings and thoughts are as much a sin as actually doing the sin. Think on that one! I love to read. LOVE it, and I used to read a lot of dark stuff. You know all of those vampire books? Yeah I've read them all. Not just one series. All of them. There was a time in my life that I was so entranced by that stupid stuff that I literally couldn't wait to get the next one. It consumed my thoughts. I wished my husband was like those characters. Not the blood sucking part, but you know what I mean! It was horrible for our marriage. I started resenting him. I hated that he didn't love me like I wanted. I felt neglected and sad. All because the reality in my head was different from the reality in my life. Now God wasn't the center of our marriage at the time and that is the entire problem. We didn't have a great marriage. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't good, and it definitely wasn't strong. It started changing when we brought God into the center of it all. Sometimes things have to get so broken that you can't depend on anything or anyone else but God to fix it. That is where we got, and man it is so much better now. We literally grow closer every day. I love him in this desperate way that is hard to explain, but I had to learn to love him like that. When your personalities are different it is hard to understand how the other person shows their love. It took me a lot of work to figure that out. Just because he doesn't profess his love via facebook and whatever, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Just because he doesn't romance me and sweep me off my feet every night doesn't mean he doesn't love me. What he does to show me those things is the fact that he comes home every night. That he adores our children. When he looks at me from across the room and smiles at me. There are moments he snuggles up to me at night in his sleep. Those are my romance moments. A real man loves you by the way he lives his life, not by how he romances you. Yes I know romance and intimacy are great parts of marriage, but trust me, its not everything. It took me a long time to get to this point, but honestly I can say that I'd take a night curled up with his arms around me over a fancy dinner any time. And you know what the best part is... when I do get that fancy dinner, I feel like a princess. That is my fairy tale moment. When I get those unexpected treats is when I know I'm the queen of his world. Does it happen all the time? Nope. But its OK, because he shows me he loves me in so many ways every day.


How do you love a difficult person?
Man this one is tough. How do you love someone that hurts you? Or maybe someone that just is so darn negative? I have people like that in my life. I have had to learn to love through personalities, attitudes, and self centered thoughts. Seems like I'm surrounded by a lot of "Its ALL about Me" people, but you can live your life very blissful even with those people, and here's how. You love them like Jesus does. Corney I know. I KNOW! But it is the truth. How do you think I get through the times when I spend so much time telling my husband I love him and he "pats me on the head"? I remember all the times God loved me and I said "yeah yeah thanks God, I'll take that forgiveness and be on my way." Makes you think doesn't it....Or how about when you give and give to someone and they don't notice. Again... the cross. Maybe its that you feel alone in a house full of people. Do you forget that God is sitting right there just waiting for you to notice Him? How many times have you hurt God's feelings by neglecting Him today... yesterday... last week? Seriously. All that love we want from others has always been right under our noses. When you think about how hard it is to love that "difficult" person in your life, you remember how easy it is for God to love us regardless of how unworthy we are. We are the hardest thing to love in all of God's creation and yet He loves us the MOST. The MOST! He died for us and we sometimes forget that. He left Heaven to come here because he wanted to be closer to us. He suffered for us. You think you've suffered for love.... HE SUFFERED FOR LOVE. And all He wants is for us to love Him back. So next time you find yourself frustrated with someone, or how they love you, just remember God loves us no matter how undeserving we are. I read a quote the other day that said, "The Bible teaches us that we love Jesus as much as the person we love the least." I hope you find a way to love that person the most today, because we all deserve love, and God is the reason we are worthy of it.

Until the next time, Love your family, Love your God, and love your enemies just as much.

Jessica

What is really important?

There comes a point in your life when you finally "Get it." You come to this crossroads spiritually and mentally that just kind of trancends time. You find out what matters, what doesn't, and the people that you really don't need in your life. A year ago I made the decision that there were 3 areas of my life that were most important. Those three things came before everything else regardless of who or what you were. I chose to take anything that might distract me, discourage me, or just change those relationships in anyway and I got rid of them from my life. I changed things like who I talk to when I'm upset, the music I listen to, the things I watch on tv, and even what I read. I started looking at how I saw those three things and reevaluated the situtation. I took myself out of the equation and looked at how each of these "pieces to my puzzle" fit to make my life wonderful. Then I saw how I could put myself into those pieces in a better way than I had been before. When I did those things it dramatically changed my life. I seriously started living a different way, and now I've been doing it long enough that I can't imagine trying to live my life the old way.

Three of my favorite things...

You are probably wondering what exactly my three things are... well they are God, my husband and marriage, and my children. Those three things, IN that order, are the most important things to me. They are truly what matters to me in this world. Now I know some of you might say, "well what about friends, or family, a job, and responsibilites?" Yes all of those things are important and a part of my life, but if they at any point interfere with those three most important things, then the dynamic of that relationship has to change. Its really that simple. At least for me it seems simple. Then some of you are probably thinking..."Why are her children last?" Well to me this is the hierarchy of a woman's life. God comes first, her husband next, and then her children come in behind them. Why this is important is because there are places in a woman's heart that only God can fill. There are needs that a woman has that only her husband can meet, and to be able to fully care for her children in a happy and fulfilled way, she has to have both of these things in her life.

God...

God has to be the first priority in your life. Now I am not saying you have to constantly read your bible and be in prayer. You can't live your life in a functioning way if you do. There are still responsibilities you have that you must take care of. What I am saying is that you have to depend on God for your needs first. You have to go to Him when you are sad, hurt, angry or even happy. You have to depend on His love when you feel neglected or pushed to the side. Because I promise in life you will feel that way at some point. You cannot expect your husband, boyfriend, or fiance to fulfill every need you have. That isn't going to happen and it isn't fair to them. There are places in your heart that God designed especially for Him. He knew that we'd never be able to fill that place with anyone but Him, and even though we'd try our little hearts out, we would ineveitably fail. I think out of all of the things I struggle with, this is the one thing that is the hardest for me. Not because I don't love the Lord with all my heart. I do very much. I am grateful beyond belief for His grace and love, but I am horribly guilty of putting my husband first. I try so hard to get what I need from him so much of the time. It works sometimes, but then others, it just disappoints me to the core. There are days when I just so desperately want him to notice me and he doesn't. Not because he doesn't love me, but because he's just busy. That is where you have to take that resposibility off of his big shoulders and put it on bigger shoulders. God is the one person that will NOT let you down. He will always be there, always love you, and always listen. He doesn't have another priority, or another place to be. He sits next you to waiting for you to ask for His help. I don't know of any mortal man that is that caring, kind, and loving. Not to discredit the men, its just not your thing, and I get that. Now... ;)

My Husband...

I am so blessed with a wonderful husband. He has loved me through thick and thin, dark and dreary, happy and sad. He has dried my tears, pushed me to be better, and ripped me to the core. He has loved me more than anyone ever has, and hurt me just as much. He makes me want to be a better person. I see in him all of my hopes, dreams, and desires. True soul mates make each other stronger by the life they live together. This means the person you are meant to be with is going to test you. They are going to push your limits in one way or another. They will definitely irritate you, annoy you, and make you want to scream. They also will give you more joy in a smile than anyone on earth. They fill a place that is solely made for them, and it is an amazing feeling to love someone so much you would do anything for them. When you work to see past their flaws and love them more because of them you stop putting so much pressure on that person. This is something that takes practice. You have to stop yourself and relearn how to think about things. Its not an easy process, but it is vital to having a successful relationship. I encourage you to try putting someone before yourself for a week. Do nice things for them, cherish them, and love them no matter what they do that might annoy you. See what happens in that relationship. I promise it will be worth it. Now this area of my life hasn't been easy. I put a lot of difficult, unattainable, and irrational expectations on my husband the first part of our marriage. I expected him to fulfill every one of my needs and desires. He just couldn't do it. And it was wrong of me to put that on him. Now, I know that just because our marriage isn't romance and roses all the time, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. People show love in different ways and you have to be thankful for those ways and adapt. You have to be willing to put a LOT of time into a relationship. You have to do nice things you may not feel like doing. You have to smile and laugh together. You have to tell them you love them. Its all part of a give and take process that will slowly change the dynamic of your relationship in amazing ways. When you stop expecting your mate to be the things you NEED, and appreciate them for what they give, you will love them in a whole different way. Making them a priority is such an important part of learning who you are. Through this you will grow in such strong ways. This is one of my favorite things!

My babies...

I have beautiful babies. Man they are just .... goregous. I look at them and just am in awe of them. They are funny, sweet, loving, and irresistable. I adore them beyond measure. I made the decision a year ago that I wanted to be a stay at home mom so that I could dedicate my life to my 3 important things. Its been tough, but its been rewarding. I love being home when they get here. I love cooking for them and having everything in order so we can enjoy our time at night. I love the snuggles and hugs. All of this wonderful, does have its downsides that I was accustomed to before I stayed at home full time. I miss having extra money. I get frustrated at the ever growing pile of laundry and the dirty footprints on my clean floor. I am exhausted 90% of the time, and I never have the excuse that I have to go to work so I can't do something. But being a mom is the most wonderful profession in the world and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Its better than any dream job I could have thought up in my mind. Its just that simple.

Your three important things...

Now you might not be married or have kids. You might just be single and have a career you love. Whatever your 3 things are is fine, just make sure that the number one thing is always God. When you do that, everything else you love will flourish. Its a wonderful process and journey. You will grow in ways you didn't know were possible. You will enjoy your life more, and find that even during the hard times, they don't get you down as much as they used to. Its just such a great thing.

Until next time, Let Go and Let God, Love will never ever fail you, and It will all be OK... I promise!

Jessica