Less like Martha and More like Mary

Finding a balance in the life of a woman...

The Holy Spirit woke me up with a vengence today. I was in a horrible mood. I swear the enemy had attacked my mind the entire time I was asleep. But I kept pushing forward because I know that usually out of these moments comes a great and beautiful lesson. Of course then again... it can also be painful and hard to swallow.

So are you Mary or Martha?
I do several different bible studies at one time. From day to day I wait for the Lord to lead me to which ever one I need to read and go with that. Today I picked up one that I haven't done in a while. The lesson was on Jesus visiting Mary and Martha. (Luke 10:38-42). Did you know that the enemy can use your servant's heart to keep you too busy for Jesus? Yes Ma'am he sure can. You see I'm a servant to the enth degree. I love taking care of and cooking for others. But lately that sertitude has kinda gotten in my head. Its almost become a poison. Either I'm so consumed with making everything perfect, or I'm so angry because I never get anything in return. One way or another, its not good. I have made it a huge point in my life to make sure that my husband knows he's loved. I spend a great deal of energy taking care of my children. I also do whatever it might be for my friends and family. There for a while I was very blissful and I couldn't quite figure out what had changed. That is... until today.

Lately I haven't taken as much time out for the Lord as I used to. I don't have fun and play. I sit and pray and worry. I do way too much, and really accomplish nothing in the process.  I get angry when I make plans and they fall through. I feel sad and frustrated when I ask for something and it doesnt get done. I go to bed feeling neglected and hurt. Its not the way to live and it was eating me alive. I looked back over the months and realized that when a few things changed in my life I started letting go of God. Makes me sad to think that the enemy is that sneaky and coniving. But he is. No I hadn't done anything morally wrong, but I had gotten so busy in my life that I neglected my spirit. That isn't something you can do and continue to live a happy and blessed life.

So how do I make time to be Mary and Martha, without the bad feelings and guilt that the enemy will try to force on me. How do I live my life as a praise to the King, and do the things I am meant to do as a wife and mother? How do I use my time during the day to prepare myself for the time in the evenings I will have? Its so hard to do... or is it really?

Where is your time really spent?
God asked me this question loud and clear today. I didn't like my answer at all. I spend probably who knows how much time worrying about stuff every day. Stuff that I have given over to God. Things that I am supposed to be having faith in. So in all honesty I spend a lot of my day in sin. Because truth be told when you give your cares to the Lord and you take then back, you are doubting Him and His power over them. That is just as much a sin as anything. You are placing your own desires and need to control things over the Lord. Holy smokes. Seriously?!  ugh... I'm not feeling any better at this point.

But then Jesus Steps in...
So Jesus stands there and smiles at me and says, " Jess maybe you need to take a step back. Rethink what you are doing with the time in your days. Make time to talk to ME about the things that are on your mind, and then let it go. Maybe you need to remember that I am always with you, and that I see everything that you do. Don't you realize that everything you do is for Me? You used to know that. What happened to you?" Of course I answered back, "You KNOW what happened to me." And with a laugh He touched my cheek, and said, "I know, and I'm taking care of it." That was it, I lost it. I was so ashamed that I had let everything consume me so much that I doubted the Man of my Dreams. My sweet Jesus. I'm so... ugh. You have to understand... I have a different relationship with Jesus than most. Or maybe I just have a gift of being able to see Him in my mind as He talks to me. He is my everything. I mean my everything. I would rather die than disappoint Him. And I know that wasn't the point, but it still made me sad that I had done that to Him.

Whats amazing is that everytime I stop and have a conversation with Him, things come into light. But this is hard stuff. So much of it is easier said than done. And really all it did was make me feel really guilty that I haven't spent more time with Him and doubted that He was taking care of things. I have become horribly guilty of wasting time. Precious time with my Lord. How terrible is that?! Yes my kids need clean clothes and dinner, but did I really need to spend that long being upset about the fact that the romantic evening I planned was ruined by an unexpected dinner invitation?  Why did I sit there and get upset about things when I could have opened that book on the table next to me and spent a quiet moment with God? I can't let that stuff get to me so much anymore. This life is so much about being fruitful to God's will rather than making sure we take care of the garden around us. I have to get back to being more like Mary. Not exactly an easy process, but I have to do it.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit just is there to kind of put us in a time out. To straighten our spirits, and give us the attitude adjustment we need. Thank God that He loves me regardless of what I do. I hope that you know if the Lord takes the time to straighten you out, it means that He has you on His heart, and wants the best out of you!

"If Satan can't make you bad, he will make you busy. Don't let him distract you from the Lord."
J.

The Christian “Club” Mentality

“John responded, 'Master, we saw someone driving out demons in Your name, and we tried to stop him because he does not follow us.'

'Don't stop him,' Jesus told him, 'because whoever is not against you is for you.'”

Luke 9:49-50

I want you to take a walk with me down a dusty old road. Our dirty sandals trudge past many a scraggly bush and rock along the way. There are birds singing, and the wind is blowing a hot breeze across our faces. The weight of heavy robes and head covers is so great compared to our modern day comfort in clothing. We are following closely behind a man who is singing praises to our King as he walks. He is from a town several miles away, but has felt the tug of God upon his heart to go into this city. He is silently praying in his heart with each step, “God let your will be done.” With each hum of his song he is praising God for his mightiness. This man is not a priest, or even a disciple, he is just a man of God. There is nothing particularly special about him, that is except for his faith. He slowly approaches the town and heads straight to the slums of the city. The darkest alleys and the deepest sin is awaiting him around every corner, and there he finds them. Two men stand in the corner, naked and driving their fists into the dirt talking in a form of gibberish never to be understood by man. This gentleman walks up to these men and says, “I command you in the name of Jesus Christ my Savior, by the power of His blood to leave these men! Jesus you are mighty and your blood has covered our sins. Please by the faith I have in You cast out these demons at once!” The demons inside writhe agony and scream out for mercy. He repeats his command again and again until the spirits are gone from these two tattered souls. They look at this man with clear, unblemished eyes, and thank him over and over again. The man says nothing but this, “Give all the praise you want to give me to my Father in Heaven. For it is through His power that you are clean once again.” As he walked away from these grateful men, he was suddenly stopped by John and a few other disciples. They had been standing at the end of the alley watching this man in astonishment, but not because of the power of his faith, because he wasn't one of them. This infuriated the disciples, and they quickly chastised the man for driving out demons in Jesus' name. “Who named you a disciple of the Lord and gave you the authority to cast out demons? You were not given the right to use that power as you see fit. We will not stand for that type of display any longer because you are not one of us!”

How did HE feel?

Now let's stop right here for a minute. Do you wonder what the man felt like when the disciples told him these things? I wonder if he was hurt and upset, or perhaps he was so strong in his faith that it really didn't matter what they said to him. The thing is though, here is a man who has enough faith in God to actually be able to cast out demons, and yet he is being told he isn't allowed to do so because he isn't “part of a group.” How many times these days do we miss out on great ministers of God's will because of this exact thing? How many wonderful Christian musicians do not take another step further into the ministry because someone higher up made them feel as if they didn't have the right to share their gift? I have felt this way so many times over the years. I understand the hurt that this man probably felt. I believe that from the moment I was created I was destined for something great in the Lord's eyes. The more I write this book, and the more I get into the Word of God, the more that I know that to be true, but trust me friends, it hasn't come without many issues with people who thought they “knew the Lord better” than I did.

We do it all the time...What angers me the most is that I see it in churches, social groups, bible studies and worship teams all of the time. I see it in programs and benefits to raise money for the Kingdom's work. That attitude that if you don't have a seminary degree, or you aren't a vested member of a church, or part of a particular group you aren't allowed to have the Grace of God in your life is so troubling to me that I cannot stand back and not say anything about it. What gives anyone the right to say, “Yes you can be a saved sinner, but you can't share your story, and you sure can't be up in front of anyone because you just aren't qualified in our eyes.” Well excuse me, but I think that is exactly the people we need up in front of our churches. What better way to prove that our God is amazing and merciful, then to have an uneducated, ex-drug addict, prostitute singing the praises of our King? Because trust me honey, if that woman is saved, then God can do mighty things with anyone.

We all struggle!

I get so tired of listening to people who are fake in their walk talk about how wonderful their lives are while I struggle. I am sorry, but no matter how strong your faith is and how much you love our God, you are going to have bad days. You are human. It happens. Let me know about it ,and I will be more likely to listen to you when you have good things to say because I know I can relate to you. I am beyond frustrated with the image that non-believers have of the church of God because of the high and mighty, dressed to the nines, Sunday pew squatters who think that they are better than the flat on his face ex-con who is praising God with his tears. Enough is enough. It is time to just join forces and be one as God's followers. Jesus did not gravitate to the wealthy and educated. He found the beggars, the poor, and the filthy, and that is where He was most comfortable. Why is it that we, as His Children, are not the same? Why do we think that we have the right to judge others for their status when God himself didn't do that while He was here on Earth? It is embarrassing to me to hear the gossip among women groups in church. To see how new comers are treated because they are not as well versed in the bible as the ones that have lead the groups for years. Get off your pretty little behind and dig into that bible with that young lady! Who knows who she might become one day if you take the chance on her! Every single minister in the world today had to be given a chance, and I guarantee you that the strongest ones came from the most humble of situations. Why? Because that is where God's grace is the most evident.

Our lives may be different, but our sin isn't...
Remember that you are no better than the dirty, loud, and uneducated woman sitting on the street corner begging for change. Her sins are no greater than yours. Her faults didn't nail Jesus to that tree any harder than yours did. Her praises sound sweeter to Jesus' ears because she honestly means it with all of her heart no matter what her situation might be. So do not hold down someone that comes to the Lord in honesty and wants to serve, because our fight is great. There is an enemy against us that is strong, and we need all the muscle we can get. Plus, and if this doesn't get you, not much will, but I do not ever want to be standing in front of Jesus on judgment day and hear Him say, “Jessica do you realize that because of how you treated so and so, they didn't not follow the plan I had set out for them, and because of that 1,000 people that they would have lead to Me will not step into Heaven?” Do you want to answer that question? I sure don't.

Until next time, remember that the things that sting the most, are the things that God wants to use to shape you into something GREAT!

Always, Jessica

Easter... From a Mom's point of view

I woke up last night about 1:00 AM, and I couldn't go back to sleep. It was one of those moments in my life when the Lord was pressing on my heart with so much force I couldn't resist it. There was a message that He wanted me to receive write it in my own words. The problem with a message like this is that it isn't the most pleasant thing in the world so I really didn't want to be sitting at my computer at 1:00 AM crying my eyes out. I think I also needed to think things through in a way that I'd actually be able to GET through writing this. I have told you before that I have a hard time with torture. I don't handle anyone being in pain very well. So to retell the story of Christ's crucifixion through the eyes of His Mother was going to be hard on me, but a journey I needed to take apparently. You see I love my Jesus in a way that is beyond loving your Savior. He is my life, my friend, my hope and love. I don't even like to think about Him being hurt much less me being the reason He was hurt. It is so hard for me to imagine the details of his death at all. I've avoided it with so much passion that I think I've missed out on something I need to feel to cling even more tightly to Him in the future.


A Mother's bond...There isn't a mother on the face of this earth that would ever want their child to die before they do. There is a bond that is created the moment you feel that baby kick inside you for the first time that no one on this planet with ever have with that baby but you. I've been a Mommy 3 times, and my children were never really "real" to me until that moment that I felt that little flutter inside. Its at that second in your life that you realize that everything about you isn't about you any longer. You change from that very instant, or at least I did. What I ate wasn't about me any longer, how I felt, whether I was happy or sad, or sleepy all revolved around that little baby inside me. I can imagine that was how it was for Mary when she was pregnant with Jesus as well. She no doubtingly felt the same way that we all do as a Momma. She probably had the same little quiet moments where she placed her hand on her tummy and talked to him. She more than likely sang to him while she worked around the house, and wished he would stop kicking her so hard when he got too big for the space he was in. I am sure that the day he was born she looked into those eyes and just was so in love with him. As a toddler, I bet he was a stinker at times, and a saint the others. She probably kissed his boo-boos and ran her fingers through his hair while he slept. As he got older I'm sure there were times she looked at him and saw God in the flesh, but I bet most of the time she just saw her child. Yes he was her Lord, but he was her baby. Her first baby.


My First Born...
I know from experience that you love your first baby differently than you love the others. Not that you don't love them as much or the same way, you just love them differently. I think its because with your first child you just are so lost as a parent that its a pure act of survival on both of your parts. You have to cling to each other to learn what to do. My oldest is a boy. He's my splitting image, my personality clone, and my baby. He was born severely premature, so I even have a more protective streak in me with him than most probably would. He was so tiny and so weak when he was born. Of  course now, he's almost taller than me and could  probably protect me better than I could him, but regardless he is still that tiny little baby that used to stop breathing in my arms because he would get so comfortable with me. The thing is my baby doesn't even realize how much he means to me. I can't even imagine my life without him in it. There isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't do for any one of my children. But honestly, I don't know how well I'd do if I had to watch them die and not be able to stop it.


She was tougher than I would have been...
When I think about watching any one of my children go through what Jesus did, I literally get sick to my stomach. It had to be hard enough to hear the way the towns people talked about the "radical" Jesus throughout her life, but I wonder what her heart did when she heard he was in prison. I know what I would have felt. There wouldn't have been an army in the world that would have stopped me from getting to him. Especially when I knew he was sinless and innocent. I don't know if I could have taken the moment when he was being led out to the courtyard to be beaten, and he looked into my eyes and told me to stop with just a look. I don't think I could have taken one strike of that scourge to my precious son's flesh. I think my heart would stop. I certainly don't think I would have the stomach to handle him being beaten to within an inch of his life. To hear his screams and cries... I couldn't. I would have given anything to take his place. I would have let them do that to me a million times before I could watch it once. I don't know how she could have stood there and listen to them calling her son a liar, and a joke without screaming at them. I know she had faith in God. I do to though, and I still know in my heart I wouldn't have been OK with the way he had to die. I wouldn't be OK with knowing it was my fault he was being hurt. That the baby I gave birth to was dying for me. I just couldn't. Can you imagine the agony she felt every time he had to push up on his nailed feet to be able to breathe? Or how angry she was when they spit on him? What about the moment that he finally died? Did she feel relief that it was over? I think in a way I would have. At least he wasn't suffering anymore. But then...where did he go when he died? Did she have any peace? At least if something happened to my children now, I'd know where they are going. We have no idea what happened to Him in those 3 days that he was in the grave. There isn't even any speculation on it. And that in itself terrifies me. I can't imagine that my Jesus, my Lord and Savior had to endure 3 days separated from God to save me. How did he survive that knowing what he did?


Her life was never the same...You know as happy as I'm sure she was when she saw Jesus alive again, I wonder if a part of her knew he wasn't her baby anymore after that. I am curious if she knew he was about to go Home and she wouldn't get to touch or hug him again until she died herself. It had to have been hard on her. I just wonder how she dealt with those feelings. So much of the bible is about what everyone went through before they met Jesus or while he was there with them. But so few stories go into what happened in their lives after he was gone. You really don't hear anything about Mary after that. Her life went on. She had to survive with out her Son. Her baby. Yes he was her Lord, Yes he was the King of Kings, but he was her child. It was her flesh and blood that made him. It was her body that nourished him. And it had to have broke her heart to watch him die. I wonder if she was ever the same? Did she suffer like so many mothers do when they lose their children? Did she just go on for the others? I want to know what was the story of Mary after her first born was taken from her. Because maybe if we knew how she lived her life after THE hope of the world was gone, then we would know how to live ours after our hope is ripped from us.

Why do we go on after loved ones pass?Maybe that's the whole point of all of this though. To reach out to the hope of the world again, even through death. That when he rose from the grave he brought with him a new hope. A fresh start that only he could provide. Yes I am thankful for that so much. I am grateful beyond measure. I wish he hadn't had to suffer because of me, but I am blessed that he was willing. But as a human with a mind that goes a million miles a minute I can't help but wonder how she got through it. What their bond was like after he was gone? Did she pray to her son? Did she miss him? I know I'd miss my baby. My goodness I miss him while he sleeps sometimes. I guess its just something I will have to ask her when I get to heaven. Although it sure would help me to be able to share it with others now.... Guess that is something I need to pray on isn't it?

Well my friends, enjoy your week. Remember that without his blood we are nothing. But without his resurrection we are lost. Take the time to feel your bible friends. Cherish it in a way that you haven't before. The words in it can change you forever. They will come alive for you if you allow it. I promise.

Always, Jessica

Never let your hurts seperate you from God...

Quick Shout out to my Savior!!!
My Jesus is such an amazing, sweet, sweet God! I can cry to Him when I need to. I can laugh and sing with Him when no one else is awake. I can tell Him all my problems when no one will listen. I love the fact that He is my best friend. Praise you my Jesus! I love you with every beat of my heart and breath in my soul!


Sorry I've been missing for a while...
I have been on a journey the last few days that is kind of bittersweet. I am evolving as a person and growing as a believer. Although some of the things in my life have hurt, I am learning very quickly that God is the answer. That He has a plan and that only HE knows what that plan is. I asked Him last night why it had to be that way, and then had the audacity to ask if He realized how hard it is to live life not knowing if what you are doing is right or not? Lol I asked God that. Yes. I'm silly I know. But think about it.... God came to Earth as Jesus... but he was God and knew what His purpose was. We don't get that priviledge. To me that isn't very fair. Which I know is not the point of any of this but you know what...  its a legitimate question from a very curious girl. lol Honestly though, I think I just needed to get it out and have a good cry. I've had some emotional build up lately and hadn't had a chance to get it out.


Boy did I screw up!
You know I am human and I mess up. I get stuck in a rut and don't do all the things I should. I don't read my bible every day. I don't study like I should. I fall short all the time. But what I've learned is that no matter how I might mess up, God still wants me to be with Him. What is amazing is this last time I actually got stuck in a rut it was because of what someone said to me. I am a Mommy Lion sometimes and I reacted kind of badly about something that was being done to one of my children. In that anger I said some things that maybe weren't so Christian. The person I was talking to told me that they couldn't believe a "Christian" would say that about someone, and that they were disappointed in me because I read my bible all the time and should "know better." Honestly... It made me feel like I was the most worthless piece of junk in the world. Not because I felt bad about what I said, but because my appearance as a woman of God was flawed to that person. It hurt me badly because I love them and desperately want them to think I'm a good person. I didn't realize how much it had hurt me until a few days ago when I had to force myself to pick up my bible and study. It was like I felt like I didn't deserve to have that time with God because I had messed up. How crazy is that? But the enemy took my hurt and twisted it and turned it into something that made me feel bad inside. For one thing... God knows my heart, and no matter what I said, which wasn't that bad anyways, He still loves me and wants time with me. Secondly, I should never let anyone's manipulation of me affect my relationship with God. This person had messed up in their own sense and was taking their frustration with themself out on me. I didn't realize this until later. Does it make it right for them to judge me? No but I let them anyways. This is just another example of how quickly the enemy can seperate us. So sad, and I spent last night begging God to forgive me for letting that happen. Because while I was seperated from that time with God, I had let myself get sad, and down again. Something I swore I'd never let happen. Was it as bad as before? No way. Not even close, but it wasn't good regardless. I learned a few lessons about myself though, I am a strong woman of God. I grow in faith every day, and this seperation from God will NEVER happen to me again because of someone else. So please guard your heart my friends. Pray for protection from the attacks of the enemy and know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus. Sorry I've been distant... things will pick up around here again!!!

I get a little bit stronger...

I'm not sure how "Christian" this blog post is going to be, but I need to express this somewhere and this is my sounding board. Please understand that this is a process for me. A way to finalize what I'm thinking and make it very real to myself. But you never know who might relate to what I'm about to say.

For the last 10 years I have wished, hoped, and prayed that I could change someone. I thought that if I loved enough, tried hard enough, was perfect enough, that I could make a difference. Funny thing is that no matter what I did, what I do, or what I could ever do, nothing and no one can change a person but God. Even though I knew that, especially this last year because I changed so much, I have tried to do it myself. I almost completely exhausted every ounce of energy I have thinking I could do what God can only do. In the past Ive gotten so severely depressed because I thought I wasn't enough because no change ever stuck with this person. It killed me that I wasn't worth changing for. That I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. Thing is... I'll never be enough. I'll never be worth it. I'll never be able to be so profoundly different by myself that it will make something click inside and they will want to change because of anything I've done. Their issues are things only God can deal with, no matter what they might say. And well... I'm finally done. Listen very closely, I am not giving up on this person, I'm just finally, resolutely, absolutely giving God this person. Cause frankly I can't do it anymore. I am taking back control of myself. I'm not spinning my wheels anymore trying to make them "get it". Its not my job. And I'm a little bit stronger because of it.

This song is about leaving...but that's not what my post is about, but what this song says about every day making you stronger, every second you fight it getting easier...

that is what I love about this song.

Dear...

This is so hard for me. I desperately love you. I have wanted nothing more than to be able to love all the darkness away. But no matter what I do, what I say, how I act I can't do the work for you that I had to do for myself. I guess I wish I could, maybe that is why I've tried so hard to do that for so long. You aren't a bad person. You just have junk that needs to be dealt with so that you can give every ounce of your life to God. You need to give up the bad habits, and old ways. Let the past go and just enjoy the moment. Do you know how hard I've tried to make things different for you? The nights I layed awake thinking of ways I could show my love for you. The moments I've taken out of my life to do nice things for you. The hours and hours I've spent worrying about where you are, who you are talking to, and what you are doing? You probably have no idea. I have literally almost drained myself of every ounce of energy I have trying to make you happy. Of trying so hard to be enough for you. And wishing I could do something, anything, to make you see that what you are doing isn't right. Yes I know you aren't a bad person. And I love so much about you. There are amazing things you do every day. But...you can't live two ways with God. And you have to see that for yourself.

I can't keep living like this. I'm exhausted. I'm worn and weary. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not worth it. That no matter how good I am you will never change for me. That I'm just not enough. Because this isn't going to be about me anymore. Its about you.


I just...I'm tired of hurting. Tired of feeling alone in a house full of people. I'm so tired of being angry at you. I don't like the way it feels. I'm tired of getting frustrated because what I do doesn't matter when I know it does. I know I'm worth it. I know I deserve what God can do with you. I think that is what has hurt the most. Knowing that I deserve good things, happy things, and having to sit and wish it would happen and it doesn't. I'm not living like that anymore. God has blessed me, and I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm done trying to be your savior. I'm laying you at Jesus' feet. I'm done with feeling this way. Its not doing you or me any good. I don't know really what clicked, I guess it was you being away and me having to deal with everything alone, and I realized that I'm happier when I don't have to spend the time fretting over you. Its been nice to just talk to you and love on you when I get the chance, but not be so consumed by it that I can't function. I felt better today when I woke up and I like how it feels.

I know what you are thinking, and let me stop you right now. I love you. I want you, and that isn't changing. What is changing is that I'm not fighting your battle anymore. I will pray for you, love you, and give to you what I can, but not all I have. Its not fair to me to never get anything in return. Its not right that I give until I'm a tattered bit on nothing left and you don't give but just a little. I'm tired of giving excuses, letting everyone tell me that its just the way it is, cause it doesnt have to be. I'm not going to worry that I can't tell you how I feel, or what I need or want. I'm just not anymore. I love you enough to let God handle this now. Its not my fight anyways. I was just getting in the way. Please understand that this doesn't change my love for you. It just makes my faith in what God will do with you different. I love you so much it hurts. I just pray with prayers so big that you finally get it one day....

So many people say that your past is what makes you who you are. I think that is true to a point. Your past makes you who you are if you let it, but God makes you who He wants you to be if you let Him. A year ago I decided I wasn't going to be dictated by my past anymore. I haven't done great at everything, this being one of those things. I'm making a step in the right direction though. Every part of my life that I let go to God I get stronger. I grow deeper roots in faith. I bear brighter, more sweetly tasting fruit. God is growing me, and it is so hard. Especially when you've spent so much of your life being the fixer. But if I have any faith that God has his hand in this relationship, I have to give the control I have been holding onto up. Its God's turn. I know He can do anything. I have faith that it is going to be ok. Whatever His will is... that is what I want.

I'm letting God have you because I love you, not because I don't.

Jessica

The Gift of Empathy...

Spirit of Empathy.... I fought this one for a long time. I am super sensitive to things and people around me. I sense feelings and emotions almost instantaneously when someone enters the room. Been this way my whole life, and I don't like it much. Well... I used to not like it. Lately I've realized that it is a gift that God gave me to be used for His will, not something meant to hurt me. I will try to explain to you what it is like... For instance last night there was a show on TV, one of those FBI detective things where they find the missing person, anyways, the victim was being tortured. They showed enough to make my mind go nuts. I felt sick inside, my heart started aching, and I had a hard time breathing. I had to physically leave the room it got so bad. Yes I know that it was fake, but here's where my mind goes... By showing that on TV, the enemy is putting an idea out there for some sick, twisted, messed up person who is consumed by the devil to take and store for future reference. Where is the mind of the writer of that show? A Godly man or woman wouldn't want to write those things. Do you see where I am going with this?All those shows and movies that depict that kind of stuff is nothing but a tool of the enemy. You aren't of sound nature with God if you enjoy watching things like that. I get so overwhelmed at how PRESENT the devil is in our daily lives at times like this and yes I feel it down into my bones. Now I understand that movies are fake, and books aren't always real. I'm not an idiot, but they are still being used every day and so many people don't even realize it. I am not saying don't read fictional books or watch TV and movies, what I am telling you is this...Be careful what you put into your mind and Guard your heart tightly!




The benefit of being empathetic is that I can relate to and understand others and their pain, suffering, joy, and happiness way beyond what most people can. I can be an instrument of peace if I need to, or a sense of encouragement. Whatever God has in mind for me at the time with that particular person. What I don't have to do is let it get me down. I have had to learn how to block out things that get to me in a harmful way. The enemy has loved using this gift against me for a long time. Used it to get me depressed, upset, angry, and worried. He used it to get into my head and make me think things that just werent true. It is a blessing to feel pain if I need to feel it to grow. It is not a blessing to feel suffering that makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. This is a gift that I am still very much in the learning process with. I am not really sure why God needs me to be able to feel it in my heart and soul when someone suffers. Perhaps it is so I can relate to Jesus more closely. He had to have been empathic. I just can't imagine the God of the universe not being able to feel what we feel. After all that is why He came to earth to save us. He had to experience our life, and die for us anyways because He loved and cared about the destination of our souls.


One thing I can tell you though is that I see people very differently than most. Why?... because I look deep down inside. There are amazing things inside people if you are willing to move the junk out of the way.  Its kind of like those horder shows on TV. Inside that house is a huge mess full of all kinds of things. Sometimes when they get down underneath all the stuff there is a beautiful home left in its place, but at times they dig down and uncover a rotten, disease filled shell of a house that can't be recovered without completely tearing it down and starting over. That is what happens to our souls as well. Problem is when you encounter people that are so consumed with evil that they outwardly show it, then you have a harder task in front of you. That is when it suddenly becomes dangerous because their insides are rotten and destroyed. You have to really rebuild someone in that state.  It takes a lot to dig down and find the good in those people. Sometimes its there, and sometimes its not. The enemy can win people over. There are truly lost people in this world. They become so consumed by the devil that they act out his darkest most horrible plans of revenge on us. The things that hurt my heart the most like torture, abuse, slavery, starvation, pain, suffering... those things are not of God, and people like that will use it to their advantage. What frightens me most is that the end of the ages is going to be filled with people who enjoy doing those things to Christians. What do you think the anti-Christ is going to be like? Take the most evil, horrible, sickened person you can think of, multiply it by ten thousand, and wrap it up in a pretty little package. And I promise you, that doesn't even come close to what the enemy is like.   


I have the save the world mentality. I truly love everyone. I want to save them all. People think I'm crazy, but I can take just about anyone and turn them around if they are willing. Now those that arent... well... No one but God can do anything about them anyways. I just have to remember to stay firm in my convictions, cover myself in prayer, and go where God leads me. I know that no matter how hard it might get, or how desperate someone might seem, that God would never take me to a place He couldn't get me out of. That is where I just have to learn to trust His will. If it takes me to dangerous, not so fun places, filled with the darkness of the enemy, then so be it. As long as I have the Mighiest Lord and Savior of all by my side, I have no fear.


Until next time, guard your heart. Feed your soul with good things from the Word. Love others as God loves you,
Jessica

Christianity needs a makeover!

 I've been afraid to post this blog for a while now because I didn't want to step on toes. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or lose a bunch of followers after today because of what I am about to say, but there comes a time when you write what God tells you to write if you want to keep writing at all. So sit back, put on your seat belts, cause this isn't going to be like "Driving Miss Daisy," its going to be more like a bumper car ride I have a feeling!

Take a look at yourself....

Are you the woman in the bible study that sits in her "assigned spot" and looks down her nose at every new woman that enters the room? Maybe you are the worship leader that only lets your "certain few" be a part of the services because you are afraid of being shown up. Perhaps you are the lady that preaches goodness and love, but is the biggest gossip to come into the deep south in the last century. It could be that you are that woman that on the outside you are all God and prayers, but every time someone comes for advice you treat them as if they are not as "Godly" as you in a secretly condescending way. It could also be that you've become a lazy, hidden in your comfort zone, "I'll only do what is comfortable God" kind of Christian. Whatever it is, it is time to take a long hard look at your walk with the Prince of Glory cause for some of you, its not what He had planned for you at all. 

The "image" of Christ...

I have a major problem with the "Christian" image of late. I can imagine God dislikes hypocrisy as much as I do, but if I were a betting woman I'd probably say He dislikes it way beyond what I understand. God is pure truth and I'm just a poor measly sinner who has no idea what real Godly truth is, so trust me hypocrisy means a very different thing to the God of the Universe than it does to me, but neither opinion is good. I really can't say how God feels about the way so many Christians are living today, but I do know what I see and it isn't pretty. I know what God teaches in the bible, and I have an example in Jesus the perfect Son of God, and believe me what you are doing in some of your churches and groups is so far away from the truth of God that you literally follow that "wolf in sheep's clothing" definition perfectly.  You want to know why people run from churches? Want to know why the drug addict prostitute would rather run into the arms of the devil than God? Because of US! We have started to think that because we are "God's chosen" we are "God's gift" to the world. But we are so dead wrong! God's gift to the world was Jesus Christ. The example of everything we are supposed to be as Christians, but fail so miserably at. I left a church because I felt a calling on my heart from God, but because I wasn't one of the "women's leaders" I didn't have a right to speak my voice. I tried again and again to follow God's leading in that church and time after time pride, arrogance, and being stuck in a rut kept it squashed down. So I stopped going to church. I decided I didn't need it. I had been a christian for 20 years, and I left God because of people. So how do you think that woman who's been the "harlot" or idol worshiper is going to feel in your "holier than thou" presence? I can tell you exactly how she will feel. Ashamed, unloved, and unworthy of God, and YOU will be the reason she feels that way. Cause it sure isn't God that will ever make her feel like that. But friends listen to me very closely, she will NEVER know the love of God without us showing it to her. We have to be Christ for her. We have to love her in spite of the dirt, grime, and filth of her sin. Remember loves, you are no better. You are no more clean and no mightier than her. Jesus Christ carried your sin on His cross just the same as hers. Remember those stripes across His perfect flesh...the  blows that took away your sin were no less painful than the blows He took for her. You might wear prettier clothes, have a "perfect" life, and have more money, but I promise you without God in your life you are just as ugly as you think she is.

Attitudes have to change...

It is time to stop acting like being a Christian makes us better. It is more of a sin to KNOW what you are doing is wrong and keep doing it over and over than to not know at all. You cannot be a half way Christian in this day and age any longer. You have to give it all or just not give at all. God doesn't want just the parts you want to give to Him. He wants every minute detail of you. He knows the very number of hairs on your head and He wants to be in control of every single wind that blows through those strands. God is moving in big ways. He is coming to take His bride home sooner than you think. It is TIME to stop pretending to live a life of faith and start doing it. You want to be used for God? Then stand up for Him. Live for Him. Take a stand and say, "I will no longer live my life as if what Jesus did for me on the cross wasn't good enough." He DIED for you. He suffered. He went through unimaginable pain and separation from His Father for us, and we throw it aside every single time we treat others as if we are better than them. Do not be the man that judged the woman for washing Jesus' feet with her hair. Instead get down on your knees and wash them WITH HER! It is no longer OK to just sit back and live your life the way you are. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Jesus needs us to embrace His life and His word. We are the soldiers readying for the battle against an enemy that wants us to live the way we are now. I've been down that road. I've followed the enemy's wicked manipulations and I will NO longer. Are you with me or do you need to just get out of God's way? Do not let your judgmental attitude, your fears of new ideas, and your close minded ways keep God from doing His work in someone you know. If you are too afraid to be the person God needs you to be then you need to tell Him to work on your heart before you continue down this path any longer.

Our lives impact the future...

My friends it is time to bury ourselves in the Word made flesh. To embrace everything wonderful and Holy about God and LIVE it every single day. We are the leaders of this world as women. We raise the future generations. Just think.... If you are raising sons you are raising soldiers for the General of the mightiest army ever known to the Universe. Don't you want them prepared for battle? Do not let them go into battle with the prince of the earth without their armor. It is YOUR job to prepare them. And if you have daughters, you are raising the next generation of Mothers. The teachers, intercessors, and lovers of the next group of warriors. Take heart in how you live your life. You are teaching them through your actions more than through your words. It is time to be more than what we have been, and it is time to become what God has created us to be!

Until next time, Love is the Change. The Change is You, and God is the Love. 

Jessica 

Reverence in a word...

I didn't disappear....
I haven't written in a few days, not because I didn't have something to say, because I always have something to say, but just because I didn't want to say the wrong things. I wasn't lead to write. Today He said, "Sit down and type I'll tell you what I want you to say..." So here I am, typing, listening to music and just waiting. Its funny, I keep going back to this word Holy.


God is Holy
My son asked me the other day what holy meant. I tried to explain it to him this way...


Sometimes there is only one word to fully describe something. Holy is that one word used to describe God. There isn't another word that can truly define Him, and it is the one word you should only use for God. He was like, "oh yeah mom that is why those creatures in heaven just say holy holy holy all the time right?" Yep kiddo you are right. (He does listen to his Momma! Go figure) Of course that just lead to his whole fascination with the book of Revelation. LOL What is it with boys and loving that scary stuff?! I tried to detour from that and lead him into a discussion about the "Holy of Holies" in the old testament. He was quite impressed with that instead so I did good. lol. But this kinda got me to thinking about the word Holy.


Merriam-Webster defines holy as:
exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness.


To me that doesn't describe anything BUT God. Perfect goodness and righteousness... Love that! My God is perfect. Holy...and I don't need to explain it, because my simple human words can't, and to me that is OK.


What is Holy?
You know that moment when you stop for a second and listen to the birds singing? But I mean really listen... You for one brief moment hear all of the tones and pitches of that sound, and if you closed your eyes I bet you could see the music in your head. That is a glimpse at God's holiness. Or maybe when you hear a song and it takes you and rearranges you inside...almost to the point of making you tremble... That is a glimpse of Holy. It could be the moment you feel God's very breath on your face and you don't want to move because you just want Him to stay right there with you, or when you look into the innocence of a baby's face you might for a single minute understand the depth of God's complete holiness. 


Hold on I'm about to get really deep!
Why does it work that way? I think its something that doesn't stick with us for long because that is how God designed us. Not because we don't need to think God is holy, but because we aren't meant to be able to grasp it. If holiness was something we could "figure out" like everything else in this world, I think it would lose its meaning. Crazy as that may sound, I truly think that is part of how God works. There has to be mystery, there has to be things we don't know, so that we will want to learn. Once we as humans have "mastered" something we are quick to get bored with it. I think that is why God doesn't let us fully grasp it, because He doesn't want us to lose interest. So take a minute and think about how holy God is. I don't know about you, but when I do that I get transported to a place I don't understand but I'd stay there forever if I could. Its warm, filled with light, and beautiful beyond measure. There are colors I can't describe, I feel so safe, and there is this sound... its like waves of liquid energy just pouring down and over me like water and its so breathtaking.


(Omg... stop like screeching brakes! that is what that song kept saying to me! EEK! WOWIE I am trembling! lol. Sorry... just kinda drifted off for a moment into my own little world, but you gotta hear this...This morning the song "Washed by the water" by Need to Breathe kept popping into my head, so I kept listening to it over and over... It was like I was sitting in an old southern church. I was singing along and raising my hands, but I kept feelings this awesomeness I couldn't explain, until now. It was holy washing over me. God washing me. TOO COOL! Sorry... if you can't stand acts of randomness then I'm not someone you should talk to lately. Been happening ALL the time. Not that I'm complaining. Its awesome to be this close to God. I seriously wish I knew how to get everyone this hooked on Jesus! Its the best kind of high ever created!)


You gotta listen to this song now and think of that!!!

 But anyways.... back to the description...lol...Ahem!


Simple beauty of a word...
To me there is something just beautiful about the word holy. The way it sounds, and how the word just rolls off your tongue is just so... poetic. Its almost like when you say it you have to close your eyes because it is just reverence in a word. I was going to try to paint what holy was like.... and I couldn't. I couldn't even wrap my head around a concept to paint that would resemble it. The only thing I could come up with was a color... blue. Why? I have no idea. Then it suddenly became a test to me... I'd think of Godly words and I'd come up with ideas I could paint. I could do it for everything like love, peace, hope, faith... all of them, but holy, still just blue. That should tell you something. When an artist can't paint it, and a writer can't describe it, maybe its something we should hold close to our hearts. I love that about God. Its the moments when He shows us how beyond our measure He is that we cling to Him the most. Such a treasure!

Until next time, I love you... Hold tightly to what you feel is scared. Love will find a way.

Jessica

Thankful Love

"Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little, loves little." Luke 7:47

There isn't a story in the bible that I relate to more than this one. I guess it is because of her desperation, her courage, and her utter devotion to Jesus that draws me to her. She is the symbol of all of our brokenness. She is the embodiment of our lives. Yes maybe she was a "bigger sinner" than you or I might be, but what gives us the right to judge her sin? In reality, you and I are no better than her, and if we are truly honest with ourselves, we might be worse. Sin is sin is sin. In God's eyes sin is ANYTHING that separates you from Him. Your pride that won't let you forgive, sin. The lust you have after that hunky guy on the TV screen, sin. The fact that you put your earthly marriage before your love of God, sin. It doesn't matter if you are a murderer, or an everyday girl like me. YOU are a sinner and fall short of the glory of God.


I'm that girl...
Now those of us with pretty lengthy lists tend to carry with us this burden of guilt and shame that is so heavy. It feels as if the world is staring down at us and pressing with all its might. I imagine that is exactly what she felt like the moment before she was at Jesus' feet. She probably was at the rock bottom. She couldn't bare it anymore, and there was her Savior in the very room she was about to enter. Can you imagine how she felt? I bet it took everything she had not to drop that alabaster bottle she carried gently in her hands. She was no doubtingly trembling. I imagine she hadn't slept, or eaten. She was tattered, torn, and weary. I wonder what she felt when she touched Jesus for the first time? Did she instantly burst into tears like I know I would have? Or did she hold her composure at least until He acknowledged her? I can only say that I know what I would have felt. I would have been in shambles the moment I saw Him and knew who He was. I can imagine that it was that very same feeling I had when I finally surrendered to him. You know the feeling, the huge breath you take after that unbearable weight was taken from your shoulders. I can guarantee that all I would want to do was love on Him. When started sobbing it was the release of something that had bound her to this Earth for so long. The love she showed to Jesus by washing His feet was her thankfulness. I would have loved to had the "story behind the story." Did she finally sleep through the night for the first time in years? Did food taste better? Did she walk with her head held a little higher that day? I wonder how long it was before she washed her hair after that event? It would have been very hard for me to have done that. I would have wanted to keep that scent around me forever. I guess as a woman I relish in those things. Just to know that my hair had touched the King of Heaven.... ahhh! what a glorious thought!  Just to breathe in Jesus for a moment!


Through the eyes of Our Savior...
Can you imagine how Jesus must have felt when He saw her enter the room. I wonder if He thought she was beautiful? I'm sure He did. He thinks that of all of His brides. You know that we are never more beautiful to Him than when we finally surrender it all? So when you are ragged, worn down, with your hair a mess, and no make up and you finally say, "I give in! You can have me Lord," that is when you are the most gorgeous! But you know, I bet as much as she felt loved that day, He probably felt that love as well. He had to have seen it in her face. He is God in the flesh. I wish I could know if it was pleasing to Him to see her and know what she was facing to ask His forgiveness. I am curious if this was a moment during His time on this Earth that He did relish in the scent of being loved back. Because after all, that is all He wants from us. For us to love and worship Him. I can't think of a better, more holy way of worshiping the Lord than washing His feet with your own tears of love. You know, ssometimes what we say in our darkest desperation is the sweetest to His ears. Our sobs are like music of a thousand Heavenly harps. Yes the praise is wonderful and mighty, but the honest, heartfelt pleas of forgiveness are so precious to Him. It validates what He did on the cross. It makes it worth it to Him. It proves to Him that it wasn't in vain, and I bet what she did for Him that day was give Him courage to face what He was going to face one day. That is so beautiful.


If it is a secret... it can't be good.
I know that there is more to this story than just what she went through, but to me it doesn't matter. You see, I am that woman, and that is the lesson I need. Maybe you are the old guy in the corner that criticized Jesus for even letting her touch Him. And if you are, then maybe one day, you will realize that you are no better than her. Your sins aren't cleaner, or prettier. You can't buy them away, or hide them under the covers thinking no one knows. Your secrets are your chains. Her secrets are her freedom. Why? because she let Jesus take them from her. I know people like that. High and mighty.... Think they are all that. Their sins aren't as bad as mine, and they are better people than me. You know what.... I don't get angry at them for thinking that. I used to. But now I feel sorry for them. Because you see, I have something they don't. Freedom. I don't have to live worrying about that stuff "coming out" anymore. I admitted my wrongs. I paid my dues. I asked for forgiveness for my sins. I don't have to live like that guy does... constantly worrying when someone might find out the truth, and what will he do when that happens? Cause it might not happen on this earth, but it will happen standing in front of God, and personally, I'd rather be forgiven now, than ever hear, "That one isn't mine, " in Heaven.

The beauty in it all...
I am an artist by nature, so I find the beauty in imagery. I love to stop and picture this scene in my mind. It is one of the most beautiful things I can imagine. It is a pure image of love and devotion, of kindness, and peace. I love my Lord Jesus so! He is amazingly perfect, and wonderfully beautiful. I treasure my moments with Him. I wish I could convert what is in my mind to canvas better than I do, but in reality even if I was the most gifted artist, you still wouldn't be able to compare it to what I see inside my thoughts. I can't describe it. Maybe it is because within the pictures, and faces, is the love. I see love in colors and movements. Breaths of air, and gentleness. The kindness in His eyes, the pain in hers. Love has so many facets, so many dimensions. It is a no wonder we find it so difficult to capture in art. I truly wish I could though, because maybe more people would see the graciousness of the King of Kings if I could!

Until next time, Read through that old story.

Enjoy it, relish in it and keep it close to your heart.

You are a beautiful gift to God. Never take that for granted!

Always praying for you,

even if I don't know who you are....

Jessica

Love changes you...

Growing in love...
My love and ability to love has grown so much over the last year and continues to grow each day. I would love to say that it is because of my own hard work or ability to love beyond my means, but that is totally 100% a lie. I am able to be the person I am, and love the way I do, because I have let the love of God guide me. I have had to give up my old ways of thinking, and shed that skin of self-righteousness that I so proudly wore for so long. Actually I had it ripped from me piece by painful piece but, regardless it is no longer there, and what was underneath was a butterfly more beautiful than I ever imagined. That is what I call my moments of growth... butterfly moments. You know those times when a butterfly actually flits and floats until it gently lands on your shoulder and you hold your breath afraid to move because it is so amazing to watch? That is what each moment of understanding has become to me. It is like I don't want to move. I don't want to breathe or think another thought than what I feel at that moment. I don't want Jesus to move away or leave my thoughts. I just want to be still and watch. I love those moments more than anything these days. I cherish it beyond anything this earth can give me. Yesterday I had one of those moments after reading a simple verse. "When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, 'Don't cry'." Luke 7:13. Can you imagine having Him looking into your eyes and saying that to you in your moment of greatest desperation? Just takes my breath away to think about that because I've had it happen to me.

The purest love imaginable...
I wanted to die. I was alone and scared. I didn't want to feel anymore pain or loneliness. I just wanted it to stop. As I sat there with bottles of pills in front of me I just went numb. I started taking handful after handful until something made me stop. I'm not sure if it was that I couldn't swallow because I was sobbing, or that I suddenly knew God was there, but something made me stop. I remember closing my eyes and taking a deep breath and then I heard it and saw it. There were these eyes in my mind all of the sudden. They were eyes I had never seen before. They were the color of the most beautiful ocean combined with the brightest blue sky on the perfect Spring day. They were gentle. They were kind, and they had tears in them welling up. I remember not being able to breathe for a minute, and then I heard a sentence that I will never forget as long as I live. "Please stop." It wasn't a command. It wasn't an order from a high and powerful being. It was a plead from someone desperate. I will never ever forget the way it sounded. To this day it brings tears to my eyes to know I hurt Him so much by even thinking about that. Makes me want to fall at His feet on my face and beg forgiveness. But I know that isn't what He wants. He wants me to love with that kind of desperate love. To look at those I come in contact with and just simply say, "Please stop. There is a better way. Let me show you."


My Jesus... My love...
I am madly deeply and passionately in love with Jesus. He is my everything. I wake up lately just eager to spend time with Him. I go to bed now, and I'm not sad if I'm alone because that just means I get to curl up with Him and pray myself to sleep. I love my moments with Him when I can hear His laughter in my mind. When I know He is sitting next to me breathing me in like I'm the most amazing flower in Heaven. I love the fact that when I do something great for His Kingdom, no matter how small, He is smiling at me. He is so perfectly wonderful to me, that I could go on for hours about Him. He is my hero. My Knight in shining armor. He saved my life. He died for me. No one here on Earth has done that. I'm not sure, short of my Daddy, if there is anyone who would really truly do that for me. That in itself is enough to love Him more. But then when I think about how amazingly wonderful He is aside from that I still want to love Him. I mean He was a King that gave up everything for me. He was a God that came to Earth to learn what it was like to be me so He could understand. He is a spirit that chooses to dwell within me every moment of my life. I am so very lucky to have Him, and I thank Him every single day.


Heavenly Love...
When I sit and think about what it is going to be like the first time I look into His eyes and touch His face I just want to cry. I cannot wait. I want to sing to Him and praise Him. I want to see His smile and hear His laughter. I want to know all the wonderful things He wants to share with me. I literally live for the moment I close my eyes here on Earth and open them in Heaven. I want to prove to Him that I will not ever take for granted the sacrifice He made for me.  I owe Him such a huge debt. I want to live my life in a way that will make Him glad that He calls me His. I just want Him to be happy with me. I will treasure the moment He takes me into His loving arms and says, "You did great baby. I'm so proud of you."  Don't you just LOVE the thought of that!


No expectations in love....
It is truly amazing how deeply you can feel for someone when you don't expect anything in return. It is at the moments when you do expect things that you are gravely disappointed. You chain yourself  to the reality of this world when you love like that. Do not limit yourself by putting earthly boundaries on your Heavenly tasks. Love without expectation is the way to love through the Holy Spirit, and that is an experience all its own. I promise you that if you spend one week... just one week, loving one person the way that Jesus loves you, that you will change. Give of yourself and just be happy you can give. Love all of them, the good the bad the ugly, especially love the ugly. Trust me.... we are so beyond ugly inside without Christ in our hearts. Don't give up on someone just because they don't know any better. All of the pain in my life was caused by people who just didn't know. They did what they thought was best for them at the time. Was it always a great choice? Absolutely not! But it was all they knew, and I cannot blame them for that. Just like Jesus looks at sinners without the information about becoming Christians, He just says,"I love you even though you don't know." Next time someone hurts you... for whatever reason it is, try loving them in spite of it. I'm not saying don't feel the hurt. What I'm saying is take what they did, and accept it for what it is. A reflection of what they don't know how to deal with.  Then find 3 things you love about them instead. It takes a little practice, but I promise it is so worth it. You will change, and the dynamic of that relationship will take a dramatic turn.


How I love...

I am not better than the people I love. I don't have it all together, and I certainly don't deserve the mercy and love God shows me. I have changed so much over the last year that I hardly recognize myself. I don't think the same way I used to. I forgive with an open heart. I give of myself to the point of exhaustion, only to crawl to the fountain of the Most High to refill myself, and I honestly wouldn't change it one bit. I want to be that person that crawls into Heaven, used up, battered, torn, and weary. I want to be so devoted to others that I lose myself in Christ. I get to be that person every day because Jesus died for me. I can't thank Him enough for that gift! I get to suffer and learn because of that grace. I am privileged to go through trials and tribulations on this Earth so that I can be more like Him. I am thankful for the moments I falter and need to be reminded who I belong to. I praise Him for the times when life is hard and I have nothing to cling to but Him. I love my relationship with God. I walk in awe of His beauty and glory every day, no matter how bad I hurt, how happy I am, or how much I just want to go Home. That is what love is like. That is the place you get to when you know that you finally "get it." That is how you live when love has changed you. 

Until next time, I love you. I am here if you need me. Love will NEVER FAIL YOU!

Jessica



Ok God I get it...

This is gonna hurt...
You ever get to a point in your life when you know you have to do something or make a change, and you really don't want to because you know its going to be hard? I'm going through that right in this moment. Not yesterday, or earlier today, right this moment. Something has been building in me for a while, and I can't really say that I've ignored it, but I haven't really accepted the challenge God has put before me. That is until now. I am probably more terrified in this moment than I've ever been in my life. I'm clinging so tightly to something that I don't want to let go of because I'm afraid of what might happen if I do. I know that God has told me over and over again that is going to be OK. That I haven't gotten through all the junk the last year for nothing. He's even told me that I'm meant to be where I am, but I'm still scared. You see I've been co-dependent for so long (my whole life) that I don't really know how to survive any other way. My entire sense of purpose and being has always been based on someone else's opinion of me. The way they react to me, how I react to them, and the love they show me has been a reflection on who I am as a person. And I'm at the point where God is saying I have to stop that. I have to depend on Him instead.

My Conversation with God...
 (yes I'm typing it out as its happening... so forgive the errors...kinda hard to see when you are sobbing)
OK I get it God. He's not answering again. I get it OK! This is how You feel when I don't answer you. I understand it! Just because I don't make time doesn't mean I don't love you. Yes, I know that! Please, just stop making it hurt so much!!!


(Deep Breath) I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one fighting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of not being able to breathe. I'm tired of feeling alone in a house full of people. I'm just tired. Don't you remember what that was like? Or is that what its like for You in Heaven when I don't answer Your calls to spend time with me?....More silence....Listen Jesus... I'm so sorry if that is how I make you feel. I don't mean to. I really don't. Its just that life is so...busy. Exactly what he says.... Oh My GOD... I am so sorry. Please forgive me.


(Another Deep Breath) I want to depend on You God... I really do. Its just so hard not to worry after all I have been through. What if I start depending on You instead of him and he loses interest? What if we drift apart? What if I put You first and my kids need me more? How do I know its going to be OK when it doesn't feel like it will? I've read so many things that say that if I depend on You that things in my life will actually be closer to me, but how do I just KNOW that in my heart when my head is in panic mode? Why did you have to make me like this Lord? Why is my head so....confused? Sometimes I just wish I didn't care so much. That I didn't love like this. I wish I didn't understand what You are saying so I could go along my happy way like all these other people who fake their way through life. It just .... is so lonely. I don't want to feel like this.


(Panicking) I just want You to be here. I'm tired of talking to the air and not getting an answer. I'm right here and I can't feel You... and its awful!!! Do you understand that at all Lord? I'd give my life for just a hug from You right now. Just one hug. Please...


OK...You know what... You win. I surrender. Whatever you want. I just want to do what you want. I just want your will. No matter what... No matter what. Just help me please.

New Beginning...
So after about 30 minutes I finally got it together enough to calm down and listen. This is going to be better. Better for me, better for him, better for them. I just have to trust that it will. I don't want to fight anymore. Cause doing it my way isn't working. I just keep coming back to this very place over and over again. So its time to try something new. I'm going to trust Him that He knows what's best for me. I know He does, its just my dumb head thinks I know better. Silly me....

"In the same way, therefore, every one of you who does not say good-bye to all his possessions cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:33

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What the bible doesn't tell you... is possessions isn't only an earthly thing.
 Its your heart, mind, feelings, and even your fears.

God is so good. He is my everything. I just will trust.
I'm just going to need a lot of love and strength from you my friends in Him.

Well until next time....Enjoy the song... Love God, Trust God, and know that if I can get through it, you can too.

Jessica

Loving the difficult ones...

You know that person....
Do you have someone in your life that is just really hard to love sometimes? Maybe they are the love of your life but man they just get so... ugh! I live with a lot of people like that in my life. I love them with all of my heart, but sometimes I just wanna strangle them cause they don't get it! When I started changing myself I learned to look at life differently. I changed dramatically. I literally went from thinking my life was never going to amount to anything, to only wanting the best for my life, and it all changed by a few simple things. One was that I started looking at the people that gave me the hardest time in life and learned how to see them with new eyes. You know sometimes people react to you in ways because that is all they know how to do? If someone has never been taught how to forgive, or forget, how can you expect them to not badger you about the sins in your life? If someone isn't a Christian, how can you expect them to live a life lead by Christ if they don't know what that entails? Same thing with love, if you have never been taught to really love someone, by either reflecting God's love or how you were raised as a child, you cannot expect that person to love you in that way. Its funny we don't expect toddlers to follow rules they don't understand, but yet we expect adults to. Doesn't seem quite fair now does it?


How I learned to love...
I grew up in a loving family. I am a Daddy's Girl to the letter. I still think my Daddy is Jesus on earth. No lie. That is how much I adore him. We are a lot alike. We have those personalities that just loves people no matter what they do. Makes it hard on us sometimes. I guess that is why we bonded so well over the years. He has loved me through thick and thin, good and bad. He's stood by my side and just loved me. For that I am forever grateful. I'll never forget the one and only time my Daddy let me down. It hurt me for years, and I didn't understand it. Now of course I know why he did what he did. I know that he was just doing what he thought was the best thing, and honestly I can't blame him for that. Then there is my Mom. She is a great lady. She loves her family so much, and we are like polar opposites. We either get along perfectly or we clash like titans. Because of that I love her with a different love than I love my father. She gives me passion, and fire. She has made me stronger, a better woman, and a lot more capable as a mother. I learned everything I know about parenting from her. I still to this day call her when I'm not so sure about things. I guess the thing that was the hardest for me in our relationship was that I was the only girl, the oldest, and I was supposed to be perfect. Problem is, I'm not. I learned some bad self image issues from my Mom. I learned to be a perfectionist. How to let others dictate my life, and how to hide what I felt. All things that were pretty devastating to me over the years. But I am a better person now because of all of those things. So in reality I thank her for raising me the way she did. You know what the amazing thing is, even though we have a relationship that has been rocky, it is in a better place now than it has EVER been. So to me it was worth it. I just had to learn how to accept the way she is, and the way I am.


My experiences with loving others...
So from that little bit of information about me you can probably figure out where I fall into the spectrum on love. I'm a lover. I'm passionate and giving. I love with this unending desperate type of love. I always have, even before the change. Its crazy how much I love people sometimes. Not that I'm saying I'm so wonderful because I'm that way, because trust me, its not the best thing in the world, but those that experience it say its pretty awesome. I don't know really, you'd have to ask them. ha ha. The problem is I get my feelings hurt ALOT because of it. I mean A LOT. I try so hard not to let it get to me, but it does sometimes. It is hard when you give and give to people and you get nothing in return, or even worse you get this patronizing pat on the head for something amazing you did for them. That to me is worse than anything. Just don't respond please! ha ha. Ugh I get so frustrated with my husband about that sometimes. But again he isn't like me and where I'd just adore some of the things I do for him, he just takes it and says, "thanks honey" and goes about his business. So hard to take, but that is just the way he is. He doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve like me, and he doesn't openly love the way I do. Oh don't get me wrong, he loves me and the kids. He is so amazing given what he grew up with, but he also has that type A personality and was an only child of a single mother. That should explain a lot to you. ha ha. So needless to say its taken some adjustments in my thinking towards him and the way he shows his love, but let me tell you one of the biggest lessons I had to learn was a lesson in reality.

Real life love...
Life isn't a fairy tale. Love isn't like the movies, and you can't expect it to be. Do you realize that what we live through each day here on Earth is a test of our faith to get into Heaven? It isn't meant to be easy and wonderful. Yes there are moments that are. I live a blissful life 90 percent of the time now. But there are times that the 10 percent sneaks in and wow its like I get hit with a semi truck. I swear romance novels, and romantic movies are Satan's way of getting into our heads to mess us up, especially us women. Seriously think about it, you watch some sappy movie, and if it doesn't make you all in love with your man, it makes you wish he was like the man in the movie. In that instant you've already broken a commandment. "Thou shalt not covet another man's wife." Yes I know its fake. Yes I know its a movie. But those feelings are real, and feelings and thoughts are as much a sin as actually doing the sin. Think on that one! I love to read. LOVE it, and I used to read a lot of dark stuff. You know all of those vampire books? Yeah I've read them all. Not just one series. All of them. There was a time in my life that I was so entranced by that stupid stuff that I literally couldn't wait to get the next one. It consumed my thoughts. I wished my husband was like those characters. Not the blood sucking part, but you know what I mean! It was horrible for our marriage. I started resenting him. I hated that he didn't love me like I wanted. I felt neglected and sad. All because the reality in my head was different from the reality in my life. Now God wasn't the center of our marriage at the time and that is the entire problem. We didn't have a great marriage. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't good, and it definitely wasn't strong. It started changing when we brought God into the center of it all. Sometimes things have to get so broken that you can't depend on anything or anyone else but God to fix it. That is where we got, and man it is so much better now. We literally grow closer every day. I love him in this desperate way that is hard to explain, but I had to learn to love him like that. When your personalities are different it is hard to understand how the other person shows their love. It took me a lot of work to figure that out. Just because he doesn't profess his love via facebook and whatever, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Just because he doesn't romance me and sweep me off my feet every night doesn't mean he doesn't love me. What he does to show me those things is the fact that he comes home every night. That he adores our children. When he looks at me from across the room and smiles at me. There are moments he snuggles up to me at night in his sleep. Those are my romance moments. A real man loves you by the way he lives his life, not by how he romances you. Yes I know romance and intimacy are great parts of marriage, but trust me, its not everything. It took me a long time to get to this point, but honestly I can say that I'd take a night curled up with his arms around me over a fancy dinner any time. And you know what the best part is... when I do get that fancy dinner, I feel like a princess. That is my fairy tale moment. When I get those unexpected treats is when I know I'm the queen of his world. Does it happen all the time? Nope. But its OK, because he shows me he loves me in so many ways every day.


How do you love a difficult person?
Man this one is tough. How do you love someone that hurts you? Or maybe someone that just is so darn negative? I have people like that in my life. I have had to learn to love through personalities, attitudes, and self centered thoughts. Seems like I'm surrounded by a lot of "Its ALL about Me" people, but you can live your life very blissful even with those people, and here's how. You love them like Jesus does. Corney I know. I KNOW! But it is the truth. How do you think I get through the times when I spend so much time telling my husband I love him and he "pats me on the head"? I remember all the times God loved me and I said "yeah yeah thanks God, I'll take that forgiveness and be on my way." Makes you think doesn't it....Or how about when you give and give to someone and they don't notice. Again... the cross. Maybe its that you feel alone in a house full of people. Do you forget that God is sitting right there just waiting for you to notice Him? How many times have you hurt God's feelings by neglecting Him today... yesterday... last week? Seriously. All that love we want from others has always been right under our noses. When you think about how hard it is to love that "difficult" person in your life, you remember how easy it is for God to love us regardless of how unworthy we are. We are the hardest thing to love in all of God's creation and yet He loves us the MOST. The MOST! He died for us and we sometimes forget that. He left Heaven to come here because he wanted to be closer to us. He suffered for us. You think you've suffered for love.... HE SUFFERED FOR LOVE. And all He wants is for us to love Him back. So next time you find yourself frustrated with someone, or how they love you, just remember God loves us no matter how undeserving we are. I read a quote the other day that said, "The Bible teaches us that we love Jesus as much as the person we love the least." I hope you find a way to love that person the most today, because we all deserve love, and God is the reason we are worthy of it.

Until the next time, Love your family, Love your God, and love your enemies just as much.

Jessica