Monday, January 24, 2011

Why Change?

The Change...
Almost a year has gone by since I went through the "change." Now I didn't go through menopause at 31, thank goodness, but I did have my entire life flip completely upside down. I didn't have hot flashes or mood swings, but I did cry a lot, had to work extremely hard, and learned that if I wanted to be a better person it was going to hurt like crazy first. I have to say, it was probably the hardest year of my life, but the best at the same time. It's taken me a lot of "revelations" to get to where I am now. I've had to deal with a lot of my old baggage, and I had to learn to look at things in a very different way than I ever had before. I repeated phrases to myself until the ideas stuck. I wrote out things just so I'd memorize them. I talked to myself, my family and friends, and mostly my God. I worked so very hard. But oh my goodness was it ever worth it?! I would NEVER go back to my old way of living. I'd rather die than know that I would have to feel like that again. It's just not an option for me anymore. It's just NOT.

Why tell my story?
I was sitting one day reading this awesome book, that I know at some point I will write about on this blog, and it made me wonder what exactly was my gift to be used by God? He made me artistic, a good cook, a writer, a wife and a mom, loving, kind... really all kinds of things, but I've never had any real direction. I've worked with children, adults, the poor, the rich, and even the crippled and special needs. But nothing has stuck. Nothing has felt right... not until now. I realized one night that my story would help someone else find Him. That is really the main focus of our lives anyways, to love God and lead others to Him. So I decided to start this blog because I know that somewhere, there is someone, that needs to hear what I have to say, and it might be more of an urgent need than to wait until a book was published. I don't know who will read this. Might be one person, it might be a million. I don't know. I just know that God said to write and so I am. I learned a long time ago that everything in your life happens for a reason, and even as I write this, my reasons are forming into a path that God had created for me all along, and I didn't know what it was. I am not completely crazy. I might make you laugh or cry, or maybe both. I'm not scholar. I don't have a PhD or some seminary degree. I'm just an ordinary girl, with an extraordinary God. I promise I don't have all the answers, but what answers I do have... they come from God, and I know that just knowing that will change your life because it sure changed mine.

Love is the Change...
It's truly amazing how differently you look at things when you have a dramatic transformation happen within you. I see colors more vibrantly. I actually stop and smell the flowers more often than I used to, and I treasure the way they smell. I laugh a lot more. I cry a lot less. I actually ENJOY the things I "have" to do now.  I play silly games. I dance, and I sing at the top of my lungs. I'm not afraid. I don't worry as much. And most of  all, I love more deeply than I ever imagined possible. Now let me stop and tell you a little bit about my old self,  I always loved very deeply. I am a passionate person. I love to love. Artistic people tend to be that way you know... but I always held something back, even when I didn't realize it. I was afraid that I'd never be loved as deeply as I was loving the other person, and to me somehow that didn't seem very fair. I felt like no matter how hard I tried, no one would ever love me enough to make me feel good inside. What a huge burden to put on everyone wasn't it? But when I changed myself, I learned that those unrealistic expectations were NEVER going to be fulfilled by ANYONE on this Earth so I needed to stop focusing on that. I had to instead focus on loving what I did have, but I had to love those people and things with everything that was a part of me. Wow, was that hard! Not because I have family and friends that are hard to love, because they are wonderful, but you see when you love like that, you have to give up a lot. You throw away your pride. The expectations have to go out the window, and you have to be unselfish constantly. Its not easy. Trust me, I've cried to God so many times to change my thoughts and help me get rid of the old ways of thinking I've probably given God a headache! But slowly, over time, it got easier. I started letting go. Stopped judging others love of me, and started just loving "the good, the bad, and the ugly" of the most important people in my life. You have to start small, you can't decide to just love everyone all the time. Try one person, then two, and work your way up. The longer you go, the easier it will get, until one day you will find that you even love people you don't know in a way that is pure and honest. It's a pretty cool feeling once you realize this about yourself. You kind of have one of those "go figure" moments. I have those a lot. Funny thing is, once I started loving with everything that I am, I didn't care if they loved me back the same. Which seems a little ironic to me, but why question what works?

Let Go and Let God?
I suffered for a long time trying to be this perfect person that I finally realized I will never be. I am human, I am a woman, and I am flawed. God made me that way on purpose. Why? I still don't know sometimes. But I do know that He loves me regardless. He looks at me like I am the most perfect person in the world. Ironicly, that exact person I was trying to be all along is who He sees when He looks at me. How that works, I'm not exactly sure. But I've learned to just be thankful its that way and move on. :) Before I learned that lesson though, I became a very sad, very stressed, and exhausted person. It's alot of hard work to be something you will never be. You will wear yourself out trying to achieve that goal and you will fail. There is no other option. You will fail. I had gotten to the point where I was at the bottom. I was literally clinging to life with threads of hope, and those thread were unraveling very quickly. I did something I've never done before, I reached out for help. That was the BEST decision I ever made. I met with my Angel (that's what I call her because she saved my life), and my life started over. Angel is not a psychiatrist, or a therapist, she's not even a doctor, she's just a woman that has "been there and done that", and THAT was exactly what I needed. The first thing I learned from Angel was the phrase, "Let Go and Let God." Haha.... what a phrase for a perfectionist to learn?! But I was at the point where I wanted someone to take over. I was too tired to keep fighting it. As I got better and better though, I learned its the hardest of all the lessons. I still struggle with it sometimes.... ok A LOT of times. :) But when I do struggle, every time it gets a little easier to let go. Now, I might worry a second, and then I let it go. I never was like that before, and I'm sure you will find that out, if you keep reading. But this is the first post, and I don't want to give it all away on the first day, so you will have to hang in there for the rest. I can say this though, If you can learn one thing from me, it will be that you have to learn to get out of God's way and let Him do HIS WILL, HIS WAY, IN HIS TIMING. Its really that simple.

Until next time, Love Never Fails, God is the only way, and it will be ok, I promise!
Jessica








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