Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Gift of Empathy...

Spirit of Empathy.... I fought this one for a long time. I am super sensitive to things and people around me. I sense feelings and emotions almost instantaneously when someone enters the room. Been this way my whole life, and I don't like it much. Well... I used to not like it. Lately I've realized that it is a gift that God gave me to be used for His will, not something meant to hurt me. I will try to explain to you what it is like... For instance last night there was a show on TV, one of those FBI detective things where they find the missing person, anyways, the victim was being tortured. They showed enough to make my mind go nuts. I felt sick inside, my heart started aching, and I had a hard time breathing. I had to physically leave the room it got so bad. Yes I know that it was fake, but here's where my mind goes... By showing that on TV, the enemy is putting an idea out there for some sick, twisted, messed up person who is consumed by the devil to take and store for future reference. Where is the mind of the writer of that show? A Godly man or woman wouldn't want to write those things. Do you see where I am going with this?All those shows and movies that depict that kind of stuff is nothing but a tool of the enemy. You aren't of sound nature with God if you enjoy watching things like that. I get so overwhelmed at how PRESENT the devil is in our daily lives at times like this and yes I feel it down into my bones. Now I understand that movies are fake, and books aren't always real. I'm not an idiot, but they are still being used every day and so many people don't even realize it. I am not saying don't read fictional books or watch TV and movies, what I am telling you is this...Be careful what you put into your mind and Guard your heart tightly!

The benefit of being empathetic is that I can relate to and understand others and their pain, suffering, joy, and happiness way beyond what most people can. I can be an instrument of peace if I need to, or a sense of encouragement. Whatever God has in mind for me at the time with that particular person. What I don't have to do is let it get me down. I have had to learn how to block out things that get to me in a harmful way. The enemy has loved using this gift against me for a long time. Used it to get me depressed, upset, angry, and worried. He used it to get into my head and make me think things that just werent true. It is a blessing to feel pain if I need to feel it to grow. It is not a blessing to feel suffering that makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. This is a gift that I am still very much in the learning process with. I am not really sure why God needs me to be able to feel it in my heart and soul when someone suffers. Perhaps it is so I can relate to Jesus more closely. He had to have been empathic. I just can't imagine the God of the universe not being able to feel what we feel. After all that is why He came to earth to save us. He had to experience our life, and die for us anyways because He loved and cared about the destination of our souls.

One thing I can tell you though is that I see people very differently than most. Why?... because I look deep down inside. There are amazing things inside people if you are willing to move the junk out of the way.  Its kind of like those horder shows on TV. Inside that house is a huge mess full of all kinds of things. Sometimes when they get down underneath all the stuff there is a beautiful home left in its place, but at times they dig down and uncover a rotten, disease filled shell of a house that can't be recovered without completely tearing it down and starting over. That is what happens to our souls as well. Problem is when you encounter people that are so consumed with evil that they outwardly show it, then you have a harder task in front of you. That is when it suddenly becomes dangerous because their insides are rotten and destroyed. You have to really rebuild someone in that state.  It takes a lot to dig down and find the good in those people. Sometimes its there, and sometimes its not. The enemy can win people over. There are truly lost people in this world. They become so consumed by the devil that they act out his darkest most horrible plans of revenge on us. The things that hurt my heart the most like torture, abuse, slavery, starvation, pain, suffering... those things are not of God, and people like that will use it to their advantage. What frightens me most is that the end of the ages is going to be filled with people who enjoy doing those things to Christians. What do you think the anti-Christ is going to be like? Take the most evil, horrible, sickened person you can think of, multiply it by ten thousand, and wrap it up in a pretty little package. And I promise you, that doesn't even come close to what the enemy is like.   

I have the save the world mentality. I truly love everyone. I want to save them all. People think I'm crazy, but I can take just about anyone and turn them around if they are willing. Now those that arent... well... No one but God can do anything about them anyways. I just have to remember to stay firm in my convictions, cover myself in prayer, and go where God leads me. I know that no matter how hard it might get, or how desperate someone might seem, that God would never take me to a place He couldn't get me out of. That is where I just have to learn to trust His will. If it takes me to dangerous, not so fun places, filled with the darkness of the enemy, then so be it. As long as I have the Mighiest Lord and Savior of all by my side, I have no fear.

Until next time, guard your heart. Feed your soul with good things from the Word. Love others as God loves you,

Thursday, March 24, 2011


“So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.  What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.  And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:26-28

You know I used to keep a lot of secrets. I hid so much from everyone I knew. How I wasn't eating. How I would throw up when I did. Where I went to cry. Where I hid the things I used to cut myself. I hid how I felt, how bad I was hurting, and how desperate I was for it all to stop. I put on a pretty little mask and acted like my life was perfect. That I was strong and tough and I could take everything that the enemy was throwing at me while inside I was dying. I hid how desperately I wanted my husband to just love me and look at me like I was beautiful. I hid how hard it was to raise children while I was having anxiety attacks. I hid that I wasn't sleeping and how I just didn't really care anymore. I hid all of these things from anyone that was close to me. Everyone that is, but God.

I thought that God didn't care about my secrets. That really what I was going through wasn't important enough for Him to deal with. So I didn't tell Him I needed His help. I figured that I could handle it myself. But I was very wrong. Trust me when you are holding a million secrets inside, your life is harder than you think. Not only are you burdened with the secrets, but you have do deal with what you are hiding as well. And that is exactly where the enemy wants you. I promise you that if he could keep you from freeing yourself of the things you hide, he would because that's how he keeps you with him. I will tell you this though, the Jesus Christ that I serve will take off the gloves once in a while and fight that snake off of us without our asking. There are times when He says enough is enough and He does things to interfere. Now I am not saying God alters free will. He just changes circumstances. You'd be amazed at how one choice, or one left turn instead of a right will change your life. When you are His beloved He will come to your rescue. He will take you and point you in the right direction, even if you don't really think that is the way to go. You might not realize what is happening. You might think that you are hiding things better than you are, but He will uncover things because it is what is good for you.

Remember David? God's beloved David. I can appreciate him so much. This man was nothing more than the perfect definition of polar opposites. He went from murder to foolish abandonment to God. He hid things. He had secrets, but in time God brought those to light. Yes it hurt David. That period in his life was not fun I promise you, but the man that walked out of the smoke and battlefield, was the image that Christ had in mind for him. That is what happens to us in adversity. I know that you might think that life is hard and you just don't want to fight anymore. I have those days too. But I promise you, there are reasons we go through what we do. Reasons we might not like. Reasons we might not understand, but God's Reasons none the less.

I stopped having secrets in my life about a year and a half ago. Now I can't hide anything. Its amazing how God can change you. I really and truly cannot lie. I do not need to. My life is what it is. I get sad. I get anxious and fearful. I have days I don't want to get up out of bed. But then I have days that are beautiful. Days that I don't want to go to sleep because they are so glorious. I have moments I wish I could freeze forever. A lot of the things I had in my life before, but I was too shrouded in darkness to see. The thing that changed in me was my love for my Lord. I trust Him now in ways that I never knew was possible. My life is His. My heart is His. When I get down, I run to HIM. When I'm sad... He is my comfort. When I'm happy He is the one I thank. It is all about how you see things. The way you look at your life can dramatically change the way you live it. I promise you that I am more free today than I ever was. Yes I had to go through some pretty stinky times to get here, but now I wouldn't trade it for anything.

If I could teach you one thing it would be this.... Don't hold onto things that are of this world. This life is so short and we don't belong here. This isn't our home. We aren't meant for this life. We were designed by a loving and amazing God that wanted so much more for us than this. But because of our human nature we have to go through the way things are here to get back to where we belong. The best part about it all though is that you don't have to do it alone. God puts people in your life to help you. All those years I held things inside I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on with me. Now... I talk to a lot of people, and that helps me more than you know. You have to be accountable for yourself when you tell others how you are. You have to deal with the sad if you tell someone you are upset. You have to enjoy the happiness when you share it with another. Same with shame, anger, and anxiousness, if its in the open there are people to share it with you. Whether that helps the burden or makes it different, is all up to who you share it with, but you have a God that loves you so very much and wants you to take advantage of the things He gives you. Even if it is the hardest lessons of your life. I hope that you are growing in Christ as much as I have been. And if you aren't, if you feel stuck or hopeless, maybe God led you here to this page so that you would find comfort and a friendly face. I will help you if I can. I will lead you to a God that can heal all things, and I will pray for you.
If it has to be a secret, it can't be a good thing. Let God free you.
Always loving,

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Christianity needs a makeover!

 I've been afraid to post this blog for a while now because I didn't want to step on toes. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or lose a bunch of followers after today because of what I am about to say, but there comes a time when you write what God tells you to write if you want to keep writing at all. So sit back, put on your seat belts, cause this isn't going to be like "Driving Miss Daisy," its going to be more like a bumper car ride I have a feeling!

Take a look at yourself....
Are you the woman in the bible study that sits in her "assigned spot" and looks down her nose at every new woman that enters the room? Maybe you are the worship leader that only lets your "certain few" be a part of the services because you are afraid of being shown up. Perhaps you are the lady that preaches goodness and love, but is the biggest gossip to come into the deep south in the last century. It could be that you are that woman that on the outside you are all God and prayers, but every time someone comes for advice you treat them as if they are not as "Godly" as you in a secretly condescending way. It could also be that you've become a lazy, hidden in your comfort zone, "I'll only do what is comfortable God" kind of Christian. Whatever it is, it is time to take a long hard look at your walk with the Prince of Glory cause for some of you, its not what He had planned for you at all. 

The "image" of Christ...
I have a major problem with the "Christian" image of late. I can imagine God dislikes hypocrisy as much as I do, but if I were a betting woman I'd probably say He dislikes it way beyond what I understand. God is pure truth and I'm just a poor measly sinner who has no idea what real Godly truth is, so trust me hypocrisy means a very different thing to the God of the Universe than it does to me, but neither opinion is good. I really can't say how God feels about the way so many Christians are living today, but I do know what I see and it isn't pretty. I know what God teaches in the bible, and I have an example in Jesus the perfect Son of God, and believe me what you are doing in some of your churches and groups is so far away from the truth of God that you literally follow that "wolf in sheep's clothing" definition perfectly.  You want to know why people run from churches? Want to know why the drug addict prostitute would rather run into the arms of the devil than God? Because of US! We have started to think that because we are "God's chosen" we are "God's gift" to the world. But we are so dead wrong! God's gift to the world was Jesus Christ. The example of everything we are supposed to be as Christians, but fail so miserably at. I left a church because I felt a calling on my heart from God, but because I wasn't one of the "women's leaders" I didn't have a right to speak my voice. I tried again and again to follow God's leading in that church and time after time pride, arrogance, and being stuck in a rut kept it squashed down. So I stopped going to church. I decided I didn't need it. I had been a christian for 20 years, and I left God because of people. So how do you think that woman who's been the "harlot" or idol worshiper is going to feel in your "holier than thou" presence? I can tell you exactly how she will feel. Ashamed, unloved, and unworthy of God, and YOU will be the reason she feels that way. Cause it sure isn't God that will ever make her feel like that. But friends listen to me very closely, she will NEVER know the love of God without us showing it to her. We have to be Christ for her. We have to love her in spite of the dirt, grime, and filth of her sin. Remember loves, you are no better. You are no more clean and no mightier than her. Jesus Christ carried your sin on His cross just the same as hers. Remember those stripes across His perfect flesh...the  blows that took away your sin were no less painful than the blows He took for her. You might wear prettier clothes, have a "perfect" life, and have more money, but I promise you without God in your life you are just as ugly as you think she is.

Attitudes have to change...
It is time to stop acting like being a Christian makes us better. It is more of a sin to KNOW what you are doing is wrong and keep doing it over and over than to not know at all. You cannot be a half way Christian in this day and age any longer. You have to give it all or just not give at all. God doesn't want just the parts you want to give to Him. He wants every minute detail of you. He knows the very number of hairs on your head and He wants to be in control of every single wind that blows through those strands. God is moving in big ways. He is coming to take His bride home sooner than you think. It is TIME to stop pretending to live a life of faith and start doing it. You want to be used for God? Then stand up for Him. Live for Him. Take a stand and say, "I will no longer live my life as if what Jesus did for me on the cross wasn't good enough." He DIED for you. He suffered. He went through unimaginable pain and separation from His Father for us, and we throw it aside every single time we treat others as if we are better than them. Do not be the man that judged the woman for washing Jesus' feet with her hair. Instead get down on your knees and wash them WITH HER! It is no longer OK to just sit back and live your life the way you are. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Jesus needs us to embrace His life and His word. We are the soldiers readying for the battle against an enemy that wants us to live the way we are now. I've been down that road. I've followed the enemy's wicked manipulations and I will NO longer. Are you with me or do you need to just get out of God's way? Do not let your judgmental attitude, your fears of new ideas, and your close minded ways keep God from doing His work in someone you know. If you are too afraid to be the person God needs you to be then you need to tell Him to work on your heart before you continue down this path any longer.

Our lives impact the future...
My friends it is time to bury ourselves in the Word made flesh. To embrace everything wonderful and Holy about God and LIVE it every single day. We are the leaders of this world as women. We raise the future generations. Just think.... If you are raising sons you are raising soldiers for the General of the mightiest army ever known to the Universe. Don't you want them prepared for battle? Do not let them go into battle with the prince of the earth without their armor. It is YOUR job to prepare them. And if you have daughters, you are raising the next generation of Mothers. The teachers, intercessors, and lovers of the next group of warriors. Take heart in how you live your life. You are teaching them through your actions more than through your words. It is time to be more than what we have been, and it is time to become what God has created us to be!

Until next time, Love is the Change. The Change is You, and God is the Love. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Reverence in a word...

I didn't disappear....
I haven't written in a few days, not because I didn't have something to say, because I always have something to say, but just because I didn't want to say the wrong things. I wasn't lead to write. Today He said, "Sit down and type I'll tell you what I want you to say..." So here I am, typing, listening to music and just waiting. Its funny, I keep going back to this word Holy.

God is Holy
My son asked me the other day what holy meant. I tried to explain it to him this way...

Sometimes there is only one word to fully describe something. Holy is that one word used to describe God. There isn't another word that can truly define Him, and it is the one word you should only use for God. He was like, "oh yeah mom that is why those creatures in heaven just say holy holy holy all the time right?" Yep kiddo you are right. (He does listen to his Momma! Go figure) Of course that just lead to his whole fascination with the book of Revelation. LOL What is it with boys and loving that scary stuff?! I tried to detour from that and lead him into a discussion about the "Holy of Holies" in the old testament. He was quite impressed with that instead so I did good. lol. But this kinda got me to thinking about the word Holy.

Merriam-Webster defines holy as:
exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness.

To me that doesn't describe anything BUT God. Perfect goodness and righteousness... Love that! My God is perfect. Holy...and I don't need to explain it, because my simple human words can't, and to me that is OK.

What is Holy?
You know that moment when you stop for a second and listen to the birds singing? But I mean really listen... You for one brief moment hear all of the tones and pitches of that sound, and if you closed your eyes I bet you could see the music in your head. That is a glimpse at God's holiness. Or maybe when you hear a song and it takes you and rearranges you inside...almost to the point of making you tremble... That is a glimpse of Holy. It could be the moment you feel God's very breath on your face and you don't want to move because you just want Him to stay right there with you, or when you look into the innocence of a baby's face you might for a single minute understand the depth of God's complete holiness. 

Hold on I'm about to get really deep!
Why does it work that way? I think its something that doesn't stick with us for long because that is how God designed us. Not because we don't need to think God is holy, but because we aren't meant to be able to grasp it. If holiness was something we could "figure out" like everything else in this world, I think it would lose its meaning. Crazy as that may sound, I truly think that is part of how God works. There has to be mystery, there has to be things we don't know, so that we will want to learn. Once we as humans have "mastered" something we are quick to get bored with it. I think that is why God doesn't let us fully grasp it, because He doesn't want us to lose interest. So take a minute and think about how holy God is. I don't know about you, but when I do that I get transported to a place I don't understand but I'd stay there forever if I could. Its warm, filled with light, and beautiful beyond measure. There are colors I can't describe, I feel so safe, and there is this sound... its like waves of liquid energy just pouring down and over me like water and its so breathtaking.

(Omg... stop like screeching brakes! that is what that song kept saying to me! EEK! WOWIE I am trembling! lol. Sorry... just kinda drifted off for a moment into my own little world, but you gotta hear this...This morning the song "Washed by the water" by Need to Breathe kept popping into my head, so I kept listening to it over and over... It was like I was sitting in an old southern church. I was singing along and raising my hands, but I kept feelings this awesomeness I couldn't explain, until now. It was holy washing over me. God washing me. TOO COOL! Sorry... if you can't stand acts of randomness then I'm not someone you should talk to lately. Been happening ALL the time. Not that I'm complaining. Its awesome to be this close to God. I seriously wish I knew how to get everyone this hooked on Jesus! Its the best kind of high ever created!)

You gotta listen to this song now and think of that!!!

 But anyways.... back to the!

Simple beauty of a word...
To me there is something just beautiful about the word holy. The way it sounds, and how the word just rolls off your tongue is just so... poetic. Its almost like when you say it you have to close your eyes because it is just reverence in a word. I was going to try to paint what holy was like.... and I couldn't. I couldn't even wrap my head around a concept to paint that would resemble it. The only thing I could come up with was a color... blue. Why? I have no idea. Then it suddenly became a test to me... I'd think of Godly words and I'd come up with ideas I could paint. I could do it for everything like love, peace, hope, faith... all of them, but holy, still just blue. That should tell you something. When an artist can't paint it, and a writer can't describe it, maybe its something we should hold close to our hearts. I love that about God. Its the moments when He shows us how beyond our measure He is that we cling to Him the most. Such a treasure!

Until next time, I love you... Hold tightly to what you feel is scared. Love will find a way.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

When its time....

Fighting my calling...
I have been fighting something for a while... I have tried to kinda sorta follow through with it, but so far it is only kinda sorta working. Why have I done it this way? Because I'm scared of failing. Terrified of looking God in the eyes one day, and having to say, "I couldn't do what you wanted and I'm sorry." Problem is I refuse to live that way anymore. I am strong. I am passionate, and I am beautifully His. That's all the proof I need to succeed. But then there is Satan... with his cunning ways, and manipulative words telling me I won't be able to do it. I'll get laughed at, or worse.... I will fail. I can't accept that for myself. I can't accept that for God.

Can no longer deny it...
It wasn't until last night when I was studying my bible that I realized God was trying to tell me something. Something so simple but yet so amazingly profound. "Its time." For weeks I have been following a certain bible study and reading through a book bit by bit. But this last week every time I study one or the other, it aligns with the other. Verses are the same, teachings are the same, every part of it has been like two paths merging into one, and honestly I couldn't be looking at a bigger sign of God being at work in my life. I mean it is crazy, I will go a few days without reading the book and maybe miss a day studying this certain study, and then when I do... bam it is like I was meant to not study at those times so they would align. God's timing it so perfect and so beautiful! The part that scares me is that now, because He is showing me these things, I know that it is time for me to let go of everything I am afraid of and follow His lead. Which to be honest, terrifies me. You ask for signs and God gives them to you, as if what He has already done in your life wasn't enough, but then you finally get one that just cuts you deeper than others and you start shaking in your boots. Its like the voice of thunder from Heaven, and you finally stop and say, "ok God I get it!"

"Now God has revealed [these things] to us by the Spirit, for the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man that is in him? In the same way, no one knows the thoughts of God except for the Spirit of God. Now we have not recieived the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who [comes] from God so that we may understand what has been freely given to us by God. We also speak these things, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual things to spiritual people."
1 Corinthians 2:9-13

The next step is a tough one....
THAT is the lesson I was taught last night. I have been destined to be a teacher of the Spirit since the day I was born. I've been told to write what the Spirit places on my heart. I've been told to speak what the Spirit leads me to say. I've been told to love with a merciful grace that ONLY the Spirit of the Lord can provide, and through that love great things will come to pass. That through the Spirit of the Most High God a nation will come to season and will bear fruit of righteousness, and I am supposed to do those things. YIKES!!! :) 

"You are lead to be a minister of the Lord. You will lead great nations to Me. Teach what My Spirit leads you dear one. You are the only one made for this task. I believe in you. I need you to do this for ME."

How do you tell God "No" when He says that to you? You can't. If you love Him at all you just can't. Pray for me my friends. I am about to begin a journey that I don't even know where it will lead. This common girl is about to do great things for her King and as much as I'd like to say I'm not scared... I am.

"You are no different than My David, or My Esther. You are no less powerful than the great Moses, for My love you are becoming EXACTLY what I created you for.. You are going to do great things for Me. I am proud of you My Daughter. Just follow My lead child, do not sway from the path. You are strong and sturdy. Believe in the things I teach you, for no one else can show you what I can. Listen carefully for My voice, I am here with you always."

I don't know what else to say right now, other than Its just Time. Every minute thing I've done in my life, from Speaking Competitions, to writing, to art and working in a school, is all coming together. It is so amazing! I just pray with everything that I am that I do God proud. That I follow His instructions to the letter, and bring Him the Glory!

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed Him, "If you continue in My word, you really are My disciples. You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

Until next time, don't hesistate to follow the gentle... or not so gentle nudgings of the Spirit. You are in my heart!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Thankful Love

"Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little, loves little." Luke 7:47

There isn't a story in the bible that I relate to more than this one. I guess it is because of her desperation, her courage, and her utter devotion to Jesus that draws me to her. She is the symbol of all of our brokenness. She is the embodiment of our lives. Yes maybe she was a "bigger sinner" than you or I might be, but what gives us the right to judge her sin? In reality, you and I are no better than her, and if we are truly honest with ourselves, we might be worse. Sin is sin is sin. In God's eyes sin is ANYTHING that separates you from Him. Your pride that won't let you forgive, sin. The lust you have after that hunky guy on the TV screen, sin. The fact that you put your earthly marriage before your love of God, sin. It doesn't matter if you are a murderer, or an everyday girl like me. YOU are a sinner and fall short of the glory of God.

I'm that girl...
Now those of us with pretty lengthy lists tend to carry with us this burden of guilt and shame that is so heavy. It feels as if the world is staring down at us and pressing with all its might. I imagine that is exactly what she felt like the moment before she was at Jesus' feet. She probably was at the rock bottom. She couldn't bare it anymore, and there was her Savior in the very room she was about to enter. Can you imagine how she felt? I bet it took everything she had not to drop that alabaster bottle she carried gently in her hands. She was no doubtingly trembling. I imagine she hadn't slept, or eaten. She was tattered, torn, and weary. I wonder what she felt when she touched Jesus for the first time? Did she instantly burst into tears like I know I would have? Or did she hold her composure at least until He acknowledged her? I can only say that I know what I would have felt. I would have been in shambles the moment I saw Him and knew who He was. I can imagine that it was that very same feeling I had when I finally surrendered to him. You know the feeling, the huge breath you take after that unbearable weight was taken from your shoulders. I can guarantee that all I would want to do was love on Him. When started sobbing it was the release of something that had bound her to this Earth for so long. The love she showed to Jesus by washing His feet was her thankfulness. I would have loved to had the "story behind the story." Did she finally sleep through the night for the first time in years? Did food taste better? Did she walk with her head held a little higher that day? I wonder how long it was before she washed her hair after that event? It would have been very hard for me to have done that. I would have wanted to keep that scent around me forever. I guess as a woman I relish in those things. Just to know that my hair had touched the King of Heaven.... ahhh! what a glorious thought!  Just to breathe in Jesus for a moment!

Through the eyes of Our Savior...
Can you imagine how Jesus must have felt when He saw her enter the room. I wonder if He thought she was beautiful? I'm sure He did. He thinks that of all of His brides. You know that we are never more beautiful to Him than when we finally surrender it all? So when you are ragged, worn down, with your hair a mess, and no make up and you finally say, "I give in! You can have me Lord," that is when you are the most gorgeous! But you know, I bet as much as she felt loved that day, He probably felt that love as well. He had to have seen it in her face. He is God in the flesh. I wish I could know if it was pleasing to Him to see her and know what she was facing to ask His forgiveness. I am curious if this was a moment during His time on this Earth that He did relish in the scent of being loved back. Because after all, that is all He wants from us. For us to love and worship Him. I can't think of a better, more holy way of worshiping the Lord than washing His feet with your own tears of love. You know, ssometimes what we say in our darkest desperation is the sweetest to His ears. Our sobs are like music of a thousand Heavenly harps. Yes the praise is wonderful and mighty, but the honest, heartfelt pleas of forgiveness are so precious to Him. It validates what He did on the cross. It makes it worth it to Him. It proves to Him that it wasn't in vain, and I bet what she did for Him that day was give Him courage to face what He was going to face one day. That is so beautiful.

If it is a secret... it can't be good.
I know that there is more to this story than just what she went through, but to me it doesn't matter. You see, I am that woman, and that is the lesson I need. Maybe you are the old guy in the corner that criticized Jesus for even letting her touch Him. And if you are, then maybe one day, you will realize that you are no better than her. Your sins aren't cleaner, or prettier. You can't buy them away, or hide them under the covers thinking no one knows. Your secrets are your chains. Her secrets are her freedom. Why? because she let Jesus take them from her. I know people like that. High and mighty.... Think they are all that. Their sins aren't as bad as mine, and they are better people than me. You know what.... I don't get angry at them for thinking that. I used to. But now I feel sorry for them. Because you see, I have something they don't. Freedom. I don't have to live worrying about that stuff "coming out" anymore. I admitted my wrongs. I paid my dues. I asked for forgiveness for my sins. I don't have to live like that guy does... constantly worrying when someone might find out the truth, and what will he do when that happens? Cause it might not happen on this earth, but it will happen standing in front of God, and personally, I'd rather be forgiven now, than ever hear, "That one isn't mine, " in Heaven.

The beauty in it all...
I am an artist by nature, so I find the beauty in imagery. I love to stop and picture this scene in my mind. It is one of the most beautiful things I can imagine. It is a pure image of love and devotion, of kindness, and peace. I love my Lord Jesus so! He is amazingly perfect, and wonderfully beautiful. I treasure my moments with Him. I wish I could convert what is in my mind to canvas better than I do, but in reality even if I was the most gifted artist, you still wouldn't be able to compare it to what I see inside my thoughts. I can't describe it. Maybe it is because within the pictures, and faces, is the love. I see love in colors and movements. Breaths of air, and gentleness. The kindness in His eyes, the pain in hers. Love has so many facets, so many dimensions. It is a no wonder we find it so difficult to capture in art. I truly wish I could though, because maybe more people would see the graciousness of the King of Kings if I could!

Until next time, Read through that old story.
Enjoy it, relish in it and keep it close to your heart.
You are a beautiful gift to God. Never take that for granted!

Always praying for you,
even if I don't know who you are....

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I'm Starving....

I'm Starving....
I don't know how else to explain it. I can't get enough of God. It's like this thing has taken me over, and I just thirst and hunger for His will and His word. I read chapter after chapter. I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to read the bible. I'm not tired. My heart is bursting with love. I hear songs and fall into tears. I get chills all over the place over a verse. I am more alive than I have ever been, and all I can think of is that its because I surrendered everything to Him. Man why did I not do this sooner! WOW!

I wish I had the words.... and for me.... that's HUGE.... I never don't have the words.....
This is amazing. I am in LOVE with this feeling. Its better than anything in this world. There isn't a human interaction that could possibly compare to this. There isn't a drug or drink that would ever induce this high. It is so Godly! Praise God. Oh He is so perfect and beautiful. I adore Him in so many ways! It is completely the most beautiful moments of my life. I cannot wait to see where I go from here. God is going to do big things!!! Just giddy! I know EXACTLY how David must have felt! Sooooo AMAZING!

Heard this song and it sums up exactly how I feel.... Hope you enjoy it! 

Until I can calm down enough to write again....
Love God, find peace, It is SOOO amazing!~

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Love changes you...

Growing in love...
My love and ability to love has grown so much over the last year and continues to grow each day. I would love to say that it is because of my own hard work or ability to love beyond my means, but that is totally 100% a lie. I am able to be the person I am, and love the way I do, because I have let the love of God guide me. I have had to give up my old ways of thinking, and shed that skin of self-righteousness that I so proudly wore for so long. Actually I had it ripped from me piece by painful piece but, regardless it is no longer there, and what was underneath was a butterfly more beautiful than I ever imagined. That is what I call my moments of growth... butterfly moments. You know those times when a butterfly actually flits and floats until it gently lands on your shoulder and you hold your breath afraid to move because it is so amazing to watch? That is what each moment of understanding has become to me. It is like I don't want to move. I don't want to breathe or think another thought than what I feel at that moment. I don't want Jesus to move away or leave my thoughts. I just want to be still and watch. I love those moments more than anything these days. I cherish it beyond anything this earth can give me. Yesterday I had one of those moments after reading a simple verse. "When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, 'Don't cry'." Luke 7:13. Can you imagine having Him looking into your eyes and saying that to you in your moment of greatest desperation? Just takes my breath away to think about that because I've had it happen to me.

The purest love imaginable...
I wanted to die. I was alone and scared. I didn't want to feel anymore pain or loneliness. I just wanted it to stop. As I sat there with bottles of pills in front of me I just went numb. I started taking handful after handful until something made me stop. I'm not sure if it was that I couldn't swallow because I was sobbing, or that I suddenly knew God was there, but something made me stop. I remember closing my eyes and taking a deep breath and then I heard it and saw it. There were these eyes in my mind all of the sudden. They were eyes I had never seen before. They were the color of the most beautiful ocean combined with the brightest blue sky on the perfect Spring day. They were gentle. They were kind, and they had tears in them welling up. I remember not being able to breathe for a minute, and then I heard a sentence that I will never forget as long as I live. "Please stop." It wasn't a command. It wasn't an order from a high and powerful being. It was a plead from someone desperate. I will never ever forget the way it sounded. To this day it brings tears to my eyes to know I hurt Him so much by even thinking about that. Makes me want to fall at His feet on my face and beg forgiveness. But I know that isn't what He wants. He wants me to love with that kind of desperate love. To look at those I come in contact with and just simply say, "Please stop. There is a better way. Let me show you."

My Jesus... My love...
I am madly deeply and passionately in love with Jesus. He is my everything. I wake up lately just eager to spend time with Him. I go to bed now, and I'm not sad if I'm alone because that just means I get to curl up with Him and pray myself to sleep. I love my moments with Him when I can hear His laughter in my mind. When I know He is sitting next to me breathing me in like I'm the most amazing flower in Heaven. I love the fact that when I do something great for His Kingdom, no matter how small, He is smiling at me. He is so perfectly wonderful to me, that I could go on for hours about Him. He is my hero. My Knight in shining armor. He saved my life. He died for me. No one here on Earth has done that. I'm not sure, short of my Daddy, if there is anyone who would really truly do that for me. That in itself is enough to love Him more. But then when I think about how amazingly wonderful He is aside from that I still want to love Him. I mean He was a King that gave up everything for me. He was a God that came to Earth to learn what it was like to be me so He could understand. He is a spirit that chooses to dwell within me every moment of my life. I am so very lucky to have Him, and I thank Him every single day.

Heavenly Love...
When I sit and think about what it is going to be like the first time I look into His eyes and touch His face I just want to cry. I cannot wait. I want to sing to Him and praise Him. I want to see His smile and hear His laughter. I want to know all the wonderful things He wants to share with me. I literally live for the moment I close my eyes here on Earth and open them in Heaven. I want to prove to Him that I will not ever take for granted the sacrifice He made for me.  I owe Him such a huge debt. I want to live my life in a way that will make Him glad that He calls me His. I just want Him to be happy with me. I will treasure the moment He takes me into His loving arms and says, "You did great baby. I'm so proud of you."  Don't you just LOVE the thought of that!

No expectations in love....
It is truly amazing how deeply you can feel for someone when you don't expect anything in return. It is at the moments when you do expect things that you are gravely disappointed. You chain yourself  to the reality of this world when you love like that. Do not limit yourself by putting earthly boundaries on your Heavenly tasks. Love without expectation is the way to love through the Holy Spirit, and that is an experience all its own. I promise you that if you spend one week... just one week, loving one person the way that Jesus loves you, that you will change. Give of yourself and just be happy you can give. Love all of them, the good the bad the ugly, especially love the ugly. Trust me.... we are so beyond ugly inside without Christ in our hearts. Don't give up on someone just because they don't know any better. All of the pain in my life was caused by people who just didn't know. They did what they thought was best for them at the time. Was it always a great choice? Absolutely not! But it was all they knew, and I cannot blame them for that. Just like Jesus looks at sinners without the information about becoming Christians, He just says,"I love you even though you don't know." Next time someone hurts you... for whatever reason it is, try loving them in spite of it. I'm not saying don't feel the hurt. What I'm saying is take what they did, and accept it for what it is. A reflection of what they don't know how to deal with.  Then find 3 things you love about them instead. It takes a little practice, but I promise it is so worth it. You will change, and the dynamic of that relationship will take a dramatic turn.

How I love...
I am not better than the people I love. I don't have it all together, and I certainly don't deserve the mercy and love God shows me. I have changed so much over the last year that I hardly recognize myself. I don't think the same way I used to. I forgive with an open heart. I give of myself to the point of exhaustion, only to crawl to the fountain of the Most High to refill myself, and I honestly wouldn't change it one bit. I want to be that person that crawls into Heaven, used up, battered, torn, and weary. I want to be so devoted to others that I lose myself in Christ. I get to be that person every day because Jesus died for me. I can't thank Him enough for that gift! I get to suffer and learn because of that grace. I am privileged to go through trials and tribulations on this Earth so that I can be more like Him. I am thankful for the moments I falter and need to be reminded who I belong to. I praise Him for the times when life is hard and I have nothing to cling to but Him. I love my relationship with God. I walk in awe of His beauty and glory every day, no matter how bad I hurt, how happy I am, or how much I just want to go Home. That is what love is like. That is the place you get to when you know that you finally "get it." That is how you live when love has changed you. 

Until next time, I love you. I am here if you need me. Love will NEVER FAIL YOU!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Friends of Change...

Friendships are hard to come by....
You know I am a pretty easy person to get along with. I am quiet, laid back, and very loving. I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed me to. I'm fun, for the most part, a little reserved, but fun. I like to cook, love to listen to music, and I am extremely artistic. So why is it that I don't have a lot of girlfriends? Well for one thing, I am shy, but not shy. I know that doesn't make sense, but basically I am outgoing once I trust you, but at first, I'm very nervous about what I say, how I act, or what I do around a new person. So with that said, it narrowed out a lot of people for me growing up and still does as an adult. I am kinda picky about who I'm friends with lately, and if you keep reading you will quickly understand why. Another thing is... if I become your friend, and I trust you, I love you with all that I am. If you hurt me then its hard for me to ever trust you like that again. Not to say that I won't, but its just kinda hard. Family I need. God I need. But friends I don't have to have. But even those two things aren't the main reason I don't have tons of friends. I guess the biggest thing that kept me from even wanting to make a bunch of friends, is that I don't like fake people. The way I see it, if you are my friend I like you for you so just be who you are. Don't tell me your life is better than great if its not. Don't tell me you have this amazing walk with God if you don't. Don't be jealous of me because of how I look or how my family is... Its not my fault God decided to make me tall, blonde, and with what some say is a beautiful face, and a beautiful family. Underneath this outside is a person and that person just wants to be accepted for who she is. I have lost more friends because of that last thing. I have walked away from a church because it was filled with a bunch of hypocritical fake women who thought they were better, smarter, and more intune with God than I was. Problem was, all I wanted was a chance to serve my Lord, but they were insistant upon putting me down because I just might have done it better. Not to say that I would have, but you never know. God works differently when your heart is in the right place, but that is a whole other topic. LOL. I don't really know why, but I guess people get scared of a young woman that knows a lot about God, is very talented in a bunch of things, and is pretty. Oh yeah... and can sing. Why that changes things I don't know, but it does for some freakish reason. lol Maybe its the whole package thing, so to speak... Why women are like that I don't know? But they are, and excuse my terminology but it sucks. I guess I don't understand why you would ever want to be that way because I'm so not like that at all. I just want to love you the person. But in all of this, life has taught me a few lessons over the last year, and one is that I don't NEED friends.

Women are afraid....
Ninety percent of women are living in fear of something. The other 10 percent just are either too old to be afraid or too young. We have this inate need to be something. I think it has to do with the whole Adam and Eve thing. She woke up and the first person she saw was Adam. After she was cursed because of the apple incident, she was destined to live her life needing to please him. So much of what we do as women is directed towards pleasing men. Sad to say but it is. Don't deny it, because its the truth. We live our lives trying to be thinner, prettier, and smarter so that we can find a mate, or keep one. This in turn affects our relationships with women wether we realize it or not. If I have to worry about what a woman might look like to my husband, its an issue. If she is the type that needs affermation about who she is, you bet she will seek it from him regardless of how devoted he is. If I am trying to move up in the world, nine times out of ten its a man that I am going to have to impress. So you bet I am going to make sure every woman in my path doesn't look at good as me because I want that job. That's the way this world thinks these days. It's so sad, but that's the truth. Same thing with everything else. We seek approval wether its at church, in the choir, or at home. We live in fear of being failures in life. So yes we are in constant competition with one another for pecking order and that makes finding women to be true friends with very difficult. Not impossible though...

Friendships can be dangerous to relationships...
I made the decision last year that no one and nothing would come between my 3 important things: God, My Marriage, and My children.  That includes friends. Do you have a friend that no matter what you say about your spouse she agrees with you? Do you use her as a sounding board to badger your husband so you feel better about yourself? You may not want to hear this, but she's not a good friend to you. I have a friend like that. I could go and talk so much smack about my husband and she would just say, "Yes he is such a jerk." Not in those words, but you know what I mean. I'd leave that lunch date feeling worse than I did before I got there. I learned really quickly that she was like poison to my marriage and ultimately to me. I'd cut her out of my life completely if I hadn't been friends with her my entire life. So I had to make the decision not to talk to her about my husband. I have another friend for that. She is the type of person that when I  talk to her about him, she makes me love him more by the time the conversation is over. That is the kind of friend you need more of  in your life. I also used to be friends with a woman that used me. She knew that I loved her like my sister, and so she would dump all of her problems on me. She took advantage of the kind of person I was and would ask me to do things I shouldn't have had to do for her. I had to cut her out of my life because I was getting so bogged down and depressed carrying the weight of her stuff, that it was starting to harm me. On the other hand, I have this friend that no matter how hard I try to help her see the positive side of life, she doesn't. It doesn't matter what I say, she can come up with something else to knock it down, or if she is tired of hearing it, she will just leave or get off the phone. So what do you do with a friend like that? I have learned that with her, I am just there for her. I try to be encouraging, supportive, and non-judgemental. I offer loving advice, and just am there to help her if I can. I don't go out of my way to help her, and I don't take it personally that she doesn't "get it." I can't make her get it until she's ready. There will come a time when she is, and I will be there to help her when that day comes but until then I just keep my distance.

Do I want friends....
Absolutely! But I want strong Christian women to surround myself with. I don't want or need friends that are not on the same path as me. I need women that will love and support me in my life. Who will lift me up, laugh with me, and pray for me. I want friends that I can sit in the car and sing praises to our King and not feel silly about it. I want a sister in Christ who loves me as much as I love them. Friendships like these are like marriages. You have to put the time, love, and effort into them. You can't just expect them to grow on their own. Its amazing how I have begun to make friends with women like that since I quit trying so hard. Not tons, but there are a few and I know there will be more. God gives us others on our path to help us grow and become more like Him if you are willing and patient. The one bit of advice I can give you on friendships is this, if you have friends in your life that don't reflect a strong loving walk with the Lord...then maybe you need to change the dynamic of that relationship before it changes you.

Until next time, Love the ones God gives you, Pray often, and enjoy the day.