Thursday, July 21, 2011

Less like Martha and More like Mary

Finding a balance in the life of a woman...

The Holy Spirit woke me up with a vengence today. I was in a horrible mood. I swear the enemy had attacked my mind the entire time I was asleep. But I kept pushing forward because I know that usually out of these moments comes a great and beautiful lesson. Of course then again... it can also be painful and hard to swallow.

So are you Mary or Martha?
I do several different bible studies at one time. From day to day I wait for the Lord to lead me to which ever one I need to read and go with that. Today I picked up one that I haven't done in a while. The lesson was on Jesus visiting Mary and Martha. (Luke 10:38-42). Did you know that the enemy can use your servant's heart to keep you too busy for Jesus? Yes Ma'am he sure can. You see I'm a servant to the enth degree. I love taking care of and cooking for others. But lately that sertitude has kinda gotten in my head. Its almost become a poison. Either I'm so consumed with making everything perfect, or I'm so angry because I never get anything in return. One way or another, its not good. I have made it a huge point in my life to make sure that my husband knows he's loved. I spend a great deal of energy taking care of my children. I also do whatever it might be for my friends and family. There for a while I was very blissful and I couldn't quite figure out what had changed. That is... until today.

Lately I haven't taken as much time out for the Lord as I used to. I don't have fun and play. I sit and pray and worry. I do way too much, and really accomplish nothing in the process.  I get angry when I make plans and they fall through. I feel sad and frustrated when I ask for something and it doesnt get done. I go to bed feeling neglected and hurt. Its not the way to live and it was eating me alive. I looked back over the months and realized that when a few things changed in my life I started letting go of God. Makes me sad to think that the enemy is that sneaky and coniving. But he is. No I hadn't done anything morally wrong, but I had gotten so busy in my life that I neglected my spirit. That isn't something you can do and continue to live a happy and blessed life.

So how do I make time to be Mary and Martha, without the bad feelings and guilt that the enemy will try to force on me. How do I live my life as a praise to the King, and do the things I am meant to do as a wife and mother? How do I use my time during the day to prepare myself for the time in the evenings I will have? Its so hard to do... or is it really?

Where is your time really spent?
God asked me this question loud and clear today. I didn't like my answer at all. I spend probably who knows how much time worrying about stuff every day. Stuff that I have given over to God. Things that I am supposed to be having faith in. So in all honesty I spend a lot of my day in sin. Because truth be told when you give your cares to the Lord and you take then back, you are doubting Him and His power over them. That is just as much a sin as anything. You are placing your own desires and need to control things over the Lord. Holy smokes. Seriously?!  ugh... I'm not feeling any better at this point.

But then Jesus Steps in...
So Jesus stands there and smiles at me and says, " Jess maybe you need to take a step back. Rethink what you are doing with the time in your days. Make time to talk to ME about the things that are on your mind, and then let it go. Maybe you need to remember that I am always with you, and that I see everything that you do. Don't you realize that everything you do is for Me? You used to know that. What happened to you?" Of course I answered back, "You KNOW what happened to me." And with a laugh He touched my cheek, and said, "I know, and I'm taking care of it." That was it, I lost it. I was so ashamed that I had let everything consume me so much that I doubted the Man of my Dreams. My sweet Jesus. I'm so... ugh. You have to understand... I have a different relationship with Jesus than most. Or maybe I just have a gift of being able to see Him in my mind as He talks to me. He is my everything. I mean my everything. I would rather die than disappoint Him. And I know that wasn't the point, but it still made me sad that I had done that to Him.

Whats amazing is that everytime I stop and have a conversation with Him, things come into light. But this is hard stuff. So much of it is easier said than done. And really all it did was make me feel really guilty that I haven't spent more time with Him and doubted that He was taking care of things. I have become horribly guilty of wasting time. Precious time with my Lord. How terrible is that?! Yes my kids need clean clothes and dinner, but did I really need to spend that long being upset about the fact that the romantic evening I planned was ruined by an unexpected dinner invitation?  Why did I sit there and get upset about things when I could have opened that book on the table next to me and spent a quiet moment with God? I can't let that stuff get to me so much anymore. This life is so much about being fruitful to God's will rather than making sure we take care of the garden around us. I have to get back to being more like Mary. Not exactly an easy process, but I have to do it.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit just is there to kind of put us in a time out. To straighten our spirits, and give us the attitude adjustment we need. Thank God that He loves me regardless of what I do. I hope that you know if the Lord takes the time to straighten you out, it means that He has you on His heart, and wants the best out of you!

"If Satan can't make you bad, he will make you busy. Don't let him distract you from the Lord."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Human Mind vs. Spiritual Heart...

You THINK you know how you'd react....

You know you really don't know how you would handle a situation until you are in the situation yourself. You can stand on the outside and say, "I would do this, I would say that," but until you are there, you don't really have a clue.

Something kinda personal...
I am dealing with some emotions and feelings about a few things in my life right now. I battle my human mind and my spiritual heart constantly about these issues. The thing is its something I can't even control. I can't change it. I can't make it stop. Well I could in a sense, but that isn't what God wants me to do. So I sit and wait with my mouth shut. And that isn't easy.

Its hard when you know something you don't want to know. Its even harder when you can't say anything about it, you can't get an appology, and you can't even ask why. Your response might very well match others, but what if God told you not to be that way? Yes I'd love to scream and throw a fit. I'd love to rant and ask why. That is my human mind.  I cried to God last night for some relief from the torment I'm in because of what I know. It sucks. Its not fun. It isn't something anyone would want to go through. Trust me. That is my spiritual heart.

What my Human Mind would say....

"How dare you do this to me after all I have done for you..."
What My Spiritual Heart would say...
You know all I want is for it to stop. Please. Just let me be enough. I don't want an explaination, or an answer. I just want you to say you are sorry and we move on. I want you to go through the valley so you can become what I know God has planned for you. I want to be able to find confidence in the person I see in you at times. I know that being patient is the way to be. I know God is working in His timing, but its hard on me. I have over looked so many things. I have gone through so much pain and heartache, but it would all be worth it if you would just be who you said you would be 2 years ago. That is all I have ever wanted. I won't lie, it hurts me that I am not worth staying on the right path for. It kills me that I had to watch all the things I wanted in you for so long slip away as I got stronger. Seems kind of ironic. The closer to God I got, the farther from God you became. I don't understand it. And I don't have to, I just want you back. There are moments I get glimpses of that side of you and I want to hold onto it so tightly I can't breathe. I don't want to move because I'm afraid it will go away. That isn't a way to live. But right now its what I cling to because when I see it, I know its still there. It gives me a ray of hope. God told me to wait on my miracle. That I am supposed to edure this with you. I am supposed to be the image of God for you in our daily lives. I just want you to realize that its hard on me. I struggle. I don't want to. I try to have enough faith for both of us, but sometimes I fail miserably. Just when I think I can't take anymore I get a whisper of hope. That is what keeps me holding on. I know God has great plans for you... and for us. I just wish you saw what I see. I love you so beyond what you know. I have prayed and talked to God for you so many times. I have stood in the gap and fought the devil off for you. I do it every day. I just wish... Wait... I believe that one day it will be worth it. I claim in in Jesus' name that you will be who I need you to be one day. God is working. I know it. I feel it. I believe it! As I sit here and cry for you right now I know in my heart that staying is what I'm supposed to do. I am in no way like Jesus, I am not a saint for what I go through, but I have to remind myself that he reaches out over and over, he doesn't give up no matter what we do, and he loves us through the worst things imaginable. If I am to be like Him I can't give in to the devil's torment now. I have to keep fighting. I am not better than you... I just want to help you. Thats all...

Some people can say that you get what you deserve. Maybe so. Maybe Karma is a b*tch like they say. Maybe justice comes in what you harvest. But I know that I don't deserve this. Maybe in the past I did, but not now. I think that is what tears me up the most. During the time of my life that I have been the most devoted, the strongest, the most loving, and I don't get it in return. Kinda doesn't make sense. But you know this time here on earth is so short and God works in mysterious ways. This life really doesn't matter in comparison to what eternity will bring. Its God's place to judge and lead is to what He knows we need.  The reality is that I'm not here to be in love and have the perfect marriage or the perfect life, I am here to help God reach people. Plain and simple. I am here to share God's love. To be God's love. To live out God's love. When I look at that side of things.... it all kind of gets put into perspective. Everything that I have gone through in my life, all the hurt and pain... its just revealing a new me. Its kind of like a burn victim... You have to get the burned flesh off... the sin and the human nature... it hurts and there is no other way to do it but in pain, but every time you scrape off the bad stuff, new beautiful skin emerges. Every time I learn to cling more tightly to God, every time I have to bury my burdens in Him, every time He has to be my strength, I get stronger and more beautiful in God's eyes. As much as I want to be everything to my family and friends, His eyes are all that matter.

I hope that if you are suffering you know that God is there to comfort you. All you have to do is ask and He will provide relief. I praise God for His mercy and Love. Without it I would be nothing.I wouldn't be who I am.


Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Christian “Club” Mentality

John responded, 'Master, we saw someone driving out demons in Your name, and we tried to stop him because he does not follow us.'
'Don't stop him,' Jesus told him, 'because whoever is not against you is for you.'”
Luke 9:49-50

I want you to take a walk with me down a dusty old road. Our dirty sandals trudge past many a scraggly bush and rock along the way. There are birds singing, and the wind is blowing a hot breeze across our faces. The weight of heavy robes and head covers is so great compared to our modern day comfort in clothing. We are following closely behind a man who is singing praises to our King as he walks. He is from a town several miles away, but has felt the tug of God upon his heart to go into this city. He is silently praying in his heart with each step, “God let your will be done.” With each hum of his song he is praising God for his mightiness. This man is not a priest, or even a disciple, he is just a man of God. There is nothing particularly special about him, that is except for his faith. He slowly approaches the town and heads straight to the slums of the city. The darkest alleys and the deepest sin is awaiting him around every corner, and there he finds them. Two men stand in the corner, naked and driving their fists into the dirt talking in a form of gibberish never to be understood by man. This gentleman walks up to these men and says, “I command you in the name of Jesus Christ my Savior, by the power of His blood to leave these men! Jesus you are mighty and your blood has covered our sins. Please by the faith I have in You cast out these demons at once!” The demons inside writhe agony and scream out for mercy. He repeats his command again and again until the spirits are gone from these two tattered souls. They look at this man with clear, unblemished eyes, and thank him over and over again. The man says nothing but this, “Give all the praise you want to give me to my Father in Heaven. For it is through His power that you are clean once again.” As he walked away from these grateful men, he was suddenly stopped by John and a few other disciples. They had been standing at the end of the alley watching this man in astonishment, but not because of the power of his faith, because he wasn't one of them. This infuriated the disciples, and they quickly chastised the man for driving out demons in Jesus' name. “Who named you a disciple of the Lord and gave you the authority to cast out demons? You were not given the right to use that power as you see fit. We will not stand for that type of display any longer because you are not one of us!”

How did HE feel?
Now let's stop right here for a minute. Do you wonder what the man felt like when the disciples told him these things? I wonder if he was hurt and upset, or perhaps he was so strong in his faith that it really didn't matter what they said to him. The thing is though, here is a man who has enough faith in God to actually be able to cast out demons, and yet he is being told he isn't allowed to do so because he isn't “part of a group.” How many times these days do we miss out on great ministers of God's will because of this exact thing? How many wonderful Christian musicians do not take another step further into the ministry because someone higher up made them feel as if they didn't have the right to share their gift? I have felt this way so many times over the years. I understand the hurt that this man probably felt. I believe that from the moment I was created I was destined for something great in the Lord's eyes. The more I write this book, and the more I get into the Word of God, the more that I know that to be true, but trust me friends, it hasn't come without many issues with people who thought they “knew the Lord better” than I did.

We do it all the time...What angers me the most is that I see it in churches, social groups, bible studies and worship teams all of the time. I see it in programs and benefits to raise money for the Kingdom's work. That attitude that if you don't have a seminary degree, or you aren't a vested member of a church, or part of a particular group you aren't allowed to have the Grace of God in your life is so troubling to me that I cannot stand back and not say anything about it. What gives anyone the right to say, “Yes you can be a saved sinner, but you can't share your story, and you sure can't be up in front of anyone because you just aren't qualified in our eyes.” Well excuse me, but I think that is exactly the people we need up in front of our churches. What better way to prove that our God is amazing and merciful, then to have an uneducated, ex-drug addict, prostitute singing the praises of our King? Because trust me honey, if that woman is saved, then God can do mighty things with anyone.

We all struggle!
I get so tired of listening to people who are fake in their walk talk about how wonderful their lives are while I struggle. I am sorry, but no matter how strong your faith is and how much you love our God, you are going to have bad days. You are human. It happens. Let me know about it ,and I will be more likely to listen to you when you have good things to say because I know I can relate to you. I am beyond frustrated with the image that non-believers have of the church of God because of the high and mighty, dressed to the nines, Sunday pew squatters who think that they are better than the flat on his face ex-con who is praising God with his tears. Enough is enough. It is time to just join forces and be one as God's followers. Jesus did not gravitate to the wealthy and educated. He found the beggars, the poor, and the filthy, and that is where He was most comfortable. Why is it that we, as His Children, are not the same? Why do we think that we have the right to judge others for their status when God himself didn't do that while He was here on Earth? It is embarrassing to me to hear the gossip among women groups in church. To see how new comers are treated because they are not as well versed in the bible as the ones that have lead the groups for years. Get off your pretty little behind and dig into that bible with that young lady! Who knows who she might become one day if you take the chance on her! Every single minister in the world today had to be given a chance, and I guarantee you that the strongest ones came from the most humble of situations. Why? Because that is where God's grace is the most evident.

Our lives may be different, but our sin isn't...
Remember that you are no better than the dirty, loud, and uneducated woman sitting on the street corner begging for change. Her sins are no greater than yours. Her faults didn't nail Jesus to that tree any harder than yours did. Her praises sound sweeter to Jesus' ears because she honestly means it with all of her heart no matter what her situation might be. So do not hold down someone that comes to the Lord in honesty and wants to serve, because our fight is great. There is an enemy against us that is strong, and we need all the muscle we can get. Plus, and if this doesn't get you, not much will, but I do not ever want to be standing in front of Jesus on judgment day and hear Him say, “Jessica do you realize that because of how you treated so and so, they didn't not follow the plan I had set out for them, and because of that 1,000 people that they would have lead to Me will not step into Heaven?” Do you want to answer that question? I sure don't.

Until next time, remember that the things that sting the most, are the things that God wants to use to shape you into something GREAT!
Always, Jessica

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Easter... From a Mom's point of view

I woke up last night about 1:00 AM, and I couldn't go back to sleep. It was one of those moments in my life when the Lord was pressing on my heart with so much force I couldn't resist it. There was a message that He wanted me to receive write it in my own words. The problem with a message like this is that it isn't the most pleasant thing in the world so I really didn't want to be sitting at my computer at 1:00 AM crying my eyes out. I think I also needed to think things through in a way that I'd actually be able to GET through writing this. I have told you before that I have a hard time with torture. I don't handle anyone being in pain very well. So to retell the story of Christ's crucifixion through the eyes of His Mother was going to be hard on me, but a journey I needed to take apparently. You see I love my Jesus in a way that is beyond loving your Savior. He is my life, my friend, my hope and love. I don't even like to think about Him being hurt much less me being the reason He was hurt. It is so hard for me to imagine the details of his death at all. I've avoided it with so much passion that I think I've missed out on something I need to feel to cling even more tightly to Him in the future.

A Mother's bond...There isn't a mother on the face of this earth that would ever want their child to die before they do. There is a bond that is created the moment you feel that baby kick inside you for the first time that no one on this planet with ever have with that baby but you. I've been a Mommy 3 times, and my children were never really "real" to me until that moment that I felt that little flutter inside. Its at that second in your life that you realize that everything about you isn't about you any longer. You change from that very instant, or at least I did. What I ate wasn't about me any longer, how I felt, whether I was happy or sad, or sleepy all revolved around that little baby inside me. I can imagine that was how it was for Mary when she was pregnant with Jesus as well. She no doubtingly felt the same way that we all do as a Momma. She probably had the same little quiet moments where she placed her hand on her tummy and talked to him. She more than likely sang to him while she worked around the house, and wished he would stop kicking her so hard when he got too big for the space he was in. I am sure that the day he was born she looked into those eyes and just was so in love with him. As a toddler, I bet he was a stinker at times, and a saint the others. She probably kissed his boo-boos and ran her fingers through his hair while he slept. As he got older I'm sure there were times she looked at him and saw God in the flesh, but I bet most of the time she just saw her child. Yes he was her Lord, but he was her baby. Her first baby.

My First Born...
I know from experience that you love your first baby differently than you love the others. Not that you don't love them as much or the same way, you just love them differently. I think its because with your first child you just are so lost as a parent that its a pure act of survival on both of your parts. You have to cling to each other to learn what to do. My oldest is a boy. He's my splitting image, my personality clone, and my baby. He was born severely premature, so I even have a more protective streak in me with him than most probably would. He was so tiny and so weak when he was born. Of  course now, he's almost taller than me and could  probably protect me better than I could him, but regardless he is still that tiny little baby that used to stop breathing in my arms because he would get so comfortable with me. The thing is my baby doesn't even realize how much he means to me. I can't even imagine my life without him in it. There isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't do for any one of my children. But honestly, I don't know how well I'd do if I had to watch them die and not be able to stop it.

She was tougher than I would have been...
When I think about watching any one of my children go through what Jesus did, I literally get sick to my stomach. It had to be hard enough to hear the way the towns people talked about the "radical" Jesus throughout her life, but I wonder what her heart did when she heard he was in prison. I know what I would have felt. There wouldn't have been an army in the world that would have stopped me from getting to him. Especially when I knew he was sinless and innocent. I don't know if I could have taken the moment when he was being led out to the courtyard to be beaten, and he looked into my eyes and told me to stop with just a look. I don't think I could have taken one strike of that scourge to my precious son's flesh. I think my heart would stop. I certainly don't think I would have the stomach to handle him being beaten to within an inch of his life. To hear his screams and cries... I couldn't. I would have given anything to take his place. I would have let them do that to me a million times before I could watch it once. I don't know how she could have stood there and listen to them calling her son a liar, and a joke without screaming at them. I know she had faith in God. I do to though, and I still know in my heart I wouldn't have been OK with the way he had to die. I wouldn't be OK with knowing it was my fault he was being hurt. That the baby I gave birth to was dying for me. I just couldn't. Can you imagine the agony she felt every time he had to push up on his nailed feet to be able to breathe? Or how angry she was when they spit on him? What about the moment that he finally died? Did she feel relief that it was over? I think in a way I would have. At least he wasn't suffering anymore. But then...where did he go when he died? Did she have any peace? At least if something happened to my children now, I'd know where they are going. We have no idea what happened to Him in those 3 days that he was in the grave. There isn't even any speculation on it. And that in itself terrifies me. I can't imagine that my Jesus, my Lord and Savior had to endure 3 days separated from God to save me. How did he survive that knowing what he did?

Her life was never the same...You know as happy as I'm sure she was when she saw Jesus alive again, I wonder if a part of her knew he wasn't her baby anymore after that. I am curious if she knew he was about to go Home and she wouldn't get to touch or hug him again until she died herself. It had to have been hard on her. I just wonder how she dealt with those feelings. So much of the bible is about what everyone went through before they met Jesus or while he was there with them. But so few stories go into what happened in their lives after he was gone. You really don't hear anything about Mary after that. Her life went on. She had to survive with out her Son. Her baby. Yes he was her Lord, Yes he was the King of Kings, but he was her child. It was her flesh and blood that made him. It was her body that nourished him. And it had to have broke her heart to watch him die. I wonder if she was ever the same? Did she suffer like so many mothers do when they lose their children? Did she just go on for the others? I want to know what was the story of Mary after her first born was taken from her. Because maybe if we knew how she lived her life after THE hope of the world was gone, then we would know how to live ours after our hope is ripped from us.

Why do we go on after loved ones pass?Maybe that's the whole point of all of this though. To reach out to the hope of the world again, even through death. That when he rose from the grave he brought with him a new hope. A fresh start that only he could provide. Yes I am thankful for that so much. I am grateful beyond measure. I wish he hadn't had to suffer because of me, but I am blessed that he was willing. But as a human with a mind that goes a million miles a minute I can't help but wonder how she got through it. What their bond was like after he was gone? Did she pray to her son? Did she miss him? I know I'd miss my baby. My goodness I miss him while he sleeps sometimes. I guess its just something I will have to ask her when I get to heaven. Although it sure would help me to be able to share it with others now.... Guess that is something I need to pray on isn't it?

Well my friends, enjoy your week. Remember that without his blood we are nothing. But without his resurrection we are lost. Take the time to feel your bible friends. Cherish it in a way that you haven't before. The words in it can change you forever. They will come alive for you if you allow it. I promise.
Always, Jessica

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Never let your hurts seperate you from God...

Quick Shout out to my Savior!!!
My Jesus is such an amazing, sweet, sweet God! I can cry to Him when I need to. I can laugh and sing with Him when no one else is awake. I can tell Him all my problems when no one will listen. I love the fact that He is my best friend. Praise you my Jesus! I love you with every beat of my heart and breath in my soul!

Sorry I've been missing for a while...
I have been on a journey the last few days that is kind of bittersweet. I am evolving as a person and growing as a believer. Although some of the things in my life have hurt, I am learning very quickly that God is the answer. That He has a plan and that only HE knows what that plan is. I asked Him last night why it had to be that way, and then had the audacity to ask if He realized how hard it is to live life not knowing if what you are doing is right or not? Lol I asked God that. Yes. I'm silly I know. But think about it.... God came to Earth as Jesus... but he was God and knew what His purpose was. We don't get that priviledge. To me that isn't very fair. Which I know is not the point of any of this but you know what...  its a legitimate question from a very curious girl. lol Honestly though, I think I just needed to get it out and have a good cry. I've had some emotional build up lately and hadn't had a chance to get it out.

Boy did I screw up!
You know I am human and I mess up. I get stuck in a rut and don't do all the things I should. I don't read my bible every day. I don't study like I should. I fall short all the time. But what I've learned is that no matter how I might mess up, God still wants me to be with Him. What is amazing is this last time I actually got stuck in a rut it was because of what someone said to me. I am a Mommy Lion sometimes and I reacted kind of badly about something that was being done to one of my children. In that anger I said some things that maybe weren't so Christian. The person I was talking to told me that they couldn't believe a "Christian" would say that about someone, and that they were disappointed in me because I read my bible all the time and should "know better." Honestly... It made me feel like I was the most worthless piece of junk in the world. Not because I felt bad about what I said, but because my appearance as a woman of God was flawed to that person. It hurt me badly because I love them and desperately want them to think I'm a good person. I didn't realize how much it had hurt me until a few days ago when I had to force myself to pick up my bible and study. It was like I felt like I didn't deserve to have that time with God because I had messed up. How crazy is that? But the enemy took my hurt and twisted it and turned it into something that made me feel bad inside. For one thing... God knows my heart, and no matter what I said, which wasn't that bad anyways, He still loves me and wants time with me. Secondly, I should never let anyone's manipulation of me affect my relationship with God. This person had messed up in their own sense and was taking their frustration with themself out on me. I didn't realize this until later. Does it make it right for them to judge me? No but I let them anyways. This is just another example of how quickly the enemy can seperate us. So sad, and I spent last night begging God to forgive me for letting that happen. Because while I was seperated from that time with God, I had let myself get sad, and down again. Something I swore I'd never let happen. Was it as bad as before? No way. Not even close, but it wasn't good regardless. I learned a few lessons about myself though, I am a strong woman of God. I grow in faith every day, and this seperation from God will NEVER happen to me again because of someone else. So please guard your heart my friends. Pray for protection from the attacks of the enemy and know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus. Sorry I've been distant... things will pick up around here again!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I get a little bit stronger...

I'm not sure how "Christian" this blog post is going to be, but I need to express this somewhere and this is my sounding board. Please understand that this is a process for me. A way to finalize what I'm thinking and make it very real to myself. But you never know who might relate to what I'm about to say.

For the last 10 years I have wished, hoped, and prayed that I could change someone. I thought that if I loved enough, tried hard enough, was perfect enough, that I could make a difference. Funny thing is that no matter what I did, what I do, or what I could ever do, nothing and no one can change a person but God. Even though I knew that, especially this last year because I changed so much, I have tried to do it myself. I almost completely exhausted every ounce of energy I have thinking I could do what God can only do. In the past Ive gotten so severely depressed because I thought I wasn't enough because no change ever stuck with this person. It killed me that I wasn't worth changing for. That I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. Thing is... I'll never be enough. I'll never be worth it. I'll never be able to be so profoundly different by myself that it will make something click inside and they will want to change because of anything I've done. Their issues are things only God can deal with, no matter what they might say. And well... I'm finally done. Listen very closely, I am not giving up on this person, I'm just finally, resolutely, absolutely giving God this person. Cause frankly I can't do it anymore. I am taking back control of myself. I'm not spinning my wheels anymore trying to make them "get it". Its not my job. And I'm a little bit stronger because of it.
This song is about leaving...but that's not what my post is about, but what this song says about every day making you stronger, every second you fight it getting easier...
that is what I love about this song.

This is so hard for me. I desperately love you. I have wanted nothing more than to be able to love all the darkness away. But no matter what I do, what I say, how I act I can't do the work for you that I had to do for myself. I guess I wish I could, maybe that is why I've tried so hard to do that for so long. You aren't a bad person. You just have junk that needs to be dealt with so that you can give every ounce of your life to God. You need to give up the bad habits, and old ways. Let the past go and just enjoy the moment. Do you know how hard I've tried to make things different for you? The nights I layed awake thinking of ways I could show my love for you. The moments I've taken out of my life to do nice things for you. The hours and hours I've spent worrying about where you are, who you are talking to, and what you are doing? You probably have no idea. I have literally almost drained myself of every ounce of energy I have trying to make you happy. Of trying so hard to be enough for you. And wishing I could do something, anything, to make you see that what you are doing isn't right. Yes I know you aren't a bad person. And I love so much about you. There are amazing things you do every day. can't live two ways with God. And you have to see that for yourself.

I can't keep living like this. I'm exhausted. I'm worn and weary. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not worth it. That no matter how good I am you will never change for me. That I'm just not enough. Because this isn't going to be about me anymore. Its about you.

I just...I'm tired of hurting. Tired of feeling alone in a house full of people. I'm so tired of being angry at you. I don't like the way it feels. I'm tired of getting frustrated because what I do doesn't matter when I know it does. I know I'm worth it. I know I deserve what God can do with you. I think that is what has hurt the most. Knowing that I deserve good things, happy things, and having to sit and wish it would happen and it doesn't. I'm not living like that anymore. God has blessed me, and I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm done trying to be your savior. I'm laying you at Jesus' feet. I'm done with feeling this way. Its not doing you or me any good. I don't know really what clicked, I guess it was you being away and me having to deal with everything alone, and I realized that I'm happier when I don't have to spend the time fretting over you. Its been nice to just talk to you and love on you when I get the chance, but not be so consumed by it that I can't function. I felt better today when I woke up and I like how it feels.

I know what you are thinking, and let me stop you right now. I love you. I want you, and that isn't changing. What is changing is that I'm not fighting your battle anymore. I will pray for you, love you, and give to you what I can, but not all I have. Its not fair to me to never get anything in return. Its not right that I give until I'm a tattered bit on nothing left and you don't give but just a little. I'm tired of giving excuses, letting everyone tell me that its just the way it is, cause it doesnt have to be. I'm not going to worry that I can't tell you how I feel, or what I need or want. I'm just not anymore. I love you enough to let God handle this now. Its not my fight anyways. I was just getting in the way. Please understand that this doesn't change my love for you. It just makes my faith in what God will do with you different. I love you so much it hurts. I just pray with prayers so big that you finally get it one day....

So many people say that your past is what makes you who you are. I think that is true to a point. Your past makes you who you are if you let it, but God makes you who He wants you to be if you let Him. A year ago I decided I wasn't going to be dictated by my past anymore. I haven't done great at everything, this being one of those things. I'm making a step in the right direction though. Every part of my life that I let go to God I get stronger. I grow deeper roots in faith. I bear brighter, more sweetly tasting fruit. God is growing me, and it is so hard. Especially when you've spent so much of your life being the fixer. But if I have any faith that God has his hand in this relationship, I have to give the control I have been holding onto up. Its God's turn. I know He can do anything. I have faith that it is going to be ok. Whatever His will is... that is what I want.

I'm letting God have you because I love you, not because I don't.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Gift of Empathy...

Spirit of Empathy.... I fought this one for a long time. I am super sensitive to things and people around me. I sense feelings and emotions almost instantaneously when someone enters the room. Been this way my whole life, and I don't like it much. Well... I used to not like it. Lately I've realized that it is a gift that God gave me to be used for His will, not something meant to hurt me. I will try to explain to you what it is like... For instance last night there was a show on TV, one of those FBI detective things where they find the missing person, anyways, the victim was being tortured. They showed enough to make my mind go nuts. I felt sick inside, my heart started aching, and I had a hard time breathing. I had to physically leave the room it got so bad. Yes I know that it was fake, but here's where my mind goes... By showing that on TV, the enemy is putting an idea out there for some sick, twisted, messed up person who is consumed by the devil to take and store for future reference. Where is the mind of the writer of that show? A Godly man or woman wouldn't want to write those things. Do you see where I am going with this?All those shows and movies that depict that kind of stuff is nothing but a tool of the enemy. You aren't of sound nature with God if you enjoy watching things like that. I get so overwhelmed at how PRESENT the devil is in our daily lives at times like this and yes I feel it down into my bones. Now I understand that movies are fake, and books aren't always real. I'm not an idiot, but they are still being used every day and so many people don't even realize it. I am not saying don't read fictional books or watch TV and movies, what I am telling you is this...Be careful what you put into your mind and Guard your heart tightly!

The benefit of being empathetic is that I can relate to and understand others and their pain, suffering, joy, and happiness way beyond what most people can. I can be an instrument of peace if I need to, or a sense of encouragement. Whatever God has in mind for me at the time with that particular person. What I don't have to do is let it get me down. I have had to learn how to block out things that get to me in a harmful way. The enemy has loved using this gift against me for a long time. Used it to get me depressed, upset, angry, and worried. He used it to get into my head and make me think things that just werent true. It is a blessing to feel pain if I need to feel it to grow. It is not a blessing to feel suffering that makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. This is a gift that I am still very much in the learning process with. I am not really sure why God needs me to be able to feel it in my heart and soul when someone suffers. Perhaps it is so I can relate to Jesus more closely. He had to have been empathic. I just can't imagine the God of the universe not being able to feel what we feel. After all that is why He came to earth to save us. He had to experience our life, and die for us anyways because He loved and cared about the destination of our souls.

One thing I can tell you though is that I see people very differently than most. Why?... because I look deep down inside. There are amazing things inside people if you are willing to move the junk out of the way.  Its kind of like those horder shows on TV. Inside that house is a huge mess full of all kinds of things. Sometimes when they get down underneath all the stuff there is a beautiful home left in its place, but at times they dig down and uncover a rotten, disease filled shell of a house that can't be recovered without completely tearing it down and starting over. That is what happens to our souls as well. Problem is when you encounter people that are so consumed with evil that they outwardly show it, then you have a harder task in front of you. That is when it suddenly becomes dangerous because their insides are rotten and destroyed. You have to really rebuild someone in that state.  It takes a lot to dig down and find the good in those people. Sometimes its there, and sometimes its not. The enemy can win people over. There are truly lost people in this world. They become so consumed by the devil that they act out his darkest most horrible plans of revenge on us. The things that hurt my heart the most like torture, abuse, slavery, starvation, pain, suffering... those things are not of God, and people like that will use it to their advantage. What frightens me most is that the end of the ages is going to be filled with people who enjoy doing those things to Christians. What do you think the anti-Christ is going to be like? Take the most evil, horrible, sickened person you can think of, multiply it by ten thousand, and wrap it up in a pretty little package. And I promise you, that doesn't even come close to what the enemy is like.   

I have the save the world mentality. I truly love everyone. I want to save them all. People think I'm crazy, but I can take just about anyone and turn them around if they are willing. Now those that arent... well... No one but God can do anything about them anyways. I just have to remember to stay firm in my convictions, cover myself in prayer, and go where God leads me. I know that no matter how hard it might get, or how desperate someone might seem, that God would never take me to a place He couldn't get me out of. That is where I just have to learn to trust His will. If it takes me to dangerous, not so fun places, filled with the darkness of the enemy, then so be it. As long as I have the Mighiest Lord and Savior of all by my side, I have no fear.

Until next time, guard your heart. Feed your soul with good things from the Word. Love others as God loves you,

Thursday, March 24, 2011


“So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.  What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.  And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:26-28

You know I used to keep a lot of secrets. I hid so much from everyone I knew. How I wasn't eating. How I would throw up when I did. Where I went to cry. Where I hid the things I used to cut myself. I hid how I felt, how bad I was hurting, and how desperate I was for it all to stop. I put on a pretty little mask and acted like my life was perfect. That I was strong and tough and I could take everything that the enemy was throwing at me while inside I was dying. I hid how desperately I wanted my husband to just love me and look at me like I was beautiful. I hid how hard it was to raise children while I was having anxiety attacks. I hid that I wasn't sleeping and how I just didn't really care anymore. I hid all of these things from anyone that was close to me. Everyone that is, but God.

I thought that God didn't care about my secrets. That really what I was going through wasn't important enough for Him to deal with. So I didn't tell Him I needed His help. I figured that I could handle it myself. But I was very wrong. Trust me when you are holding a million secrets inside, your life is harder than you think. Not only are you burdened with the secrets, but you have do deal with what you are hiding as well. And that is exactly where the enemy wants you. I promise you that if he could keep you from freeing yourself of the things you hide, he would because that's how he keeps you with him. I will tell you this though, the Jesus Christ that I serve will take off the gloves once in a while and fight that snake off of us without our asking. There are times when He says enough is enough and He does things to interfere. Now I am not saying God alters free will. He just changes circumstances. You'd be amazed at how one choice, or one left turn instead of a right will change your life. When you are His beloved He will come to your rescue. He will take you and point you in the right direction, even if you don't really think that is the way to go. You might not realize what is happening. You might think that you are hiding things better than you are, but He will uncover things because it is what is good for you.

Remember David? God's beloved David. I can appreciate him so much. This man was nothing more than the perfect definition of polar opposites. He went from murder to foolish abandonment to God. He hid things. He had secrets, but in time God brought those to light. Yes it hurt David. That period in his life was not fun I promise you, but the man that walked out of the smoke and battlefield, was the image that Christ had in mind for him. That is what happens to us in adversity. I know that you might think that life is hard and you just don't want to fight anymore. I have those days too. But I promise you, there are reasons we go through what we do. Reasons we might not like. Reasons we might not understand, but God's Reasons none the less.

I stopped having secrets in my life about a year and a half ago. Now I can't hide anything. Its amazing how God can change you. I really and truly cannot lie. I do not need to. My life is what it is. I get sad. I get anxious and fearful. I have days I don't want to get up out of bed. But then I have days that are beautiful. Days that I don't want to go to sleep because they are so glorious. I have moments I wish I could freeze forever. A lot of the things I had in my life before, but I was too shrouded in darkness to see. The thing that changed in me was my love for my Lord. I trust Him now in ways that I never knew was possible. My life is His. My heart is His. When I get down, I run to HIM. When I'm sad... He is my comfort. When I'm happy He is the one I thank. It is all about how you see things. The way you look at your life can dramatically change the way you live it. I promise you that I am more free today than I ever was. Yes I had to go through some pretty stinky times to get here, but now I wouldn't trade it for anything.

If I could teach you one thing it would be this.... Don't hold onto things that are of this world. This life is so short and we don't belong here. This isn't our home. We aren't meant for this life. We were designed by a loving and amazing God that wanted so much more for us than this. But because of our human nature we have to go through the way things are here to get back to where we belong. The best part about it all though is that you don't have to do it alone. God puts people in your life to help you. All those years I held things inside I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on with me. Now... I talk to a lot of people, and that helps me more than you know. You have to be accountable for yourself when you tell others how you are. You have to deal with the sad if you tell someone you are upset. You have to enjoy the happiness when you share it with another. Same with shame, anger, and anxiousness, if its in the open there are people to share it with you. Whether that helps the burden or makes it different, is all up to who you share it with, but you have a God that loves you so very much and wants you to take advantage of the things He gives you. Even if it is the hardest lessons of your life. I hope that you are growing in Christ as much as I have been. And if you aren't, if you feel stuck or hopeless, maybe God led you here to this page so that you would find comfort and a friendly face. I will help you if I can. I will lead you to a God that can heal all things, and I will pray for you.
If it has to be a secret, it can't be a good thing. Let God free you.
Always loving,

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Christianity needs a makeover!

 I've been afraid to post this blog for a while now because I didn't want to step on toes. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or lose a bunch of followers after today because of what I am about to say, but there comes a time when you write what God tells you to write if you want to keep writing at all. So sit back, put on your seat belts, cause this isn't going to be like "Driving Miss Daisy," its going to be more like a bumper car ride I have a feeling!

Take a look at yourself....
Are you the woman in the bible study that sits in her "assigned spot" and looks down her nose at every new woman that enters the room? Maybe you are the worship leader that only lets your "certain few" be a part of the services because you are afraid of being shown up. Perhaps you are the lady that preaches goodness and love, but is the biggest gossip to come into the deep south in the last century. It could be that you are that woman that on the outside you are all God and prayers, but every time someone comes for advice you treat them as if they are not as "Godly" as you in a secretly condescending way. It could also be that you've become a lazy, hidden in your comfort zone, "I'll only do what is comfortable God" kind of Christian. Whatever it is, it is time to take a long hard look at your walk with the Prince of Glory cause for some of you, its not what He had planned for you at all. 

The "image" of Christ...
I have a major problem with the "Christian" image of late. I can imagine God dislikes hypocrisy as much as I do, but if I were a betting woman I'd probably say He dislikes it way beyond what I understand. God is pure truth and I'm just a poor measly sinner who has no idea what real Godly truth is, so trust me hypocrisy means a very different thing to the God of the Universe than it does to me, but neither opinion is good. I really can't say how God feels about the way so many Christians are living today, but I do know what I see and it isn't pretty. I know what God teaches in the bible, and I have an example in Jesus the perfect Son of God, and believe me what you are doing in some of your churches and groups is so far away from the truth of God that you literally follow that "wolf in sheep's clothing" definition perfectly.  You want to know why people run from churches? Want to know why the drug addict prostitute would rather run into the arms of the devil than God? Because of US! We have started to think that because we are "God's chosen" we are "God's gift" to the world. But we are so dead wrong! God's gift to the world was Jesus Christ. The example of everything we are supposed to be as Christians, but fail so miserably at. I left a church because I felt a calling on my heart from God, but because I wasn't one of the "women's leaders" I didn't have a right to speak my voice. I tried again and again to follow God's leading in that church and time after time pride, arrogance, and being stuck in a rut kept it squashed down. So I stopped going to church. I decided I didn't need it. I had been a christian for 20 years, and I left God because of people. So how do you think that woman who's been the "harlot" or idol worshiper is going to feel in your "holier than thou" presence? I can tell you exactly how she will feel. Ashamed, unloved, and unworthy of God, and YOU will be the reason she feels that way. Cause it sure isn't God that will ever make her feel like that. But friends listen to me very closely, she will NEVER know the love of God without us showing it to her. We have to be Christ for her. We have to love her in spite of the dirt, grime, and filth of her sin. Remember loves, you are no better. You are no more clean and no mightier than her. Jesus Christ carried your sin on His cross just the same as hers. Remember those stripes across His perfect flesh...the  blows that took away your sin were no less painful than the blows He took for her. You might wear prettier clothes, have a "perfect" life, and have more money, but I promise you without God in your life you are just as ugly as you think she is.

Attitudes have to change...
It is time to stop acting like being a Christian makes us better. It is more of a sin to KNOW what you are doing is wrong and keep doing it over and over than to not know at all. You cannot be a half way Christian in this day and age any longer. You have to give it all or just not give at all. God doesn't want just the parts you want to give to Him. He wants every minute detail of you. He knows the very number of hairs on your head and He wants to be in control of every single wind that blows through those strands. God is moving in big ways. He is coming to take His bride home sooner than you think. It is TIME to stop pretending to live a life of faith and start doing it. You want to be used for God? Then stand up for Him. Live for Him. Take a stand and say, "I will no longer live my life as if what Jesus did for me on the cross wasn't good enough." He DIED for you. He suffered. He went through unimaginable pain and separation from His Father for us, and we throw it aside every single time we treat others as if we are better than them. Do not be the man that judged the woman for washing Jesus' feet with her hair. Instead get down on your knees and wash them WITH HER! It is no longer OK to just sit back and live your life the way you are. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Jesus needs us to embrace His life and His word. We are the soldiers readying for the battle against an enemy that wants us to live the way we are now. I've been down that road. I've followed the enemy's wicked manipulations and I will NO longer. Are you with me or do you need to just get out of God's way? Do not let your judgmental attitude, your fears of new ideas, and your close minded ways keep God from doing His work in someone you know. If you are too afraid to be the person God needs you to be then you need to tell Him to work on your heart before you continue down this path any longer.

Our lives impact the future...
My friends it is time to bury ourselves in the Word made flesh. To embrace everything wonderful and Holy about God and LIVE it every single day. We are the leaders of this world as women. We raise the future generations. Just think.... If you are raising sons you are raising soldiers for the General of the mightiest army ever known to the Universe. Don't you want them prepared for battle? Do not let them go into battle with the prince of the earth without their armor. It is YOUR job to prepare them. And if you have daughters, you are raising the next generation of Mothers. The teachers, intercessors, and lovers of the next group of warriors. Take heart in how you live your life. You are teaching them through your actions more than through your words. It is time to be more than what we have been, and it is time to become what God has created us to be!

Until next time, Love is the Change. The Change is You, and God is the Love. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Reverence in a word...

I didn't disappear....
I haven't written in a few days, not because I didn't have something to say, because I always have something to say, but just because I didn't want to say the wrong things. I wasn't lead to write. Today He said, "Sit down and type I'll tell you what I want you to say..." So here I am, typing, listening to music and just waiting. Its funny, I keep going back to this word Holy.

God is Holy
My son asked me the other day what holy meant. I tried to explain it to him this way...

Sometimes there is only one word to fully describe something. Holy is that one word used to describe God. There isn't another word that can truly define Him, and it is the one word you should only use for God. He was like, "oh yeah mom that is why those creatures in heaven just say holy holy holy all the time right?" Yep kiddo you are right. (He does listen to his Momma! Go figure) Of course that just lead to his whole fascination with the book of Revelation. LOL What is it with boys and loving that scary stuff?! I tried to detour from that and lead him into a discussion about the "Holy of Holies" in the old testament. He was quite impressed with that instead so I did good. lol. But this kinda got me to thinking about the word Holy.

Merriam-Webster defines holy as:
exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness.

To me that doesn't describe anything BUT God. Perfect goodness and righteousness... Love that! My God is perfect. Holy...and I don't need to explain it, because my simple human words can't, and to me that is OK.

What is Holy?
You know that moment when you stop for a second and listen to the birds singing? But I mean really listen... You for one brief moment hear all of the tones and pitches of that sound, and if you closed your eyes I bet you could see the music in your head. That is a glimpse at God's holiness. Or maybe when you hear a song and it takes you and rearranges you inside...almost to the point of making you tremble... That is a glimpse of Holy. It could be the moment you feel God's very breath on your face and you don't want to move because you just want Him to stay right there with you, or when you look into the innocence of a baby's face you might for a single minute understand the depth of God's complete holiness. 

Hold on I'm about to get really deep!
Why does it work that way? I think its something that doesn't stick with us for long because that is how God designed us. Not because we don't need to think God is holy, but because we aren't meant to be able to grasp it. If holiness was something we could "figure out" like everything else in this world, I think it would lose its meaning. Crazy as that may sound, I truly think that is part of how God works. There has to be mystery, there has to be things we don't know, so that we will want to learn. Once we as humans have "mastered" something we are quick to get bored with it. I think that is why God doesn't let us fully grasp it, because He doesn't want us to lose interest. So take a minute and think about how holy God is. I don't know about you, but when I do that I get transported to a place I don't understand but I'd stay there forever if I could. Its warm, filled with light, and beautiful beyond measure. There are colors I can't describe, I feel so safe, and there is this sound... its like waves of liquid energy just pouring down and over me like water and its so breathtaking.

(Omg... stop like screeching brakes! that is what that song kept saying to me! EEK! WOWIE I am trembling! lol. Sorry... just kinda drifted off for a moment into my own little world, but you gotta hear this...This morning the song "Washed by the water" by Need to Breathe kept popping into my head, so I kept listening to it over and over... It was like I was sitting in an old southern church. I was singing along and raising my hands, but I kept feelings this awesomeness I couldn't explain, until now. It was holy washing over me. God washing me. TOO COOL! Sorry... if you can't stand acts of randomness then I'm not someone you should talk to lately. Been happening ALL the time. Not that I'm complaining. Its awesome to be this close to God. I seriously wish I knew how to get everyone this hooked on Jesus! Its the best kind of high ever created!)

You gotta listen to this song now and think of that!!!

 But anyways.... back to the!

Simple beauty of a word...
To me there is something just beautiful about the word holy. The way it sounds, and how the word just rolls off your tongue is just so... poetic. Its almost like when you say it you have to close your eyes because it is just reverence in a word. I was going to try to paint what holy was like.... and I couldn't. I couldn't even wrap my head around a concept to paint that would resemble it. The only thing I could come up with was a color... blue. Why? I have no idea. Then it suddenly became a test to me... I'd think of Godly words and I'd come up with ideas I could paint. I could do it for everything like love, peace, hope, faith... all of them, but holy, still just blue. That should tell you something. When an artist can't paint it, and a writer can't describe it, maybe its something we should hold close to our hearts. I love that about God. Its the moments when He shows us how beyond our measure He is that we cling to Him the most. Such a treasure!

Until next time, I love you... Hold tightly to what you feel is scared. Love will find a way.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

When its time....

Fighting my calling...
I have been fighting something for a while... I have tried to kinda sorta follow through with it, but so far it is only kinda sorta working. Why have I done it this way? Because I'm scared of failing. Terrified of looking God in the eyes one day, and having to say, "I couldn't do what you wanted and I'm sorry." Problem is I refuse to live that way anymore. I am strong. I am passionate, and I am beautifully His. That's all the proof I need to succeed. But then there is Satan... with his cunning ways, and manipulative words telling me I won't be able to do it. I'll get laughed at, or worse.... I will fail. I can't accept that for myself. I can't accept that for God.

Can no longer deny it...
It wasn't until last night when I was studying my bible that I realized God was trying to tell me something. Something so simple but yet so amazingly profound. "Its time." For weeks I have been following a certain bible study and reading through a book bit by bit. But this last week every time I study one or the other, it aligns with the other. Verses are the same, teachings are the same, every part of it has been like two paths merging into one, and honestly I couldn't be looking at a bigger sign of God being at work in my life. I mean it is crazy, I will go a few days without reading the book and maybe miss a day studying this certain study, and then when I do... bam it is like I was meant to not study at those times so they would align. God's timing it so perfect and so beautiful! The part that scares me is that now, because He is showing me these things, I know that it is time for me to let go of everything I am afraid of and follow His lead. Which to be honest, terrifies me. You ask for signs and God gives them to you, as if what He has already done in your life wasn't enough, but then you finally get one that just cuts you deeper than others and you start shaking in your boots. Its like the voice of thunder from Heaven, and you finally stop and say, "ok God I get it!"

"Now God has revealed [these things] to us by the Spirit, for the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man that is in him? In the same way, no one knows the thoughts of God except for the Spirit of God. Now we have not recieived the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who [comes] from God so that we may understand what has been freely given to us by God. We also speak these things, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual things to spiritual people."
1 Corinthians 2:9-13

The next step is a tough one....
THAT is the lesson I was taught last night. I have been destined to be a teacher of the Spirit since the day I was born. I've been told to write what the Spirit places on my heart. I've been told to speak what the Spirit leads me to say. I've been told to love with a merciful grace that ONLY the Spirit of the Lord can provide, and through that love great things will come to pass. That through the Spirit of the Most High God a nation will come to season and will bear fruit of righteousness, and I am supposed to do those things. YIKES!!! :) 

"You are lead to be a minister of the Lord. You will lead great nations to Me. Teach what My Spirit leads you dear one. You are the only one made for this task. I believe in you. I need you to do this for ME."

How do you tell God "No" when He says that to you? You can't. If you love Him at all you just can't. Pray for me my friends. I am about to begin a journey that I don't even know where it will lead. This common girl is about to do great things for her King and as much as I'd like to say I'm not scared... I am.

"You are no different than My David, or My Esther. You are no less powerful than the great Moses, for My love you are becoming EXACTLY what I created you for.. You are going to do great things for Me. I am proud of you My Daughter. Just follow My lead child, do not sway from the path. You are strong and sturdy. Believe in the things I teach you, for no one else can show you what I can. Listen carefully for My voice, I am here with you always."

I don't know what else to say right now, other than Its just Time. Every minute thing I've done in my life, from Speaking Competitions, to writing, to art and working in a school, is all coming together. It is so amazing! I just pray with everything that I am that I do God proud. That I follow His instructions to the letter, and bring Him the Glory!

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed Him, "If you continue in My word, you really are My disciples. You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

Until next time, don't hesistate to follow the gentle... or not so gentle nudgings of the Spirit. You are in my heart!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Thankful Love

"Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little, loves little." Luke 7:47

There isn't a story in the bible that I relate to more than this one. I guess it is because of her desperation, her courage, and her utter devotion to Jesus that draws me to her. She is the symbol of all of our brokenness. She is the embodiment of our lives. Yes maybe she was a "bigger sinner" than you or I might be, but what gives us the right to judge her sin? In reality, you and I are no better than her, and if we are truly honest with ourselves, we might be worse. Sin is sin is sin. In God's eyes sin is ANYTHING that separates you from Him. Your pride that won't let you forgive, sin. The lust you have after that hunky guy on the TV screen, sin. The fact that you put your earthly marriage before your love of God, sin. It doesn't matter if you are a murderer, or an everyday girl like me. YOU are a sinner and fall short of the glory of God.

I'm that girl...
Now those of us with pretty lengthy lists tend to carry with us this burden of guilt and shame that is so heavy. It feels as if the world is staring down at us and pressing with all its might. I imagine that is exactly what she felt like the moment before she was at Jesus' feet. She probably was at the rock bottom. She couldn't bare it anymore, and there was her Savior in the very room she was about to enter. Can you imagine how she felt? I bet it took everything she had not to drop that alabaster bottle she carried gently in her hands. She was no doubtingly trembling. I imagine she hadn't slept, or eaten. She was tattered, torn, and weary. I wonder what she felt when she touched Jesus for the first time? Did she instantly burst into tears like I know I would have? Or did she hold her composure at least until He acknowledged her? I can only say that I know what I would have felt. I would have been in shambles the moment I saw Him and knew who He was. I can imagine that it was that very same feeling I had when I finally surrendered to him. You know the feeling, the huge breath you take after that unbearable weight was taken from your shoulders. I can guarantee that all I would want to do was love on Him. When started sobbing it was the release of something that had bound her to this Earth for so long. The love she showed to Jesus by washing His feet was her thankfulness. I would have loved to had the "story behind the story." Did she finally sleep through the night for the first time in years? Did food taste better? Did she walk with her head held a little higher that day? I wonder how long it was before she washed her hair after that event? It would have been very hard for me to have done that. I would have wanted to keep that scent around me forever. I guess as a woman I relish in those things. Just to know that my hair had touched the King of Heaven.... ahhh! what a glorious thought!  Just to breathe in Jesus for a moment!

Through the eyes of Our Savior...
Can you imagine how Jesus must have felt when He saw her enter the room. I wonder if He thought she was beautiful? I'm sure He did. He thinks that of all of His brides. You know that we are never more beautiful to Him than when we finally surrender it all? So when you are ragged, worn down, with your hair a mess, and no make up and you finally say, "I give in! You can have me Lord," that is when you are the most gorgeous! But you know, I bet as much as she felt loved that day, He probably felt that love as well. He had to have seen it in her face. He is God in the flesh. I wish I could know if it was pleasing to Him to see her and know what she was facing to ask His forgiveness. I am curious if this was a moment during His time on this Earth that He did relish in the scent of being loved back. Because after all, that is all He wants from us. For us to love and worship Him. I can't think of a better, more holy way of worshiping the Lord than washing His feet with your own tears of love. You know, ssometimes what we say in our darkest desperation is the sweetest to His ears. Our sobs are like music of a thousand Heavenly harps. Yes the praise is wonderful and mighty, but the honest, heartfelt pleas of forgiveness are so precious to Him. It validates what He did on the cross. It makes it worth it to Him. It proves to Him that it wasn't in vain, and I bet what she did for Him that day was give Him courage to face what He was going to face one day. That is so beautiful.

If it is a secret... it can't be good.
I know that there is more to this story than just what she went through, but to me it doesn't matter. You see, I am that woman, and that is the lesson I need. Maybe you are the old guy in the corner that criticized Jesus for even letting her touch Him. And if you are, then maybe one day, you will realize that you are no better than her. Your sins aren't cleaner, or prettier. You can't buy them away, or hide them under the covers thinking no one knows. Your secrets are your chains. Her secrets are her freedom. Why? because she let Jesus take them from her. I know people like that. High and mighty.... Think they are all that. Their sins aren't as bad as mine, and they are better people than me. You know what.... I don't get angry at them for thinking that. I used to. But now I feel sorry for them. Because you see, I have something they don't. Freedom. I don't have to live worrying about that stuff "coming out" anymore. I admitted my wrongs. I paid my dues. I asked for forgiveness for my sins. I don't have to live like that guy does... constantly worrying when someone might find out the truth, and what will he do when that happens? Cause it might not happen on this earth, but it will happen standing in front of God, and personally, I'd rather be forgiven now, than ever hear, "That one isn't mine, " in Heaven.

The beauty in it all...
I am an artist by nature, so I find the beauty in imagery. I love to stop and picture this scene in my mind. It is one of the most beautiful things I can imagine. It is a pure image of love and devotion, of kindness, and peace. I love my Lord Jesus so! He is amazingly perfect, and wonderfully beautiful. I treasure my moments with Him. I wish I could convert what is in my mind to canvas better than I do, but in reality even if I was the most gifted artist, you still wouldn't be able to compare it to what I see inside my thoughts. I can't describe it. Maybe it is because within the pictures, and faces, is the love. I see love in colors and movements. Breaths of air, and gentleness. The kindness in His eyes, the pain in hers. Love has so many facets, so many dimensions. It is a no wonder we find it so difficult to capture in art. I truly wish I could though, because maybe more people would see the graciousness of the King of Kings if I could!

Until next time, Read through that old story.
Enjoy it, relish in it and keep it close to your heart.
You are a beautiful gift to God. Never take that for granted!

Always praying for you,
even if I don't know who you are....