Thursday, July 21, 2011

Less like Martha and More like Mary

Finding a balance in the life of a woman...

The Holy Spirit woke me up with a vengence today. I was in a horrible mood. I swear the enemy had attacked my mind the entire time I was asleep. But I kept pushing forward because I know that usually out of these moments comes a great and beautiful lesson. Of course then again... it can also be painful and hard to swallow.

So are you Mary or Martha?
I do several different bible studies at one time. From day to day I wait for the Lord to lead me to which ever one I need to read and go with that. Today I picked up one that I haven't done in a while. The lesson was on Jesus visiting Mary and Martha. (Luke 10:38-42). Did you know that the enemy can use your servant's heart to keep you too busy for Jesus? Yes Ma'am he sure can. You see I'm a servant to the enth degree. I love taking care of and cooking for others. But lately that sertitude has kinda gotten in my head. Its almost become a poison. Either I'm so consumed with making everything perfect, or I'm so angry because I never get anything in return. One way or another, its not good. I have made it a huge point in my life to make sure that my husband knows he's loved. I spend a great deal of energy taking care of my children. I also do whatever it might be for my friends and family. There for a while I was very blissful and I couldn't quite figure out what had changed. That is... until today.

Lately I haven't taken as much time out for the Lord as I used to. I don't have fun and play. I sit and pray and worry. I do way too much, and really accomplish nothing in the process.  I get angry when I make plans and they fall through. I feel sad and frustrated when I ask for something and it doesnt get done. I go to bed feeling neglected and hurt. Its not the way to live and it was eating me alive. I looked back over the months and realized that when a few things changed in my life I started letting go of God. Makes me sad to think that the enemy is that sneaky and coniving. But he is. No I hadn't done anything morally wrong, but I had gotten so busy in my life that I neglected my spirit. That isn't something you can do and continue to live a happy and blessed life.

So how do I make time to be Mary and Martha, without the bad feelings and guilt that the enemy will try to force on me. How do I live my life as a praise to the King, and do the things I am meant to do as a wife and mother? How do I use my time during the day to prepare myself for the time in the evenings I will have? Its so hard to do... or is it really?

Where is your time really spent?
God asked me this question loud and clear today. I didn't like my answer at all. I spend probably who knows how much time worrying about stuff every day. Stuff that I have given over to God. Things that I am supposed to be having faith in. So in all honesty I spend a lot of my day in sin. Because truth be told when you give your cares to the Lord and you take then back, you are doubting Him and His power over them. That is just as much a sin as anything. You are placing your own desires and need to control things over the Lord. Holy smokes. Seriously?!  ugh... I'm not feeling any better at this point.

But then Jesus Steps in...
So Jesus stands there and smiles at me and says, " Jess maybe you need to take a step back. Rethink what you are doing with the time in your days. Make time to talk to ME about the things that are on your mind, and then let it go. Maybe you need to remember that I am always with you, and that I see everything that you do. Don't you realize that everything you do is for Me? You used to know that. What happened to you?" Of course I answered back, "You KNOW what happened to me." And with a laugh He touched my cheek, and said, "I know, and I'm taking care of it." That was it, I lost it. I was so ashamed that I had let everything consume me so much that I doubted the Man of my Dreams. My sweet Jesus. I'm so... ugh. You have to understand... I have a different relationship with Jesus than most. Or maybe I just have a gift of being able to see Him in my mind as He talks to me. He is my everything. I mean my everything. I would rather die than disappoint Him. And I know that wasn't the point, but it still made me sad that I had done that to Him.

Whats amazing is that everytime I stop and have a conversation with Him, things come into light. But this is hard stuff. So much of it is easier said than done. And really all it did was make me feel really guilty that I haven't spent more time with Him and doubted that He was taking care of things. I have become horribly guilty of wasting time. Precious time with my Lord. How terrible is that?! Yes my kids need clean clothes and dinner, but did I really need to spend that long being upset about the fact that the romantic evening I planned was ruined by an unexpected dinner invitation?  Why did I sit there and get upset about things when I could have opened that book on the table next to me and spent a quiet moment with God? I can't let that stuff get to me so much anymore. This life is so much about being fruitful to God's will rather than making sure we take care of the garden around us. I have to get back to being more like Mary. Not exactly an easy process, but I have to do it.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit just is there to kind of put us in a time out. To straighten our spirits, and give us the attitude adjustment we need. Thank God that He loves me regardless of what I do. I hope that you know if the Lord takes the time to straighten you out, it means that He has you on His heart, and wants the best out of you!

"If Satan can't make you bad, he will make you busy. Don't let him distract you from the Lord."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Human Mind vs. Spiritual Heart...

You THINK you know how you'd react....

You know you really don't know how you would handle a situation until you are in the situation yourself. You can stand on the outside and say, "I would do this, I would say that," but until you are there, you don't really have a clue.

Something kinda personal...
I am dealing with some emotions and feelings about a few things in my life right now. I battle my human mind and my spiritual heart constantly about these issues. The thing is its something I can't even control. I can't change it. I can't make it stop. Well I could in a sense, but that isn't what God wants me to do. So I sit and wait with my mouth shut. And that isn't easy.

Its hard when you know something you don't want to know. Its even harder when you can't say anything about it, you can't get an appology, and you can't even ask why. Your response might very well match others, but what if God told you not to be that way? Yes I'd love to scream and throw a fit. I'd love to rant and ask why. That is my human mind.  I cried to God last night for some relief from the torment I'm in because of what I know. It sucks. Its not fun. It isn't something anyone would want to go through. Trust me. That is my spiritual heart.

What my Human Mind would say....

"How dare you do this to me after all I have done for you..."
What My Spiritual Heart would say...
You know all I want is for it to stop. Please. Just let me be enough. I don't want an explaination, or an answer. I just want you to say you are sorry and we move on. I want you to go through the valley so you can become what I know God has planned for you. I want to be able to find confidence in the person I see in you at times. I know that being patient is the way to be. I know God is working in His timing, but its hard on me. I have over looked so many things. I have gone through so much pain and heartache, but it would all be worth it if you would just be who you said you would be 2 years ago. That is all I have ever wanted. I won't lie, it hurts me that I am not worth staying on the right path for. It kills me that I had to watch all the things I wanted in you for so long slip away as I got stronger. Seems kind of ironic. The closer to God I got, the farther from God you became. I don't understand it. And I don't have to, I just want you back. There are moments I get glimpses of that side of you and I want to hold onto it so tightly I can't breathe. I don't want to move because I'm afraid it will go away. That isn't a way to live. But right now its what I cling to because when I see it, I know its still there. It gives me a ray of hope. God told me to wait on my miracle. That I am supposed to edure this with you. I am supposed to be the image of God for you in our daily lives. I just want you to realize that its hard on me. I struggle. I don't want to. I try to have enough faith for both of us, but sometimes I fail miserably. Just when I think I can't take anymore I get a whisper of hope. That is what keeps me holding on. I know God has great plans for you... and for us. I just wish you saw what I see. I love you so beyond what you know. I have prayed and talked to God for you so many times. I have stood in the gap and fought the devil off for you. I do it every day. I just wish... Wait... I believe that one day it will be worth it. I claim in in Jesus' name that you will be who I need you to be one day. God is working. I know it. I feel it. I believe it! As I sit here and cry for you right now I know in my heart that staying is what I'm supposed to do. I am in no way like Jesus, I am not a saint for what I go through, but I have to remind myself that he reaches out over and over, he doesn't give up no matter what we do, and he loves us through the worst things imaginable. If I am to be like Him I can't give in to the devil's torment now. I have to keep fighting. I am not better than you... I just want to help you. Thats all...

Some people can say that you get what you deserve. Maybe so. Maybe Karma is a b*tch like they say. Maybe justice comes in what you harvest. But I know that I don't deserve this. Maybe in the past I did, but not now. I think that is what tears me up the most. During the time of my life that I have been the most devoted, the strongest, the most loving, and I don't get it in return. Kinda doesn't make sense. But you know this time here on earth is so short and God works in mysterious ways. This life really doesn't matter in comparison to what eternity will bring. Its God's place to judge and lead is to what He knows we need.  The reality is that I'm not here to be in love and have the perfect marriage or the perfect life, I am here to help God reach people. Plain and simple. I am here to share God's love. To be God's love. To live out God's love. When I look at that side of things.... it all kind of gets put into perspective. Everything that I have gone through in my life, all the hurt and pain... its just revealing a new me. Its kind of like a burn victim... You have to get the burned flesh off... the sin and the human nature... it hurts and there is no other way to do it but in pain, but every time you scrape off the bad stuff, new beautiful skin emerges. Every time I learn to cling more tightly to God, every time I have to bury my burdens in Him, every time He has to be my strength, I get stronger and more beautiful in God's eyes. As much as I want to be everything to my family and friends, His eyes are all that matter.

I hope that if you are suffering you know that God is there to comfort you. All you have to do is ask and He will provide relief. I praise God for His mercy and Love. Without it I would be nothing.I wouldn't be who I am.


Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Christian “Club” Mentality

John responded, 'Master, we saw someone driving out demons in Your name, and we tried to stop him because he does not follow us.'
'Don't stop him,' Jesus told him, 'because whoever is not against you is for you.'”
Luke 9:49-50

I want you to take a walk with me down a dusty old road. Our dirty sandals trudge past many a scraggly bush and rock along the way. There are birds singing, and the wind is blowing a hot breeze across our faces. The weight of heavy robes and head covers is so great compared to our modern day comfort in clothing. We are following closely behind a man who is singing praises to our King as he walks. He is from a town several miles away, but has felt the tug of God upon his heart to go into this city. He is silently praying in his heart with each step, “God let your will be done.” With each hum of his song he is praising God for his mightiness. This man is not a priest, or even a disciple, he is just a man of God. There is nothing particularly special about him, that is except for his faith. He slowly approaches the town and heads straight to the slums of the city. The darkest alleys and the deepest sin is awaiting him around every corner, and there he finds them. Two men stand in the corner, naked and driving their fists into the dirt talking in a form of gibberish never to be understood by man. This gentleman walks up to these men and says, “I command you in the name of Jesus Christ my Savior, by the power of His blood to leave these men! Jesus you are mighty and your blood has covered our sins. Please by the faith I have in You cast out these demons at once!” The demons inside writhe agony and scream out for mercy. He repeats his command again and again until the spirits are gone from these two tattered souls. They look at this man with clear, unblemished eyes, and thank him over and over again. The man says nothing but this, “Give all the praise you want to give me to my Father in Heaven. For it is through His power that you are clean once again.” As he walked away from these grateful men, he was suddenly stopped by John and a few other disciples. They had been standing at the end of the alley watching this man in astonishment, but not because of the power of his faith, because he wasn't one of them. This infuriated the disciples, and they quickly chastised the man for driving out demons in Jesus' name. “Who named you a disciple of the Lord and gave you the authority to cast out demons? You were not given the right to use that power as you see fit. We will not stand for that type of display any longer because you are not one of us!”

How did HE feel?
Now let's stop right here for a minute. Do you wonder what the man felt like when the disciples told him these things? I wonder if he was hurt and upset, or perhaps he was so strong in his faith that it really didn't matter what they said to him. The thing is though, here is a man who has enough faith in God to actually be able to cast out demons, and yet he is being told he isn't allowed to do so because he isn't “part of a group.” How many times these days do we miss out on great ministers of God's will because of this exact thing? How many wonderful Christian musicians do not take another step further into the ministry because someone higher up made them feel as if they didn't have the right to share their gift? I have felt this way so many times over the years. I understand the hurt that this man probably felt. I believe that from the moment I was created I was destined for something great in the Lord's eyes. The more I write this book, and the more I get into the Word of God, the more that I know that to be true, but trust me friends, it hasn't come without many issues with people who thought they “knew the Lord better” than I did.

We do it all the time...What angers me the most is that I see it in churches, social groups, bible studies and worship teams all of the time. I see it in programs and benefits to raise money for the Kingdom's work. That attitude that if you don't have a seminary degree, or you aren't a vested member of a church, or part of a particular group you aren't allowed to have the Grace of God in your life is so troubling to me that I cannot stand back and not say anything about it. What gives anyone the right to say, “Yes you can be a saved sinner, but you can't share your story, and you sure can't be up in front of anyone because you just aren't qualified in our eyes.” Well excuse me, but I think that is exactly the people we need up in front of our churches. What better way to prove that our God is amazing and merciful, then to have an uneducated, ex-drug addict, prostitute singing the praises of our King? Because trust me honey, if that woman is saved, then God can do mighty things with anyone.

We all struggle!
I get so tired of listening to people who are fake in their walk talk about how wonderful their lives are while I struggle. I am sorry, but no matter how strong your faith is and how much you love our God, you are going to have bad days. You are human. It happens. Let me know about it ,and I will be more likely to listen to you when you have good things to say because I know I can relate to you. I am beyond frustrated with the image that non-believers have of the church of God because of the high and mighty, dressed to the nines, Sunday pew squatters who think that they are better than the flat on his face ex-con who is praising God with his tears. Enough is enough. It is time to just join forces and be one as God's followers. Jesus did not gravitate to the wealthy and educated. He found the beggars, the poor, and the filthy, and that is where He was most comfortable. Why is it that we, as His Children, are not the same? Why do we think that we have the right to judge others for their status when God himself didn't do that while He was here on Earth? It is embarrassing to me to hear the gossip among women groups in church. To see how new comers are treated because they are not as well versed in the bible as the ones that have lead the groups for years. Get off your pretty little behind and dig into that bible with that young lady! Who knows who she might become one day if you take the chance on her! Every single minister in the world today had to be given a chance, and I guarantee you that the strongest ones came from the most humble of situations. Why? Because that is where God's grace is the most evident.

Our lives may be different, but our sin isn't...
Remember that you are no better than the dirty, loud, and uneducated woman sitting on the street corner begging for change. Her sins are no greater than yours. Her faults didn't nail Jesus to that tree any harder than yours did. Her praises sound sweeter to Jesus' ears because she honestly means it with all of her heart no matter what her situation might be. So do not hold down someone that comes to the Lord in honesty and wants to serve, because our fight is great. There is an enemy against us that is strong, and we need all the muscle we can get. Plus, and if this doesn't get you, not much will, but I do not ever want to be standing in front of Jesus on judgment day and hear Him say, “Jessica do you realize that because of how you treated so and so, they didn't not follow the plan I had set out for them, and because of that 1,000 people that they would have lead to Me will not step into Heaven?” Do you want to answer that question? I sure don't.

Until next time, remember that the things that sting the most, are the things that God wants to use to shape you into something GREAT!
Always, Jessica

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Easter... From a Mom's point of view

I woke up last night about 1:00 AM, and I couldn't go back to sleep. It was one of those moments in my life when the Lord was pressing on my heart with so much force I couldn't resist it. There was a message that He wanted me to receive write it in my own words. The problem with a message like this is that it isn't the most pleasant thing in the world so I really didn't want to be sitting at my computer at 1:00 AM crying my eyes out. I think I also needed to think things through in a way that I'd actually be able to GET through writing this. I have told you before that I have a hard time with torture. I don't handle anyone being in pain very well. So to retell the story of Christ's crucifixion through the eyes of His Mother was going to be hard on me, but a journey I needed to take apparently. You see I love my Jesus in a way that is beyond loving your Savior. He is my life, my friend, my hope and love. I don't even like to think about Him being hurt much less me being the reason He was hurt. It is so hard for me to imagine the details of his death at all. I've avoided it with so much passion that I think I've missed out on something I need to feel to cling even more tightly to Him in the future.

A Mother's bond...There isn't a mother on the face of this earth that would ever want their child to die before they do. There is a bond that is created the moment you feel that baby kick inside you for the first time that no one on this planet with ever have with that baby but you. I've been a Mommy 3 times, and my children were never really "real" to me until that moment that I felt that little flutter inside. Its at that second in your life that you realize that everything about you isn't about you any longer. You change from that very instant, or at least I did. What I ate wasn't about me any longer, how I felt, whether I was happy or sad, or sleepy all revolved around that little baby inside me. I can imagine that was how it was for Mary when she was pregnant with Jesus as well. She no doubtingly felt the same way that we all do as a Momma. She probably had the same little quiet moments where she placed her hand on her tummy and talked to him. She more than likely sang to him while she worked around the house, and wished he would stop kicking her so hard when he got too big for the space he was in. I am sure that the day he was born she looked into those eyes and just was so in love with him. As a toddler, I bet he was a stinker at times, and a saint the others. She probably kissed his boo-boos and ran her fingers through his hair while he slept. As he got older I'm sure there were times she looked at him and saw God in the flesh, but I bet most of the time she just saw her child. Yes he was her Lord, but he was her baby. Her first baby.

My First Born...
I know from experience that you love your first baby differently than you love the others. Not that you don't love them as much or the same way, you just love them differently. I think its because with your first child you just are so lost as a parent that its a pure act of survival on both of your parts. You have to cling to each other to learn what to do. My oldest is a boy. He's my splitting image, my personality clone, and my baby. He was born severely premature, so I even have a more protective streak in me with him than most probably would. He was so tiny and so weak when he was born. Of  course now, he's almost taller than me and could  probably protect me better than I could him, but regardless he is still that tiny little baby that used to stop breathing in my arms because he would get so comfortable with me. The thing is my baby doesn't even realize how much he means to me. I can't even imagine my life without him in it. There isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't do for any one of my children. But honestly, I don't know how well I'd do if I had to watch them die and not be able to stop it.

She was tougher than I would have been...
When I think about watching any one of my children go through what Jesus did, I literally get sick to my stomach. It had to be hard enough to hear the way the towns people talked about the "radical" Jesus throughout her life, but I wonder what her heart did when she heard he was in prison. I know what I would have felt. There wouldn't have been an army in the world that would have stopped me from getting to him. Especially when I knew he was sinless and innocent. I don't know if I could have taken the moment when he was being led out to the courtyard to be beaten, and he looked into my eyes and told me to stop with just a look. I don't think I could have taken one strike of that scourge to my precious son's flesh. I think my heart would stop. I certainly don't think I would have the stomach to handle him being beaten to within an inch of his life. To hear his screams and cries... I couldn't. I would have given anything to take his place. I would have let them do that to me a million times before I could watch it once. I don't know how she could have stood there and listen to them calling her son a liar, and a joke without screaming at them. I know she had faith in God. I do to though, and I still know in my heart I wouldn't have been OK with the way he had to die. I wouldn't be OK with knowing it was my fault he was being hurt. That the baby I gave birth to was dying for me. I just couldn't. Can you imagine the agony she felt every time he had to push up on his nailed feet to be able to breathe? Or how angry she was when they spit on him? What about the moment that he finally died? Did she feel relief that it was over? I think in a way I would have. At least he wasn't suffering anymore. But then...where did he go when he died? Did she have any peace? At least if something happened to my children now, I'd know where they are going. We have no idea what happened to Him in those 3 days that he was in the grave. There isn't even any speculation on it. And that in itself terrifies me. I can't imagine that my Jesus, my Lord and Savior had to endure 3 days separated from God to save me. How did he survive that knowing what he did?

Her life was never the same...You know as happy as I'm sure she was when she saw Jesus alive again, I wonder if a part of her knew he wasn't her baby anymore after that. I am curious if she knew he was about to go Home and she wouldn't get to touch or hug him again until she died herself. It had to have been hard on her. I just wonder how she dealt with those feelings. So much of the bible is about what everyone went through before they met Jesus or while he was there with them. But so few stories go into what happened in their lives after he was gone. You really don't hear anything about Mary after that. Her life went on. She had to survive with out her Son. Her baby. Yes he was her Lord, Yes he was the King of Kings, but he was her child. It was her flesh and blood that made him. It was her body that nourished him. And it had to have broke her heart to watch him die. I wonder if she was ever the same? Did she suffer like so many mothers do when they lose their children? Did she just go on for the others? I want to know what was the story of Mary after her first born was taken from her. Because maybe if we knew how she lived her life after THE hope of the world was gone, then we would know how to live ours after our hope is ripped from us.

Why do we go on after loved ones pass?Maybe that's the whole point of all of this though. To reach out to the hope of the world again, even through death. That when he rose from the grave he brought with him a new hope. A fresh start that only he could provide. Yes I am thankful for that so much. I am grateful beyond measure. I wish he hadn't had to suffer because of me, but I am blessed that he was willing. But as a human with a mind that goes a million miles a minute I can't help but wonder how she got through it. What their bond was like after he was gone? Did she pray to her son? Did she miss him? I know I'd miss my baby. My goodness I miss him while he sleeps sometimes. I guess its just something I will have to ask her when I get to heaven. Although it sure would help me to be able to share it with others now.... Guess that is something I need to pray on isn't it?

Well my friends, enjoy your week. Remember that without his blood we are nothing. But without his resurrection we are lost. Take the time to feel your bible friends. Cherish it in a way that you haven't before. The words in it can change you forever. They will come alive for you if you allow it. I promise.
Always, Jessica

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Never let your hurts seperate you from God...

Quick Shout out to my Savior!!!
My Jesus is such an amazing, sweet, sweet God! I can cry to Him when I need to. I can laugh and sing with Him when no one else is awake. I can tell Him all my problems when no one will listen. I love the fact that He is my best friend. Praise you my Jesus! I love you with every beat of my heart and breath in my soul!

Sorry I've been missing for a while...
I have been on a journey the last few days that is kind of bittersweet. I am evolving as a person and growing as a believer. Although some of the things in my life have hurt, I am learning very quickly that God is the answer. That He has a plan and that only HE knows what that plan is. I asked Him last night why it had to be that way, and then had the audacity to ask if He realized how hard it is to live life not knowing if what you are doing is right or not? Lol I asked God that. Yes. I'm silly I know. But think about it.... God came to Earth as Jesus... but he was God and knew what His purpose was. We don't get that priviledge. To me that isn't very fair. Which I know is not the point of any of this but you know what...  its a legitimate question from a very curious girl. lol Honestly though, I think I just needed to get it out and have a good cry. I've had some emotional build up lately and hadn't had a chance to get it out.

Boy did I screw up!
You know I am human and I mess up. I get stuck in a rut and don't do all the things I should. I don't read my bible every day. I don't study like I should. I fall short all the time. But what I've learned is that no matter how I might mess up, God still wants me to be with Him. What is amazing is this last time I actually got stuck in a rut it was because of what someone said to me. I am a Mommy Lion sometimes and I reacted kind of badly about something that was being done to one of my children. In that anger I said some things that maybe weren't so Christian. The person I was talking to told me that they couldn't believe a "Christian" would say that about someone, and that they were disappointed in me because I read my bible all the time and should "know better." Honestly... It made me feel like I was the most worthless piece of junk in the world. Not because I felt bad about what I said, but because my appearance as a woman of God was flawed to that person. It hurt me badly because I love them and desperately want them to think I'm a good person. I didn't realize how much it had hurt me until a few days ago when I had to force myself to pick up my bible and study. It was like I felt like I didn't deserve to have that time with God because I had messed up. How crazy is that? But the enemy took my hurt and twisted it and turned it into something that made me feel bad inside. For one thing... God knows my heart, and no matter what I said, which wasn't that bad anyways, He still loves me and wants time with me. Secondly, I should never let anyone's manipulation of me affect my relationship with God. This person had messed up in their own sense and was taking their frustration with themself out on me. I didn't realize this until later. Does it make it right for them to judge me? No but I let them anyways. This is just another example of how quickly the enemy can seperate us. So sad, and I spent last night begging God to forgive me for letting that happen. Because while I was seperated from that time with God, I had let myself get sad, and down again. Something I swore I'd never let happen. Was it as bad as before? No way. Not even close, but it wasn't good regardless. I learned a few lessons about myself though, I am a strong woman of God. I grow in faith every day, and this seperation from God will NEVER happen to me again because of someone else. So please guard your heart my friends. Pray for protection from the attacks of the enemy and know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus. Sorry I've been distant... things will pick up around here again!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I get a little bit stronger...

I'm not sure how "Christian" this blog post is going to be, but I need to express this somewhere and this is my sounding board. Please understand that this is a process for me. A way to finalize what I'm thinking and make it very real to myself. But you never know who might relate to what I'm about to say.

For the last 10 years I have wished, hoped, and prayed that I could change someone. I thought that if I loved enough, tried hard enough, was perfect enough, that I could make a difference. Funny thing is that no matter what I did, what I do, or what I could ever do, nothing and no one can change a person but God. Even though I knew that, especially this last year because I changed so much, I have tried to do it myself. I almost completely exhausted every ounce of energy I have thinking I could do what God can only do. In the past Ive gotten so severely depressed because I thought I wasn't enough because no change ever stuck with this person. It killed me that I wasn't worth changing for. That I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. Thing is... I'll never be enough. I'll never be worth it. I'll never be able to be so profoundly different by myself that it will make something click inside and they will want to change because of anything I've done. Their issues are things only God can deal with, no matter what they might say. And well... I'm finally done. Listen very closely, I am not giving up on this person, I'm just finally, resolutely, absolutely giving God this person. Cause frankly I can't do it anymore. I am taking back control of myself. I'm not spinning my wheels anymore trying to make them "get it". Its not my job. And I'm a little bit stronger because of it.
This song is about leaving...but that's not what my post is about, but what this song says about every day making you stronger, every second you fight it getting easier...
that is what I love about this song.

This is so hard for me. I desperately love you. I have wanted nothing more than to be able to love all the darkness away. But no matter what I do, what I say, how I act I can't do the work for you that I had to do for myself. I guess I wish I could, maybe that is why I've tried so hard to do that for so long. You aren't a bad person. You just have junk that needs to be dealt with so that you can give every ounce of your life to God. You need to give up the bad habits, and old ways. Let the past go and just enjoy the moment. Do you know how hard I've tried to make things different for you? The nights I layed awake thinking of ways I could show my love for you. The moments I've taken out of my life to do nice things for you. The hours and hours I've spent worrying about where you are, who you are talking to, and what you are doing? You probably have no idea. I have literally almost drained myself of every ounce of energy I have trying to make you happy. Of trying so hard to be enough for you. And wishing I could do something, anything, to make you see that what you are doing isn't right. Yes I know you aren't a bad person. And I love so much about you. There are amazing things you do every day. can't live two ways with God. And you have to see that for yourself.

I can't keep living like this. I'm exhausted. I'm worn and weary. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not worth it. That no matter how good I am you will never change for me. That I'm just not enough. Because this isn't going to be about me anymore. Its about you.

I just...I'm tired of hurting. Tired of feeling alone in a house full of people. I'm so tired of being angry at you. I don't like the way it feels. I'm tired of getting frustrated because what I do doesn't matter when I know it does. I know I'm worth it. I know I deserve what God can do with you. I think that is what has hurt the most. Knowing that I deserve good things, happy things, and having to sit and wish it would happen and it doesn't. I'm not living like that anymore. God has blessed me, and I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm done trying to be your savior. I'm laying you at Jesus' feet. I'm done with feeling this way. Its not doing you or me any good. I don't know really what clicked, I guess it was you being away and me having to deal with everything alone, and I realized that I'm happier when I don't have to spend the time fretting over you. Its been nice to just talk to you and love on you when I get the chance, but not be so consumed by it that I can't function. I felt better today when I woke up and I like how it feels.

I know what you are thinking, and let me stop you right now. I love you. I want you, and that isn't changing. What is changing is that I'm not fighting your battle anymore. I will pray for you, love you, and give to you what I can, but not all I have. Its not fair to me to never get anything in return. Its not right that I give until I'm a tattered bit on nothing left and you don't give but just a little. I'm tired of giving excuses, letting everyone tell me that its just the way it is, cause it doesnt have to be. I'm not going to worry that I can't tell you how I feel, or what I need or want. I'm just not anymore. I love you enough to let God handle this now. Its not my fight anyways. I was just getting in the way. Please understand that this doesn't change my love for you. It just makes my faith in what God will do with you different. I love you so much it hurts. I just pray with prayers so big that you finally get it one day....

So many people say that your past is what makes you who you are. I think that is true to a point. Your past makes you who you are if you let it, but God makes you who He wants you to be if you let Him. A year ago I decided I wasn't going to be dictated by my past anymore. I haven't done great at everything, this being one of those things. I'm making a step in the right direction though. Every part of my life that I let go to God I get stronger. I grow deeper roots in faith. I bear brighter, more sweetly tasting fruit. God is growing me, and it is so hard. Especially when you've spent so much of your life being the fixer. But if I have any faith that God has his hand in this relationship, I have to give the control I have been holding onto up. Its God's turn. I know He can do anything. I have faith that it is going to be ok. Whatever His will is... that is what I want.

I'm letting God have you because I love you, not because I don't.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Gift of Empathy...

Spirit of Empathy.... I fought this one for a long time. I am super sensitive to things and people around me. I sense feelings and emotions almost instantaneously when someone enters the room. Been this way my whole life, and I don't like it much. Well... I used to not like it. Lately I've realized that it is a gift that God gave me to be used for His will, not something meant to hurt me. I will try to explain to you what it is like... For instance last night there was a show on TV, one of those FBI detective things where they find the missing person, anyways, the victim was being tortured. They showed enough to make my mind go nuts. I felt sick inside, my heart started aching, and I had a hard time breathing. I had to physically leave the room it got so bad. Yes I know that it was fake, but here's where my mind goes... By showing that on TV, the enemy is putting an idea out there for some sick, twisted, messed up person who is consumed by the devil to take and store for future reference. Where is the mind of the writer of that show? A Godly man or woman wouldn't want to write those things. Do you see where I am going with this?All those shows and movies that depict that kind of stuff is nothing but a tool of the enemy. You aren't of sound nature with God if you enjoy watching things like that. I get so overwhelmed at how PRESENT the devil is in our daily lives at times like this and yes I feel it down into my bones. Now I understand that movies are fake, and books aren't always real. I'm not an idiot, but they are still being used every day and so many people don't even realize it. I am not saying don't read fictional books or watch TV and movies, what I am telling you is this...Be careful what you put into your mind and Guard your heart tightly!

The benefit of being empathetic is that I can relate to and understand others and their pain, suffering, joy, and happiness way beyond what most people can. I can be an instrument of peace if I need to, or a sense of encouragement. Whatever God has in mind for me at the time with that particular person. What I don't have to do is let it get me down. I have had to learn how to block out things that get to me in a harmful way. The enemy has loved using this gift against me for a long time. Used it to get me depressed, upset, angry, and worried. He used it to get into my head and make me think things that just werent true. It is a blessing to feel pain if I need to feel it to grow. It is not a blessing to feel suffering that makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. This is a gift that I am still very much in the learning process with. I am not really sure why God needs me to be able to feel it in my heart and soul when someone suffers. Perhaps it is so I can relate to Jesus more closely. He had to have been empathic. I just can't imagine the God of the universe not being able to feel what we feel. After all that is why He came to earth to save us. He had to experience our life, and die for us anyways because He loved and cared about the destination of our souls.

One thing I can tell you though is that I see people very differently than most. Why?... because I look deep down inside. There are amazing things inside people if you are willing to move the junk out of the way.  Its kind of like those horder shows on TV. Inside that house is a huge mess full of all kinds of things. Sometimes when they get down underneath all the stuff there is a beautiful home left in its place, but at times they dig down and uncover a rotten, disease filled shell of a house that can't be recovered without completely tearing it down and starting over. That is what happens to our souls as well. Problem is when you encounter people that are so consumed with evil that they outwardly show it, then you have a harder task in front of you. That is when it suddenly becomes dangerous because their insides are rotten and destroyed. You have to really rebuild someone in that state.  It takes a lot to dig down and find the good in those people. Sometimes its there, and sometimes its not. The enemy can win people over. There are truly lost people in this world. They become so consumed by the devil that they act out his darkest most horrible plans of revenge on us. The things that hurt my heart the most like torture, abuse, slavery, starvation, pain, suffering... those things are not of God, and people like that will use it to their advantage. What frightens me most is that the end of the ages is going to be filled with people who enjoy doing those things to Christians. What do you think the anti-Christ is going to be like? Take the most evil, horrible, sickened person you can think of, multiply it by ten thousand, and wrap it up in a pretty little package. And I promise you, that doesn't even come close to what the enemy is like.   

I have the save the world mentality. I truly love everyone. I want to save them all. People think I'm crazy, but I can take just about anyone and turn them around if they are willing. Now those that arent... well... No one but God can do anything about them anyways. I just have to remember to stay firm in my convictions, cover myself in prayer, and go where God leads me. I know that no matter how hard it might get, or how desperate someone might seem, that God would never take me to a place He couldn't get me out of. That is where I just have to learn to trust His will. If it takes me to dangerous, not so fun places, filled with the darkness of the enemy, then so be it. As long as I have the Mighiest Lord and Savior of all by my side, I have no fear.

Until next time, guard your heart. Feed your soul with good things from the Word. Love others as God loves you,