Monday, July 18, 2011

Human Mind vs. Spiritual Heart...

You THINK you know how you'd react....

You know you really don't know how you would handle a situation until you are in the situation yourself. You can stand on the outside and say, "I would do this, I would say that," but until you are there, you don't really have a clue.

Something kinda personal...
I am dealing with some emotions and feelings about a few things in my life right now. I battle my human mind and my spiritual heart constantly about these issues. The thing is its something I can't even control. I can't change it. I can't make it stop. Well I could in a sense, but that isn't what God wants me to do. So I sit and wait with my mouth shut. And that isn't easy.

Its hard when you know something you don't want to know. Its even harder when you can't say anything about it, you can't get an appology, and you can't even ask why. Your response might very well match others, but what if God told you not to be that way? Yes I'd love to scream and throw a fit. I'd love to rant and ask why. That is my human mind.  I cried to God last night for some relief from the torment I'm in because of what I know. It sucks. Its not fun. It isn't something anyone would want to go through. Trust me. That is my spiritual heart.

What my Human Mind would say....

"How dare you do this to me after all I have done for you..."
What My Spiritual Heart would say...
You know all I want is for it to stop. Please. Just let me be enough. I don't want an explaination, or an answer. I just want you to say you are sorry and we move on. I want you to go through the valley so you can become what I know God has planned for you. I want to be able to find confidence in the person I see in you at times. I know that being patient is the way to be. I know God is working in His timing, but its hard on me. I have over looked so many things. I have gone through so much pain and heartache, but it would all be worth it if you would just be who you said you would be 2 years ago. That is all I have ever wanted. I won't lie, it hurts me that I am not worth staying on the right path for. It kills me that I had to watch all the things I wanted in you for so long slip away as I got stronger. Seems kind of ironic. The closer to God I got, the farther from God you became. I don't understand it. And I don't have to, I just want you back. There are moments I get glimpses of that side of you and I want to hold onto it so tightly I can't breathe. I don't want to move because I'm afraid it will go away. That isn't a way to live. But right now its what I cling to because when I see it, I know its still there. It gives me a ray of hope. God told me to wait on my miracle. That I am supposed to edure this with you. I am supposed to be the image of God for you in our daily lives. I just want you to realize that its hard on me. I struggle. I don't want to. I try to have enough faith for both of us, but sometimes I fail miserably. Just when I think I can't take anymore I get a whisper of hope. That is what keeps me holding on. I know God has great plans for you... and for us. I just wish you saw what I see. I love you so beyond what you know. I have prayed and talked to God for you so many times. I have stood in the gap and fought the devil off for you. I do it every day. I just wish... Wait... I believe that one day it will be worth it. I claim in in Jesus' name that you will be who I need you to be one day. God is working. I know it. I feel it. I believe it! As I sit here and cry for you right now I know in my heart that staying is what I'm supposed to do. I am in no way like Jesus, I am not a saint for what I go through, but I have to remind myself that he reaches out over and over, he doesn't give up no matter what we do, and he loves us through the worst things imaginable. If I am to be like Him I can't give in to the devil's torment now. I have to keep fighting. I am not better than you... I just want to help you. Thats all...

Judgement...
Some people can say that you get what you deserve. Maybe so. Maybe Karma is a b*tch like they say. Maybe justice comes in what you harvest. But I know that I don't deserve this. Maybe in the past I did, but not now. I think that is what tears me up the most. During the time of my life that I have been the most devoted, the strongest, the most loving, and I don't get it in return. Kinda doesn't make sense. But you know this time here on earth is so short and God works in mysterious ways. This life really doesn't matter in comparison to what eternity will bring. Its God's place to judge and lead is to what He knows we need.  The reality is that I'm not here to be in love and have the perfect marriage or the perfect life, I am here to help God reach people. Plain and simple. I am here to share God's love. To be God's love. To live out God's love. When I look at that side of things.... it all kind of gets put into perspective. Everything that I have gone through in my life, all the hurt and pain... its just revealing a new me. Its kind of like a burn victim... You have to get the burned flesh off... the sin and the human nature... it hurts and there is no other way to do it but in pain, but every time you scrape off the bad stuff, new beautiful skin emerges. Every time I learn to cling more tightly to God, every time I have to bury my burdens in Him, every time He has to be my strength, I get stronger and more beautiful in God's eyes. As much as I want to be everything to my family and friends, His eyes are all that matter.

I hope that if you are suffering you know that God is there to comfort you. All you have to do is ask and He will provide relief. I praise God for His mercy and Love. Without it I would be nothing.I wouldn't be who I am.

Always,
Jessica

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