Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I get a little bit stronger...

I'm not sure how "Christian" this blog post is going to be, but I need to express this somewhere and this is my sounding board. Please understand that this is a process for me. A way to finalize what I'm thinking and make it very real to myself. But you never know who might relate to what I'm about to say.

For the last 10 years I have wished, hoped, and prayed that I could change someone. I thought that if I loved enough, tried hard enough, was perfect enough, that I could make a difference. Funny thing is that no matter what I did, what I do, or what I could ever do, nothing and no one can change a person but God. Even though I knew that, especially this last year because I changed so much, I have tried to do it myself. I almost completely exhausted every ounce of energy I have thinking I could do what God can only do. In the past Ive gotten so severely depressed because I thought I wasn't enough because no change ever stuck with this person. It killed me that I wasn't worth changing for. That I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. Thing is... I'll never be enough. I'll never be worth it. I'll never be able to be so profoundly different by myself that it will make something click inside and they will want to change because of anything I've done. Their issues are things only God can deal with, no matter what they might say. And well... I'm finally done. Listen very closely, I am not giving up on this person, I'm just finally, resolutely, absolutely giving God this person. Cause frankly I can't do it anymore. I am taking back control of myself. I'm not spinning my wheels anymore trying to make them "get it". Its not my job. And I'm a little bit stronger because of it.
This song is about leaving...but that's not what my post is about, but what this song says about every day making you stronger, every second you fight it getting easier...
that is what I love about this song.

This is so hard for me. I desperately love you. I have wanted nothing more than to be able to love all the darkness away. But no matter what I do, what I say, how I act I can't do the work for you that I had to do for myself. I guess I wish I could, maybe that is why I've tried so hard to do that for so long. You aren't a bad person. You just have junk that needs to be dealt with so that you can give every ounce of your life to God. You need to give up the bad habits, and old ways. Let the past go and just enjoy the moment. Do you know how hard I've tried to make things different for you? The nights I layed awake thinking of ways I could show my love for you. The moments I've taken out of my life to do nice things for you. The hours and hours I've spent worrying about where you are, who you are talking to, and what you are doing? You probably have no idea. I have literally almost drained myself of every ounce of energy I have trying to make you happy. Of trying so hard to be enough for you. And wishing I could do something, anything, to make you see that what you are doing isn't right. Yes I know you aren't a bad person. And I love so much about you. There are amazing things you do every day. can't live two ways with God. And you have to see that for yourself.

I can't keep living like this. I'm exhausted. I'm worn and weary. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not worth it. That no matter how good I am you will never change for me. That I'm just not enough. Because this isn't going to be about me anymore. Its about you.

I just...I'm tired of hurting. Tired of feeling alone in a house full of people. I'm so tired of being angry at you. I don't like the way it feels. I'm tired of getting frustrated because what I do doesn't matter when I know it does. I know I'm worth it. I know I deserve what God can do with you. I think that is what has hurt the most. Knowing that I deserve good things, happy things, and having to sit and wish it would happen and it doesn't. I'm not living like that anymore. God has blessed me, and I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm done trying to be your savior. I'm laying you at Jesus' feet. I'm done with feeling this way. Its not doing you or me any good. I don't know really what clicked, I guess it was you being away and me having to deal with everything alone, and I realized that I'm happier when I don't have to spend the time fretting over you. Its been nice to just talk to you and love on you when I get the chance, but not be so consumed by it that I can't function. I felt better today when I woke up and I like how it feels.

I know what you are thinking, and let me stop you right now. I love you. I want you, and that isn't changing. What is changing is that I'm not fighting your battle anymore. I will pray for you, love you, and give to you what I can, but not all I have. Its not fair to me to never get anything in return. Its not right that I give until I'm a tattered bit on nothing left and you don't give but just a little. I'm tired of giving excuses, letting everyone tell me that its just the way it is, cause it doesnt have to be. I'm not going to worry that I can't tell you how I feel, or what I need or want. I'm just not anymore. I love you enough to let God handle this now. Its not my fight anyways. I was just getting in the way. Please understand that this doesn't change my love for you. It just makes my faith in what God will do with you different. I love you so much it hurts. I just pray with prayers so big that you finally get it one day....

So many people say that your past is what makes you who you are. I think that is true to a point. Your past makes you who you are if you let it, but God makes you who He wants you to be if you let Him. A year ago I decided I wasn't going to be dictated by my past anymore. I haven't done great at everything, this being one of those things. I'm making a step in the right direction though. Every part of my life that I let go to God I get stronger. I grow deeper roots in faith. I bear brighter, more sweetly tasting fruit. God is growing me, and it is so hard. Especially when you've spent so much of your life being the fixer. But if I have any faith that God has his hand in this relationship, I have to give the control I have been holding onto up. Its God's turn. I know He can do anything. I have faith that it is going to be ok. Whatever His will is... that is what I want.

I'm letting God have you because I love you, not because I don't.

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