Secrets...

“So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.  What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.  And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:26-28

You know I used to keep a lot of secrets. I hid so much from everyone I knew. How I wasn't eating. How I would throw up when I did. Where I went to cry. Where I hid the things I used to cut myself. I hid how I felt, how bad I was hurting, and how desperate I was for it all to stop. I put on a pretty little mask and acted like my life was perfect. That I was strong and tough and I could take everything that the enemy was throwing at me while inside I was dying. I hid how desperately I wanted my husband to just love me and look at me like I was beautiful. I hid how hard it was to raise children while I was having anxiety attacks. I hid that I wasn't sleeping and how I just didn't really care anymore. I hid all of these things from anyone that was close to me. Everyone that is, but God.

I thought that God didn't care about my secrets. That really what I was going through wasn't important enough for Him to deal with. So I didn't tell Him I needed His help. I figured that I could handle it myself. But I was very wrong. Trust me when you are holding a million secrets inside, your life is harder than you think. Not only are you burdened with the secrets, but you have do deal with what you are hiding as well. And that is exactly where the enemy wants you. I promise you that if he could keep you from freeing yourself of the things you hide, he would because that's how he keeps you with him. I will tell you this though, the Jesus Christ that I serve will take off the gloves once in a while and fight that snake off of us without our asking. There are times when He says enough is enough and He does things to interfere. Now I am not saying God alters free will. He just changes circumstances. You'd be amazed at how one choice, or one left turn instead of a right will change your life. When you are His beloved He will come to your rescue. He will take you and point you in the right direction, even if you don't really think that is the way to go. You might not realize what is happening. You might think that you are hiding things better than you are, but He will uncover things because it is what is good for you.

Remember David? God's beloved David. I can appreciate him so much. This man was nothing more than the perfect definition of polar opposites. He went from murder to foolish abandonment to God. He hid things. He had secrets, but in time God brought those to light. Yes it hurt David. That period in his life was not fun I promise you, but the man that walked out of the smoke and battlefield, was the image that Christ had in mind for him. That is what happens to us in adversity. I know that you might think that life is hard and you just don't want to fight anymore. I have those days too. But I promise you, there are reasons we go through what we do. Reasons we might not like. Reasons we might not understand, but God's Reasons none the less.

I stopped having secrets in my life about a year and a half ago. Now I can't hide anything. Its amazing how God can change you. I really and truly cannot lie. I do not need to. My life is what it is. I get sad. I get anxious and fearful. I have days I don't want to get up out of bed. But then I have days that are beautiful. Days that I don't want to go to sleep because they are so glorious. I have moments I wish I could freeze forever. A lot of the things I had in my life before, but I was too shrouded in darkness to see. The thing that changed in me was my love for my Lord. I trust Him now in ways that I never knew was possible. My life is His. My heart is His. When I get down, I run to HIM. When I'm sad... He is my comfort. When I'm happy He is the one I thank. It is all about how you see things. The way you look at your life can dramatically change the way you live it. I promise you that I am more free today than I ever was. Yes I had to go through some pretty stinky times to get here, but now I wouldn't trade it for anything.

If I could teach you one thing it would be this.... Don't hold onto things that are of this world. This life is so short and we don't belong here. This isn't our home. We aren't meant for this life. We were designed by a loving and amazing God that wanted so much more for us than this. But because of our human nature we have to go through the way things are here to get back to where we belong. The best part about it all though is that you don't have to do it alone. God puts people in your life to help you. All those years I held things inside I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on with me. Now... I talk to a lot of people, and that helps me more than you know. You have to be accountable for yourself when you tell others how you are. You have to deal with the sad if you tell someone you are upset. You have to enjoy the happiness when you share it with another. Same with shame, anger, and anxiousness, if its in the open there are people to share it with you. Whether that helps the burden or makes it different, is all up to who you share it with, but you have a God that loves you so very much and wants you to take advantage of the things He gives you. Even if it is the hardest lessons of your life. I hope that you are growing in Christ as much as I have been. And if you aren't, if you feel stuck or hopeless, maybe God led you here to this page so that you would find comfort and a friendly face. I will help you if I can. I will lead you to a God that can heal all things, and I will pray for you.

If it has to be a secret, it can't be a good thing. Let God free you.

Always loving,

Jessica