I have been fighting something for a while... I have tried to kinda sorta follow through with it, but so far it is only kinda sorta working. Why have I done it this way? Because I'm scared of failing. Terrified of looking God in the eyes one day, and having to say, "I couldn't do what you wanted and I'm sorry." Problem is I refuse to live that way anymore. I am strong. I am passionate, and I am beautifully His. That's all the proof I need to succeed. But then there is Satan... with his cunning ways, and manipulative words telling me I won't be able to do it. I'll get laughed at, or worse.... I will fail. I can't accept that for myself. I can't accept that for God.
Can no longer deny it...
It wasn't until last night when I was studying my bible that I realized God was trying to tell me something. Something so simple but yet so amazingly profound. "Its time." For weeks I have been following a certain bible study and reading through a book bit by bit. But this last week every time I study one or the other, it aligns with the other. Verses are the same, teachings are the same, every part of it has been like two paths merging into one, and honestly I couldn't be looking at a bigger sign of God being at work in my life. I mean it is crazy, I will go a few days without reading the book and maybe miss a day studying this certain study, and then when I do... bam it is like I was meant to not study at those times so they would align. God's timing it so perfect and so beautiful! The part that scares me is that now, because He is showing me these things, I know that it is time for me to let go of everything I am afraid of and follow His lead. Which to be honest, terrifies me. You ask for signs and God gives them to you, as if what He has already done in your life wasn't enough, but then you finally get one that just cuts you deeper than others and you start shaking in your boots. Its like the voice of thunder from Heaven, and you finally stop and say, "ok God I get it!"
"Now God has revealed [these things] to us by the Spirit, for the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man that is in him? In the same way, no one knows the thoughts of God except for the Spirit of God. Now we have not recieived the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who [comes] from God so that we may understand what has been freely given to us by God. We also speak these things, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual things to spiritual people."
1 Corinthians 2:9-13
The next step is a tough one....
THAT is the lesson I was taught last night. I have been destined to be a teacher of the Spirit since the day I was born. I've been told to write what the Spirit places on my heart. I've been told to speak what the Spirit leads me to say. I've been told to love with a merciful grace that ONLY the Spirit of the Lord can provide, and through that love great things will come to pass. That through the Spirit of the Most High God a nation will come to season and will bear fruit of righteousness, and I am supposed to do those things. YIKES!!! :)
"You are lead to be a minister of the Lord. You will lead great nations to Me. Teach what My Spirit leads you dear one. You are the only one made for this task. I believe in you. I need you to do this for ME."
How do you tell God "No" when He says that to you? You can't. If you love Him at all you just can't. Pray for me my friends. I am about to begin a journey that I don't even know where it will lead. This common girl is about to do great things for her King and as much as I'd like to say I'm not scared... I am.
"You are no different than My David, or My Esther. You are no less powerful than the great Moses, for My love you are becoming EXACTLY what I created you for.. You are going to do great things for Me. I am proud of you My Daughter. Just follow My lead child, do not sway from the path. You are strong and sturdy. Believe in the things I teach you, for no one else can show you what I can. Listen carefully for My voice, I am here with you always."
I don't know what else to say right now, other than Its just Time. Every minute thing I've done in my life, from Speaking Competitions, to writing, to art and working in a school, is all coming together. It is so amazing! I just pray with everything that I am that I do God proud. That I follow His instructions to the letter, and bring Him the Glory!
So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed Him, "If you continue in My word, you really are My disciples. You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32
Until next time, don't hesistate to follow the gentle... or not so gentle nudgings of the Spirit. You are in my heart!
Jessica
This was a beautiful post that I can totally relate to. I've felt a calling on my life to write a book on the power of prayer. I've been writing for a year now and as I'm trying to put it all together I find ways to procrastinate, doubt, or fear that I'm not qualified. This post was a blessing of encouragement! Thank you and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who gets frozen in fear sometimes. Continue to push forward, you definitely have a gift!
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