Depression is a debilitating condition that controls so many peoples' lives. Trust me I know. It controlled mine for many years. I tried everything... counseling, pills, therapy, exercise, faith; everything that everyone else said I should do to get better. None of them ever worked for very long. The counseling helped me figure out that I was sad. Awesome! The medication made me worse. Even Better! Therapy drove me crazy. Sweet! And by that time faith was pretty much pointless. Woohoo! I listened to doctors tell me I was pretty jacked up in the head because of a genetic disorder. I listened to therapists tell me to fix my thoughts, but never showed me how. I took pill after pill after pill to get better. All those did was make me worse and addicted to some big time narcotics. Which I think out of all the things I tried, that is the one thing that scares me the most. I was on some serious medications. LOTS of them. I trusted the doctors because they knew these drugs. Yeah well they didn't know these drugs and the affect they would have on MY brain. It is the one thing that still upsets me to this day. You have this level of trust for your doctor and when they put you in danger because they have a deal with the pharmaceutical company, its a problem. I hate that they put those depression medication ads on TV. They make me want to cringe. So many people don't realize that those medications alter the chemicals in your brain... YOUR BRAIN! The organ in your body that controls your functions, your breathing, and your thoughts. Its not a good thing. Now I know that there are people out there that cannot function without them. I know a woman that is that way, but for the most part, you don't need them. You can change the way you think and live, and that works much better.
Afraid...
You know I used to think that I had depression because I was sad, but as I worked through my thoughts and feelings I realized that I was depressed because I was afraid. Which most people would think that wouldn't work at all, because depression is associated with sadness, mood swings, and loss of interest, and I had all of those symptoms. So how was I depressed because I was afraid which causes a racing heart, anxiety, and nervousness, all symptoms I didn't.... wait did I have those too? Yes I did. Go figure. Well after a lot of work on myself, I later figured out that I was sad because I was terrified that my life was going to fall apart. I didn't want my life to be out of control, or not as "perfect" as it should be, and because of that fear I became anxious, sad, and really a pretty miserable person. I realized that my fairy tale life was never going to happen, and it destroyed me. I couldn't see what I had right in front of me because of all the glitter getting in my eyes. It was horrible. To this day I still fight my fears of being alone, being rejected, being imperfect. I have to say though, I am doing 100 percent better though because of one thing... I feel the fear, and I KNOW it isn't going to kill me and I let GOD take it away from me because I can't do it alone. That is the hardest thing to learn, but once you do, you learn very quickly how to face it and how to get past it.
Its NOT about me...
There are days that I would get so afraid that my husband was mad at me because he wouldn't answer my texts. So irrational and stupid I know, but when your brain works in overdrive most of the time, it can get ugly fast. Before I learned to work through my fears, I would literally worry so much I'd end up in a pile on the floor sobbing. The anxiety and fear would take me over in a second and wrack me to the core. It would last for days. My brain would go from "he isn't answering, to he's going to leave me" in two seconds. All because I was afraid he wouldn't love me anymore. My husband is sweet and gentle, but he isn't the most overly affectionate person. He just wasn't raised that way. He is one of those extremely independent and closed off personalities. They show their love in such different ways than us passionate lovers do and that was a long hard lesson to learn. I spent so many days critiquing my love for him with painstaking effort. I was driving myself crazy, and I had no idea I was doing it. I look at those words right now and I am just so amazed I used to let myself get that way. How in the world do you get to the point where someone else's reactions to you dictates your entire sense of being? Let me tell you, its easier than you think, and it happens more and more often these days to so many women and that's the truly scary thing. When I started changing my life my sponsor told me something that has become pretty much a mantra in my day to day life. "It's not about me." For the longest time I didn't get it. I thought everything was about me. That's how I was raised. Everything I did was judged, praised, and criticized so why wasn't it that way with my adult life? Everything I did or said was a reflection on how I felt about those in my life, right? And their reactions to me showed how they felt about me. But you know what... reality says it isn't that way! I had to realize that you know, maybe it isn't about me. Maybe he's busy. Maybe his battery died. Maybe the message didn't go through. I had to learn that the whole little world I live in doesn't revolve around me. What!?!? It doesn't???? Seriously... I had to learn that it doesn't, and I had to get over myself.
Facing my fears...
It took me a lot of work to learn a process to get through my fears. I had to learn who to reach out to, what to look at, and how to find a solution. I still work through things on a daily basis for the most part. Like the other day, I had to work though my idea that if I showed enough love, people will love me back. HA HA! Yeah... not a good idea because expectations are a mine field of destruction waiting to happen. I was just setting myself up for failure every time I did that to myself and I had to stop. So I looked at my fear of being rejected, I analyzed it, and I set some boundaries, not walls, boundaries. Walls are bad, bad things. I will talk about that another time. My boundary looked like this, I am afraid that if I don't love enough, they will leave me. So, I will show the love I have in my heart. If it is taken and received, then that is great, but if it isn't, I will NOT let their reaction make me sad or afraid. Their reaction is about them, not me or my ability to love. Just because they don't accept my affection doesn't mean they are going to leave me alone. I will be OK. I will make it through the pain, and I will learn a lesson from it. Then I gave it to God and let it go. Once I did that, it was strange, but I felt better. I was stronger, and I recognized that I am powerful over my fears, but powerless over other people and that is perfectly ok. All it takes is a little work and once again realizing that its not about you. What they do with your love and affection is THEIR THING. You can't control anyone. You cannot make them love you, and you sure can't make them appreciate what you do. All those expectations do is make you feel bad inside, and its just not worth it. Trust me... its not. God sees what you do, and how you live. I know it sounds pretty corney, but I believe my rewards are not here. They are all being saved up in Heaven by a God that loves me more than I could ever love anyone else. That is what gets me through the times when I feel like no one gets me, no one loves me enough, and no one appreciates what I do. Because God does. God always will, and God is enough.
You aren't alone...
Being afraid is something that no one wants to go through. But we all do. Everyone, no matter how great they are, is afraid of something. Its just how they handle it that is different. So next time you feel yourself getting down... ask yourself what it is that you are afraid of and then set yourself a boundary. Then dry your tears, put on some music, and let it go! You never know... it might help you heal more than you think.
Until next time.... Laugh, Love, and be yourself. God is always there, love never fails, and IT WILL BE OK!
Jessica
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