You ever get to a point in your life when you know you have to do something or make a change, and you really don't want to because you know its going to be hard? I'm going through that right in this moment. Not yesterday, or earlier today, right this moment. Something has been building in me for a while, and I can't really say that I've ignored it, but I haven't really accepted the challenge God has put before me. That is until now. I am probably more terrified in this moment than I've ever been in my life. I'm clinging so tightly to something that I don't want to let go of because I'm afraid of what might happen if I do. I know that God has told me over and over again that is going to be OK. That I haven't gotten through all the junk the last year for nothing. He's even told me that I'm meant to be where I am, but I'm still scared. You see I've been co-dependent for so long (my whole life) that I don't really know how to survive any other way. My entire sense of purpose and being has always been based on someone else's opinion of me. The way they react to me, how I react to them, and the love they show me has been a reflection on who I am as a person. And I'm at the point where God is saying I have to stop that. I have to depend on Him instead.
(yes I'm typing it out as its happening... so forgive the errors...kinda hard to see when you are sobbing)
OK I get it God. He's not answering again. I get it OK! This is how You feel when I don't answer you. I understand it! Just because I don't make time doesn't mean I don't love you. Yes, I know that! Please, just stop making it hurt so much!!!
(Deep Breath) I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one fighting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of not being able to breathe. I'm tired of feeling alone in a house full of people. I'm just tired. Don't you remember what that was like? Or is that what its like for You in Heaven when I don't answer Your calls to spend time with me?....More silence....Listen Jesus... I'm so sorry if that is how I make you feel. I don't mean to. I really don't. Its just that life is so...busy. Exactly what he says.... Oh My GOD... I am so sorry. Please forgive me.
(Another Deep Breath) I want to depend on You God... I really do. Its just so hard not to worry after all I have been through. What if I start depending on You instead of him and he loses interest? What if we drift apart? What if I put You first and my kids need me more? How do I know its going to be OK when it doesn't feel like it will? I've read so many things that say that if I depend on You that things in my life will actually be closer to me, but how do I just KNOW that in my heart when my head is in panic mode? Why did you have to make me like this Lord? Why is my head so....confused? Sometimes I just wish I didn't care so much. That I didn't love like this. I wish I didn't understand what You are saying so I could go along my happy way like all these other people who fake their way through life. It just .... is so lonely. I don't want to feel like this.
(Panicking) I just want You to be here. I'm tired of talking to the air and not getting an answer. I'm right here and I can't feel You... and its awful!!! Do you understand that at all Lord? I'd give my life for just a hug from You right now. Just one hug. Please...
OK...You know what... You win. I surrender. Whatever you want. I just want to do what you want. I just want your will. No matter what... No matter what. Just help me please.
So after about 30 minutes I finally got it together enough to calm down and listen. This is going to be better. Better for me, better for him, better for them. I just have to trust that it will. I don't want to fight anymore. Cause doing it my way isn't working. I just keep coming back to this very place over and over again. So its time to try something new. I'm going to trust Him that He knows what's best for me. I know He does, its just my dumb head thinks I know better. Silly me....
"In the same way, therefore, every one of you who does not say good-bye to all his possessions cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:33
\What the bible doesn't tell you... is possessions isn't only an earthly thing.
Its your heart, mind, feelings, and even your fears.
God is so good. He is my everything. I just will trust.
I'm just going to need a lot of love and strength from you my friends in Him.
I'm just going to need a lot of love and strength from you my friends in Him.
Well until next time....Enjoy the song... Love God, Trust God, and know that if I can get through it, you can too.
Jessica
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