No where in this blog have I ever said that I lived the perfect life. I haven't ever tried to make myself out to be bigger or better than anyone else, I've never even said that I don't have to grow myself every day, but I've also never really gone into detail about how messed up I was. Let me just start by saying that there are a lot of writers and bloggers out there that will share every bit of their intimate relationships with you. If you are looking for that from me you wont find it here. I will not ever write about the difficult times in my life with great detail because that is between me and God, and I will NEVER say or write about anything that might make someone I love fall away from God because of it. The purpose of this blog is to help you grow, not to make those I love feel badly. I will say this to you though.... I've made mistakes. I did things I used to regret. I wasn't an awful person, but I wasn't good either. I don't think you will relate to me more if I go into vast detail about my private life. But you will relate to me if I say this, "I know what its like to hate yourself."
I'm just not that pretty any more...
You ever just look at yourself in the mirror and think, "I am so not what I used to be?" I do that a lot. I actually do it just about every day. Sometimes for good reasons, like I'm actually a better person than I used to be, or I get dressed up and think, "Wow I look good today!", and then there are the times when I look at myself and say, "I'm not worth much at all." I see all the imperfections that age and motherhood brings out in a woman. I'm not as skinny, a whole lot less "kept", and I'm getting a few wrinkles that just totally bum me out. But then I stop and realize these last two years have been hard on me. I have an excuse to not look as "perfect" as I did before. Everything has kinda twisted and turned me into a mashed up mess, only to bring me out on the other side as something very new and very different and in my opinion more beautiful. I've battled severe depression, rebuilt relationships, and had a baby. I'm raising two preteen children, trying to follow God's will for my life, starting a business, and praying for my family full of young Christians. I'm the spiritual head of this family and that isn't easy as a woman, but I do it because its necessary. Its vital. It's the most important thing on this earth I have to do. So I guess at times I need to give myself a little slack about my outward appearance. Because after all, Jesus thinks I'm more beautiful today than He did yesterday... Eh... I guess I believe that ha ha... or maybe by the end of this I will.
Why tell you this...
I don't really know why God is wanting me to write this right now, maybe just so that you know I'm not all peaches and roses all the time. So many times you hear about Christian writers and they really only tell you how great their life is going. You get all the "praise Jesus" and "Hallelujahs", but none of the "God I'm desperate," and "Jesus I messed up agains."
Yes, granted, I have a very different outlook on life than I did. I am way better than I used to be, but I have moments when I falter. Moments when I doubt why I'm even here. Moments I don't really want to be here on this Earth anymore. Moments when I just feel.... bad. Not that I don't love my life. I do. VERY VERY much. I've had to work hard to get to where I am now, and I sure don't want to give that up, but this life here is hard. Its trying. Its lonely and difficult to take. I know I'm here to fulfill a purpose, but there are times I just want Jesus to come take me home. And I know that sounds bad, but there isn't a Christian alive that wouldn't say the same at some point. If they say differently then they are just... lying. Paul didn't want to leave the Earth because he was so concerned with the church's state, but I guarantee there were moments he just wanted to be with God. I promise there were times, even given the fact that He KNEW His purpose, that Jesus thought about just saying, "I'm done. This isn't easy. This Earth is evil and horrible, and I just want to go Home." I'm not saying that because its a guess... I'm saying that because He says He understands when I feel that way. My relationship with Jesus that might seem pretty strange to most, but I will tell you this lately stuff just makes more sense when I talk to Him. But not pray with all the thees and thous. Just talk to Him. That's how I've learned to pray lately. He's my friend, my partner, my heart and soul. Why wouldn't I talk to Him like that? And when I do, He answers. Not verbally with clouds and thunder, but you know when you just... "know" something. When you get thoughts in your head that aren't yours when you are praying? That's how our relationship works. Is it that way for everyone, probably not. But its that way for us. And if that isn't enough to convince you that He feels that way, then Hebrews 2:17-18 and 4:15 says that Jesus went through every temptation we go through, every thought we have, every feeling we feel. So how can you say that he didn't at some point want to just go home?
I get overwhelmed too...
I get so frustrated sometimes. I just want to scream. I want to curl up in the corner and cry. Marriage is hard these days. "You have to fight for your marriage every day," a fellow blogger said, and I believe that to be true. I love my husband beyond loving him, but the man is busy. He gets preoccupied with other stuff besides me, like football and that blankety-blank phone he's so attached to. I know you girls out there can relate so I won't go into more detail than that. LOL And yes... I get upset. I cry because he doesn't answer me, or doesn't compliment me when I do something I think is great. There are days when I feel lonely and not very wanted. But what can I say, girls are dumb sometimes... sorry but we are ladies. We just get so caught up in all the... Feelings... that we forget to see the actual person that is there. My husband adores me. He loves me so very much. And even though he's not a romance novel character, he's perfect in my eyes, and that is why I want to spend so much time with him and get upset when I don't. Of course getting HIM to understand that is like trying to get him to understand why I have to have a certain coffee creamer every morning. Its not gonna happen. LOL Then...Try doing laundry for 5 people and see if it ever ends. Cook and clean for a bunch of picky eaters who don't know how to clean up after themselves, and get up with a baby several times a night and don't nap during the day when he's asleep because you have a million things to do. Such is the life of a stay at home Mommy of 3. Would I change it? No. Do I wish it was easier? Yep. But the thing is, I am learning more about God's love than I ever learned in all the time I worked in the business world. Every day I learn something new. Maybe its because I have more time to stop and listen. Could be that its just where I am in life at this time. Then again it just might be because I'm ready to hear what He has to say. I don't know really, but life is just more fulfilling now than it used to be. I work a lot harder. I am very tired most of the time, but its worth it.
My prayer is that I hope you will take what I have to say and listen to it because I don't tell you how perfect I am all the time. I remember when I was depressed and someone would tell me, "Just be happy." Ha ha, yeah that works. Or "why can't you just snap out of it?" Well...hmmm... I guess I wasn't ready. Took me a little while but that's what I figured out. I just wasn't ready. It wasn't time. But now my season is coming, and its full of amazing things and I am so grateful for each of them. The thing is though.... do you learn more in good times.... or in tough times? Exactly when you are clinging onto God for dear life. So I can expect to have trials. I can pretty much guarantee that I will get frustrated. I will feel down, and I will just want to go Home. That is the beauty of this journey though. Once you learn to accept hard times as a chance to grow closer to the Lord, those times become the biggest blessings in your life. For example, I know that there are times I'd rather spend time with my husband than studying my bible, but he is busy and has things to do. I get sad because I miss him and wish other things weren't so important. But those are the times I have to cling to Jesus because I don't want to take it personally. Him being busy isn't about me. Its just life, most of the time. Not always, and if you have been married for any length of time you understand what I mean. ;) But what its done to me is I've learned to lean on God instead of my husband so much. Which is a very good thing. You never know when God will call those that you love home, and you can't base your entire faith around one person. You can love them with your whole heart, but if you are so codependent upon them that you can't function without them, you are going to be in trouble if life takes a nasty turn. So you take the lessons from the yuckiness in your life, and you become stronger in faith. I promise, as hard as it is, you appreciate the moments you do get to enjoy your spouse or whatever it is that you are waiting on, so much more. If I've learned anything over the last few months it is, everything is better when its seen through Jesus' eyes.
So where does this take me now....
I am on a journey of trusting God. This whole blogging experience is about me having the faith to follow what I believe He is telling me to do. I have to trust that what I say is what He wants me to say. That the messages I send out through this are of love and strength that is only found in the Lord. I also want you to know that I just want others to find what I have. I want to help others so badly to be able to get through those hard times with some grace and faith. Its the only way I know how to live now. And I am so thankful for that....I just pray that you find it too. Through this blog, through my tweets, or just on your own somehow. But try to find it. It is truly the only way to live a life on this Earth that matters.
Until next time... take a deep breath... it will all be over in a little while....and nothing is as bad as it seems in the first 30 minutes.... that I promise.
Love and prayers,
Jessica
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