My love and ability to love has grown so much over the last year and continues to grow each day. I would love to say that it is because of my own hard work or ability to love beyond my means, but that is totally 100% a lie. I am able to be the person I am, and love the way I do, because I have let the love of God guide me. I have had to give up my old ways of thinking, and shed that skin of self-righteousness that I so proudly wore for so long. Actually I had it ripped from me piece by painful piece but, regardless it is no longer there, and what was underneath was a butterfly more beautiful than I ever imagined. That is what I call my moments of growth... butterfly moments. You know those times when a butterfly actually flits and floats until it gently lands on your shoulder and you hold your breath afraid to move because it is so amazing to watch? That is what each moment of understanding has become to me. It is like I don't want to move. I don't want to breathe or think another thought than what I feel at that moment. I don't want Jesus to move away or leave my thoughts. I just want to be still and watch. I love those moments more than anything these days. I cherish it beyond anything this earth can give me. Yesterday I had one of those moments after reading a simple verse. "When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, 'Don't cry'." Luke 7:13. Can you imagine having Him looking into your eyes and saying that to you in your moment of greatest desperation? Just takes my breath away to think about that because I've had it happen to me.
I wanted to die. I was alone and scared. I didn't want to feel anymore pain or loneliness. I just wanted it to stop. As I sat there with bottles of pills in front of me I just went numb. I started taking handful after handful until something made me stop. I'm not sure if it was that I couldn't swallow because I was sobbing, or that I suddenly knew God was there, but something made me stop. I remember closing my eyes and taking a deep breath and then I heard it and saw it. There were these eyes in my mind all of the sudden. They were eyes I had never seen before. They were the color of the most beautiful ocean combined with the brightest blue sky on the perfect Spring day. They were gentle. They were kind, and they had tears in them welling up. I remember not being able to breathe for a minute, and then I heard a sentence that I will never forget as long as I live. "Please stop." It wasn't a command. It wasn't an order from a high and powerful being. It was a plead from someone desperate. I will never ever forget the way it sounded. To this day it brings tears to my eyes to know I hurt Him so much by even thinking about that. Makes me want to fall at His feet on my face and beg forgiveness. But I know that isn't what He wants. He wants me to love with that kind of desperate love. To look at those I come in contact with and just simply say, "Please stop. There is a better way. Let me show you."
My Jesus... My love...
I am madly deeply and passionately in love with Jesus. He is my everything. I wake up lately just eager to spend time with Him. I go to bed now, and I'm not sad if I'm alone because that just means I get to curl up with Him and pray myself to sleep. I love my moments with Him when I can hear His laughter in my mind. When I know He is sitting next to me breathing me in like I'm the most amazing flower in Heaven. I love the fact that when I do something great for His Kingdom, no matter how small, He is smiling at me. He is so perfectly wonderful to me, that I could go on for hours about Him. He is my hero. My Knight in shining armor. He saved my life. He died for me. No one here on Earth has done that. I'm not sure, short of my Daddy, if there is anyone who would really truly do that for me. That in itself is enough to love Him more. But then when I think about how amazingly wonderful He is aside from that I still want to love Him. I mean He was a King that gave up everything for me. He was a God that came to Earth to learn what it was like to be me so He could understand. He is a spirit that chooses to dwell within me every moment of my life. I am so very lucky to have Him, and I thank Him every single day.
Heavenly Love...
When I sit and think about what it is going to be like the first time I look into His eyes and touch His face I just want to cry. I cannot wait. I want to sing to Him and praise Him. I want to see His smile and hear His laughter. I want to know all the wonderful things He wants to share with me. I literally live for the moment I close my eyes here on Earth and open them in Heaven. I want to prove to Him that I will not ever take for granted the sacrifice He made for me. I owe Him such a huge debt. I want to live my life in a way that will make Him glad that He calls me His. I just want Him to be happy with me. I will treasure the moment He takes me into His loving arms and says, "You did great baby. I'm so proud of you." Don't you just LOVE the thought of that!
No expectations in love....
It is truly amazing how deeply you can feel for someone when you don't expect anything in return. It is at the moments when you do expect things that you are gravely disappointed. You chain yourself to the reality of this world when you love like that. Do not limit yourself by putting earthly boundaries on your Heavenly tasks. Love without expectation is the way to love through the Holy Spirit, and that is an experience all its own. I promise you that if you spend one week... just one week, loving one person the way that Jesus loves you, that you will change. Give of yourself and just be happy you can give. Love all of them, the good the bad the ugly, especially love the ugly. Trust me.... we are so beyond ugly inside without Christ in our hearts. Don't give up on someone just because they don't know any better. All of the pain in my life was caused by people who just didn't know. They did what they thought was best for them at the time. Was it always a great choice? Absolutely not! But it was all they knew, and I cannot blame them for that. Just like Jesus looks at sinners without the information about becoming Christians, He just says,"I love you even though you don't know." Next time someone hurts you... for whatever reason it is, try loving them in spite of it. I'm not saying don't feel the hurt. What I'm saying is take what they did, and accept it for what it is. A reflection of what they don't know how to deal with. Then find 3 things you love about them instead. It takes a little practice, but I promise it is so worth it. You will change, and the dynamic of that relationship will take a dramatic turn.
How I love...
Until next time, I love you. I am here if you need me. Love will NEVER FAIL YOU!
Jessica
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